This is me
I have been battling the beast for a long time. I was teased and
bullied during my time in elementary school and still to this day it
impacts my self esteem. I was dyslexic and didn’t learn to read until
6th grade. At the time teachers believed in a kinda Darwinism of the
play ground and didn’t try to stop it. My teen years were your typical
stack of things that I am embarrassed by now that the beast likes
remind me of on my lower days.
Jump to three years ago when I found BTB I had been living in
Connecticut with my DH. He was working on a master’s in philosophy. I
had a hard time making friends - did not make one friend the whole
time. I did find a job that but it didn’t pay and I hated it. I got
pregnant during this time but lost the baby and right after that I
lost my mind and spent a week in the hospital for emotional issues. It
was very freighting for me. I didn’t like the other people yelling and
by that time I was no longer in to the “hey you ask for a sleeping
pill and give it to me” game. I just wanted to be someplace quiet and
cry. I didn’t get that but I was safe and lived.
I was also in a kind of day program for a month, I have to be honest I
didn’t get much out of it other than overcoming my fear of medication.
I had to try a few before setting in with Lexapro, but it did make a
difference for me.
Today I live with my DH in Texas but I long to return to Southern New
Jersey were I grew up. I am working on my counseling license in grad
school. My DH has also been DXed with the beast and like me has good
times and very bad times, but we do okay and we have been trying for 2
years now to have a baby. This past summer I had OHSS and was
hospitalized with medical issue for a week. When I was in ICU I was
told I was pregnant but it was ectopic. I must say that I am handling
it a little better this time. I cry a lot but my mind is still with me
and I owe that to all the wonderful support I get here at BTB.
Have I beaten the beast? I don’t know. But I do know that the
anonymous support has helped more than words can describe. The ability
to ask someone if ‘I do XYor Z does that make me bad?’ or if I feel
‘this or that am I still a good person?’ and have it answered had been
the help I needed. I have to add here that it’s not only the getting
that is helpful but there is true healing in giving someone a hug or
an “I have been there’. I don’t know if I will ever go that low again
but I do know a good day when I see one does not mean I can no longer
be reduced to tears over things that shouldn’t. But my cynical and
sarcastic humor does come out from time to time and I can have a good
day with laughing and smiles without the anxiety that tomorrow it WILL
be a low day. I live with the beast I will always live with the beast
but every so often I am able to kick him in the balls!!! |
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