I've not been around here for a while, not sure why, too much going on everywhere maybe, but today I felt the need so here I am.
I guess the big thing I've been struggling with in the last few months in therapy. After a lot of encouraging and support from a friend, I contacted someone and saw them for the first time in August. I've been seeing them regularly since then, I counted up, and I think it's been 12 or 13 appointments now. And goodness me, has it been tough. I knew it would be, I've tried and failed to do this in the past, but this time, I'm actually trying harder than before. I would like to make it work, because I'm so tired of being miserable all the time. Somehow, I just don't seem to be able to make it happen. I fight against everything she suggests, even when I do try it, I don't seem to be able to believe it and actually make it happen. I don't know why, and I find talking about it all absolute agony. I think I'm lucky with the psychologist I'm seeing, she is a very nice person, and she seems to understand what I am saying and is willing to keep trying stuff with me. I just want so badly to find a way in, maybe I want it too much, but I'm not able to make it work. Something there is stopping me.
Today was a particularly painful session. She noticed the major anxiety very early on, in fact it was hard not to notice it, but then today, based on lot of talking, she told me she's thinking I might suffer from dysthmia, or whatever it's properly called, chronic, low level depression. She is quite possibly right - it was when the discussion came round to the fact that I wasn't sure when I last felt anything joyful, or happy, and I just felt as grey and miserable as the weather outside, but all the time. It quite possibly does fit, who knows, it not what I went to see her looking for but if I'm going to solve a problem I guess it helps to work out what it is. But the other issue we were trying to address is the resistance to everything she suggests and why it's happening. I don't know, and it all hurts so much I just ended there crying my eyes out.
It's all just left me feeling totally drained. It doesn't help that the rest of my life is total chaos too. Work is a living hell for all of us at the moment, management don't have a clue and we're all suffering. Problem is, I can't cope with it, and added to my own personal struggles, it's too much to handle. My manager and team leader are great and do everything they can to help me, but they can only do so much, they aren't in control of the decisions being made, so it doesn't really change a lot. They just help me survive each working day and get done what needs to be done. Home isn't much better, November was full of visitors, I've had endless minor stresses to deal with that add up to major stress and now my husband has to work every Saturday up to christmas, so he's extra tired and stressed out too. I don't know how to handle all this when I'm feeling so emotionally vulnerable and beaten up. Trying to get up, and keeping fighting, is just more than I feel like I can do right now.
Anyway, anyone who got this far, thanks for reading,