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This will take some space as I have lived
with this Beast for a long time.
At times I have merely survived it however
many times I have thrived in spite of it. I would say I was 17 when I first
realized I was so sad I could not help myself. My best friend had just
found out she was pregnant. Our plans to go to college together were
shattered. The next day I had my mom pick me up from school because I
was ill. I remember her asking me what was wrong. Was I pregnant also? No
just really sad.
I didn’t have an easy life. At age 6 my
parents moved us all to Germany where my father would continue to build his
career. My mother had never really been a mom to us. I have no memories of
her ever holding me, reading to me even singing a song with me. My early
child hood memories are 1. Of my sister cutting my bangs while I stood on
the toilet lid. 2. My having the measles, chicken pox and a broken leg all
at the same time. I remember the pink blanket over the window as the light
bothered my eyes. Jump from that to being sent to a boarding school at 7
where everyone spoke only Italian. All 7 of us were sent to different areas
in Europe. I remember my time there at the convent being raised by Sister
Delores. I loved her so much. I remember my Russian ballet instructor, my
horse, my being in charge of the other 12 kids from varying families around
the world. I don’t remember going there beyond my dad telling me he was
taking me on a trip. Mom did not attend. He left me at the convent for 7
years and rarely did anyone come to visit. Dad came for my confirmation.
Mom did not come.
Once when I was 11 mom came. I remember
her taking me out and we stayed in the hotel Azzie for 3 days and ate lots
of salami and bread and cheese. I remember an Olympic swimming pool and
going off the high dive. Beyond that I only remember abuse. Abused by my
brothers, their friends and family friends until I was in the 8th grade on
brief visits home. I am thankful I was sent away because the abuse when I
was home created this depressed fragmented person who I am today. I went to
all girl High schools until my junior year. There I latched onto a boy who
was very nice. Class president, football player everything. Everything that
was not going to be good for me in the future when I remembered the abuse.
All through my life, I knew there was something that was different about
me. I could do anything I put my mind to. People liked me for what I could
do for them. Other than that, they rarely included me in their plans. I was
the do it person. In the late 80's as one of my brothers 12 steps he had to
apologize to people for wrongs he had done to them. I was on vacation with
my 4 children and husband visiting his family when he chose to make this apology.
From then till now my life has not been good.
I was in such shock and the memories began to flood my mind. I was a
nervous wreck. I became anorexic. I was in the middle of earning a master’s
degree that I needed to set aside for 7 years. I left work and basically
stayed in bed for 4 years. I divorced my husband as he also began to
sexually abuse me. I loved him so much. Again I could not be what someone
else needed so my use was no more. I was left with 4 children.
I had a woman move in with me to help me
care for the children. I literally did not get out of bed. My mother said
my brother who apologized to me denied doing so, my other brother said he
was sorry if he did that however he had amnesia for everything past the
time he was 12. Yeah right. Like I believed that. So this Beast we call
depression hit me hard. I had never been angry in my life. I thought I was
happy. This sadness would not lift. I finally made several visits to psych
units all of them doing me no good.
After about 7 years, I tried to kill
myself and was unsuccessful. I was so angry that I was still alive. My
children, the youngest of who was 9, went to live with their dad. Big man
he went to court and said he did not know where I was and that I had
abandoned the kids alone at home. After two weeks in the hospital and
begging someone to help me get out, (my mom could not help as she had
tickets to fly out to Florida), I got out, threw away all my meds and
decided by hook or by crook I would pull myself together. I got someone to
purchase me some glasses as I could not see without them and I went about
getting rehired by my former employer. Now I was still extremely depressed
but I wanted my kids back so I had to pull my shit together. After 3 weeks
my ex decided he didn’t want the kids. He had pulled them out of their
schools and moved them into other schools for three weeks. What a toll
this took on their lives.
I got rehired. For two years I wore the
same 3 denim outfits to work. I didn’t care. I had to do it for them. I had
to make it seem like I was ok for them. My youngest would hear me open a
bottle of pills and start to cry. I promised him I would never do that
again. A promise I am so close to breaking now. So I worked for 13 years.
The last three as a principal dealing with many many cases of child abuse.
Finally my demons began to get the best of me again. I lost 60 lbs and just
left work one day never to return. My dr. said I needed at least a year off
of work they gave me 3 weeks. I used up my sick days and then retired. I
spent 3 months never leaving my home except for therapy; finally I entered
an outpatient facility for 3 weeks and regrouped.
I am still depressed. I do things yet the
depression goes nowhere. I cannot be fixed. I cannot take the psych meds. I
feel dead. As we begin to enter this new holiday season, I know that I will
be spending it alone. I don’t believe in heaven or hell. I believe it is my
life and I have truly done everything I can do to try and get better. My
father suffered from depression, so did his mother. What can I say? I am
sad every day. I let people know however no one wants to help me with this
burden. I don’t think there is any happiness for me in this life. I work at
it daily is all I can say it is a daily job to live with depression.
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