Hi everyone, I think I'm hre because I have zero self-esteem. Whenever something goes wrong I blame myself. I'm 24 and haven't had anything close to an intimate relationship since high-school. Right now I'm hung up on a girl who is still screwing her ex who, according to her and all her friends, is the worst thing that ever happened to her. What it feels like is that she goes to him for gratification and keeps me around for satisfaction and, even knowing this, I can't get her out of my head. For example, our mutual friends were hosting a lingerie party, which I was only invited to a day before, even though everyone else knew about it for over a month. I wasn't going to go because it was so last-minute, but she texted me and convinced me to come. During the night we made out a bit, then she started telling her friends, while I was around, about new years stories involving the aforementioned ex, while I was sitting right next to her. Not too long later, after spending most of her time texting, she left the party without saying anything to anyone. And now here I am, feeling used and hating myself for it, for the I-don't-even-know-how-many-ith time, wishing I could just forget about her and move on. And yet here I am, still able to smell her perfume hours after she left and I got home.
But at the same time I'm thinking that, the fact that I'm 24 and haven't found someone who actually appreciates me is more my fault than anyone else's. I mean, how long can you blame other people or unfortunate circumstance or bad luck for your failures until you start to realise that it must be somehow your fault? There are too many happy couples, or at least people who enjoy each other's company and the fact that I've never experienced that at this point must mean that there's something wrong with me. I mean it can't be normal to spend most of your time hating yourself and your life. And I mean hate with the full meaning and power of the word. I hate, loath, distain, pity and am disgusted by every aspect of myself, more so than anyone else I know.
People keep telling me that I just have to keep trying, that I can't give up, that things will work out because I'm a good person and I care about others. But I call bullshit. The universe works one of two ways. Either it is fair, and people get what they deserve, which in my case means I'm a bad person that deserves nothing but pain and lonliness, or it is completely random, in which case nothing is guaranteed and I'm just an unfortunate victim of a shitty dice-toss and am destined to a life of lonliness and despair.
I'm leaning towards the latter. My friends keep trying to convince me that I'll find someone, that I just have to give it time, but there are enough people out there that end up old, lonely and alone that I can't believe that Disney Hollywood bullshit anymore. In this world you have to both deserve to be with someone and be lucky and skilled enough to have the opportunity to do so.
I'm none of those things. I'm awkward, boring and while I'm not neccissarily ugly, I'm nowhere near attractive enough to get by on looks alone.
While I've been dealing with intermittent depression since high school, these past few months have been perticularily hard on me, what with the whole situation with the girl I just gave an example of, my 18-year old sister being pregnant (a fact I found out through an instagram post) and the dog I grew up with dying suddenly from a tumor-induced siezure.
It's gotten to the point where I drink alone when my roomates aren't around and I can;t really bring myself to care about anything. I'm not at the point of contemplating suicide, but in all honesty, I couldn't really give less of a shit if I live or die. The only thing that really keeps me going is knowing what kind of an impact me dying would have on the people who care about me, but then my depression starts convincing me that I'm only living for other people instead of living for myself and what's the point of that?
It kills me that I'm in the prime of my life and I can't get myself to a place where I can enjoy it. I'm wasting my youth away hating myself and it feels like there's nothing I can do about it.
I just feel like no one really loves me, no one cares about me, that I'm useless. That I have no purpose in life and thus have no reason to exist. I was an accident, my parents had me when they were 17 and pawned me off on my grandmother so they could go off and live their lives without having to deal with raising a child. I shouldn't be here, don't belong here, and will never feel like I belong anywhere. I'll always feel like an outsider looking in, observing people enjoyuing themselves and pretending to be happy with them, but never really able to join them and feel what they feel.
I hate that even though I know that most of these thoughts are irrational, or at least represent a negative, skewed and warped interpretation of reality, that they don't seem any less true and that they can still drive me to hate myself more than anything else I can imagine.
The worst part is that I can't bring myself to talk about any of this to anyone. Sure, every now and then I'll let little bits slip to my friends when we're drunk and I can't hold it all back, but no one know how deep my depression runs and how pervasive it is in my daily life. And how could I talk to them about it? Who am I to make them deal with my problems when they more than likely have their own to handle? Just thinking about unloading my issues on the people I care about makes me hate myself even more. It just seems so selfish.
Anywho, I apologise for the rant I posted in lieu of an introduction, but I'm still a little drunk and I'm going to go wash my hands until I can't smell that damn perfume anymore, then pass out and spend the next few days hating myself for being such a pitiful human being.
I don't expect anyone to read through all this, I just needed to write it down. Writing this kind of stuff down has been the only thing that has kept me semi-sane after all these years, and this way I can at least have the belief that maybe someone read and understood it.