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Struggling onwards....


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#1 Judithemu

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Posted 02 December 2014 - 07:40 PM

Hi all,

 

I've not been around here for a while, not sure why, too much going on everywhere maybe, but today I felt the need so here I am.

 

I guess the big thing I've been struggling with in the last few months in therapy. After a lot of encouraging and support from a friend, I contacted someone and saw them for the first time in August. I've been seeing them regularly since then, I counted up, and I think it's been 12 or 13 appointments now. And goodness me, has it been tough. I knew it would be, I've tried and failed to do this in the past, but this time, I'm actually trying harder than before. I would like to make it work, because I'm so tired of being miserable all the time. Somehow, I just don't seem to be able to make it happen. I fight against everything she suggests, even when I do try it, I don't seem to be able to believe it and actually make it happen. I don't know why, and I find talking about it all absolute agony. I think I'm lucky with the psychologist I'm seeing, she is a very nice person, and she seems to understand what I am saying and is willing to keep trying stuff with me. I just want so badly to find a way in, maybe I want it too much, but I'm not able to make it work. Something there is stopping me.

 

Today was a particularly painful session. She noticed the major anxiety very early on, in fact it was hard not to notice it, but then today, based on lot of talking, she told me she's thinking I might suffer from dysthmia, or whatever it's properly called, chronic, low level depression. She is quite possibly right - it was when the discussion came round to the fact that I wasn't sure when I last felt anything joyful, or happy, and I just felt as grey and miserable as the weather outside, but all the time. It quite possibly does fit, who knows, it not what I went to see her looking for but if I'm going to solve a problem I guess it helps to work out what it is. But the other issue we were trying to address is the resistance to everything she suggests and why it's happening. I don't know, and it all hurts so much I just ended there crying my eyes out.

 

It's all just left me feeling totally drained. It doesn't help that the rest of my life is total chaos too. Work is a living hell for all of us at the moment, management don't have a clue and we're all suffering. Problem is, I can't cope with it, and added to my own personal struggles, it's too much to handle. My manager and team leader are great and do everything they can to help me, but they can only do so much, they aren't in control of the decisions being made, so it doesn't really change a lot. They just help me survive each working day and get done what needs to be done. Home isn't much better, November was full of visitors, I've had endless minor stresses to deal with that add up to major stress and now my husband has to work every Saturday up to christmas, so he's extra tired and stressed out too. I don't know how to handle all this when I'm feeling so emotionally vulnerable and beaten up. Trying to get up, and keeping fighting, is just more than I feel like I can do right now.

 

Anyway, anyone who got this far, thanks for reading,

 

love Jude



#2 Marvin42

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Posted 03 December 2014 - 12:24 AM

Hey Jude

Don't make it bad...

 

I feell for you.  Some time (a few years) after my 3 months in mental hosptal it was my turn for some kind of therapy and I was given Cognitive Analytic Therapy.  I had got back to work by this time, not the work I did before the breakdown, but as a self-employed builder.  I had eight weekly sessions with a very astute black lady doctor.  Around half way through I was in such a state that I just wanted to end it all so one day when I couldn't stop crying and driving around with 'comfortably numb' blasting out I went into the centre where the sessions happened, not on a day when my doc was there, and asked to see someone.  A male nurse explained to me that it was common for the feelings released in the CAT sessions to become overpowering about half way through the course, he explained about coping resources and promised that the rest of the course would help me.

 

It sounds as if you may be in the same place.  The sessions are like opening a can of worms - they won't all go back in the can.  With me, the therapist explained to me that I didn't feel worthy, that I denied myself anything good or nice because I felt I didn't deserve it.  There was more but that's all I remember. I think that this could be a turning point for you, but it will take time.

 

As regards management not having a clue... try two things: first, imagine the management person concerned sitting on the toilet with their underwear round theier ankles; second, find and listen to Jake Thackary's song 'The Bull".  It should make you laugh.  It's online.  It helps me to put the know-nothing managers who don't understand the needs of staff, and the organisers who think that what needs organising isn't the thing the organisation is trying to achieve but the organisation itself, into perspective.

 

Love and best wishes,

Marve



#3 Judithemu

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Posted 04 December 2014 - 08:14 AM

Hi Marve,

 

That's for the reply, and sharing your experiences. I knew when I started seeing the psychologist that if I was going to get anywhere it would difficult, and I would have times of finding it incredibly hard. I know for sure that I don't feel I deserve anything positive, and I also know that no one else thinks that about me, I'm the only one. I'm my own worst enemy, by a very long way. I think I am just getting frustrated by my inability to do anything about that and I'm starting to think that this might not be worth the pain - it would be different if I felt I was going somewhere, but that's not how I feel at all. I find it so hard to talk, I get so overwhelmed by anxiety even when I try that we struggle to get anywhere. I don't know why it happens, I can't discuss it and it doesn't just go away, and I don't know what to do about it. It all does take so much time. I've spent 20 years dodging issues, not knowing what to do and avoiding things even when I did know. That's not going to be fixed overnight, or even in 3 months, or 6 months. The emotional instability that it causes just makes everything in life such hard work, and I do think, is it worth it.

 

As for management, that did make me smile. Not much does at the moment! A bit of light hearted relief is needed, but hard to find! Perspective is also a tough one. I lose perspective so quickly, I get so wrapped up in what is causing the issue, it's so close to me, I can't see past it and see the bigger picture. It's easy to know you are doing that, and not so easy to change it.

 

love Jude



#4 Ol'Beard-o-BeesPool

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Posted 04 December 2014 - 02:56 PM

Jude,

 

  Your description of dysthymia was eye-opening.  I have been to multiple therapists and doctors; no one ever mentioned this condition!  It nearly explains me perfectly.  I have been depressed for as long as I can remember, it is persistent and I struggle to find joy in anything.  I checked it out on Wikipedia and sent the article to some of my friends and family, asking for their opinion.  I may call my therapist back and ask her if she thinks I suffer from this condition.  So I wanted to say thank you.  I may be at the doorstep of recovery and it is all thanks to you.

 

Also, managers are idiots.  Make sure you get as much as possible in writing so that you have evidence of their idiocy.  COVER YOUR BUTT as we like to say in the States!

 

And Marve, you are worthy!