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My mother left us all when I was 10, got put into local authority care (major chip on my shoulder there), raped by strangers when I was 17.  I made a statement to the police and when I faltered to sign the statement female officer hit me (felt pleased when weeks later she got beat up by a gang) the male officer pulled her off me, then my mother got there and asked "what the .... have you done now!  Funny thing is I was a good quiet child, I was far too frightened of her to get into any trouble.  I did do one thing that I never ever told her, she used to spend lots of money on possessions and never have food in the cupboards so I got a tile cutter and cut these really expensive Wedgewood dinner plates of hers into two, glued them back together and put them back, shes never known cos there was 12 of them and she never used more than 4 of them, never had that many friends.  Got diagnosed with Anorexia and depression at 18 (Always amazes me, ever heard of an anorexic thats happy?) In hosp. for about 8 months, staff were wonderful and so was the psych, though the first doctor I saw before I got to see qualified caring people, said all I needed was to eat properly!!!!  I walked outside to my mum and putting in X's for my Anglo Saxon expressions  said somat like, "Well xxxx me, if only I had xxxxxxx known that I would have had a peanut butter sandwich before I came".  Got to see a decent doctor and got the help I needed, not the magic wand I was hoping for or the magic 'happy tab', slow, painful, humiliating, enlightening, amazing. 
 
Went for a years group therapy, that I didn't see the point of till about 2 weeks in.  It wore me out more than a physical assault course, I could sleep 15 hrs no problem. When asked about group therapy the best I can say is, its rather like wandering in the mountains without a map, then you get given the map, a torch and with some help, choose your own roads.  So you can still mess up, but you get to know sooner that you've messed up. 
 
The bulk of the anorexia had gone by the time I was 23/24. Fell in love with a guy that loved his ex, chucked him out, rebounded to a control freak, dumped him, he tried to kill himself, stalked me, phoned me from the hospital he had been sectioned in..  Met my husband when I was 27, we have been together for nearly 20 yrs now, he was 6ft 2  when I met him, worn him down, hes only 5ft 3 now, nah not really.  He's a wonderful tolerant human being, far too good for me, but we love each other come hell or high water, I just wish I was stronger for him, I sometimes feel like a cannonball collared around his neck. 
 
Cracked up again 2/4yrs ago, tried to kill myself, I think it was serious, as the doctor in the hospital said when I asked her "do you think I meant it?".  Her reply was "well, you've ticked all the boxes in my book".  Lovely staff at the casualty and the police were great, even though I was verbally abusive (not violent) I thought it was wonderful of them to bother with me!! I kept telling them to go and deal with really sick people that were having strokes and heart attacks.  One said to me that he had nothing to do anyway and I was keeping him from being lazy!!!  Anyhow, ambulance staff were not exactly caring, I got the feeling they thought I'd tried suicide just as it was a part time hobby of mine or somat.  I was dumped in the waiting area of the hosp.  I didn't even know it was a hospital, I wasn't really sure where I was, maybe I was in a ferrys waiting room or their mates big house,I really didn't know or care.  Someone offered me a cup of tea, and it was only when I spilled it I realised how much blood was allover my clothes!!!  I felt so awful, what a terrible terrible thing I had done, and even I'd failed at that.  I remember looking up at the stars and this nurse, thinking, 'I shouldn't be seeing these stars or even know this nurse exists, I should be gone'. Left the hosp. one day to go and get some things, like tablets to try again, police came, said they were going to escort me back to the hospital, and did I want to get my things, they didn't know I had already consumed the tabs, so as I sat waiting I keeled over halfway through my cigarette (I really thought that I had maybe one hour before the tabs kicked in) and woke up in hospital, failed again!!  Got discharged some weeks later, was on my way to another attempt when the local mental health team virtually caught me in the act!!!   During all of the above my husband has been wonderful, my friends great, my family quite awful and intolerant so I don't speak to them now.  I think I gave the game away, cos if someone like me is around it can tell the world that maybe 'the image' ain't all its cracked up to be.  Lots of stuff shoved under the carpet in my family, ever seen Secrets & Lies by Mike Lee?, oh boy I could have made that film 10 times as long.  Any how, during all of this I have took anti D's and Seroxat, sleeping tablets, other calm me down stuff,  does me the world of good, it don't cure all, but it stops me from falling flat on my face, though one sleeping tablet I had in the hospital worked rather like Diamond White Cider did with me,  I got to fall asleep from the legs up!!  I am still amazed that I felt like I was on a ferry in a force 9 gale, I had to make sure I was on the bed 20 minutes after I took it, if not, I needed staff to get me to bed!!  With my genetic inheritance I am amazed I have lasted this long, I had no chance of not seeing the inside of a psychiatric hospital.  When I got took to the hospital when I was 17 my father told me, ah, this is where your grandfather was when he was younger!!!  I burst out crying and poor old dad went all quiet.  The times I have been admitted to hospital and  asked if I take non prescription drugs and/or alcohol, my reply has always been 'I have enough problems being like this, I really don't need to make things worse by drugs or alcohol'.  I am an additive free neurotic!  I had 3 relatives that have killed themselves and few more that have attempted and your guess is as good as mine regarding the ones I don't know about. 
 
My friends and husband are invaluable to me.  I used to think that a friend was someone you had known a long long time.  Now I think its someone who does the right thing in the right place, the right words at the right time, or just 'being there'.  It doesn't have to be someone I have known for years. 
 
One thing that does help me, when it gets through to that 'neurotic twin' of mine is 'to think of the next 10 minutes only'.  Some hours I can live my whole life in my mind with all the terrors, fears, illnesses, disasters.  I worry about whats happened in the past, what is happening, what could/will happen etc etc etc.  I am trying to think of something I haven't worried about, hah and I can't.  Ah there is one, I don't worry about fluff in my belly button!!  I wear myself out worrying, have bored people senseless, I am sure driven people away, I do wish I could get a break from myself, borrow someone else's worry free head for a day or two.  But then maybe I wouldn't give it back to them and what would they do then?
 
As the song says one wheel on my wagon and I'm still rolling along.
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Revised: 01/26/07.

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