I sort of don't know where to begin. I just spent about an hour typing, accidentally closed the tab, and lost my entire post. Which may be for the best...after an hour of typing, it probably was too long anyway. But...still.
I'm just...sorta done. Not checking out done, but resigned, without the energy or desire to even try. Like mental hibernation. Out of ideas, out of motivation, and going to autopilot. Declining to attempt to actually do anything, effect any change in my life because it's not going to work right now. I'll check back in a month or two and see if conditions are more favorable, so to speak.
I am at the point that everything annoys or irritates me. I have come to kind of expect it for now, try to just let things go and not get riled up by every little thing. The potential is there, and I'm not always successful...but luckily my hubby and kids pretty much know to take it all in stride and that I'll get over it. I have some really amazing kids...teens now, good sense of humor and common sense, helpful and funny. They (husband included) are definitely bright spots for me.
Without going into a long and drawn out explanation, there are a few big things that I am at a loss to deal with. I am trying to just...let things be, but they are big ones.
Vehicle issues are stressing me out. We have two useless vans in our possession to unload for considerably less than we paid for them, and I'm still ticked off at the kid that smashed into our car (that we were quite fond of) that started the whole mess. And we still have to track down a running vehicle that will pass safety and hopefully last for a while. Third time's the charm, right? Of course this causes financial issues that I don't feel at all equipped to deal with. I want to, I just feel so ill equipped to even try.
Then there is family relationships. Long, drawn out, drama filled backstories that culminate in me waiting for the other shoe to drop. Passive aggression via Facebook updates when everything could be handled with a simple phone call or private message. And in the end, it probably doesn't matter anyway...some people just look for drama, and when they can't find it...create it. But it is bothering me in this nagging way. For whatever reason, everyone else can have crises and catastrophe...not me. I kinda hate people in general for the most part right now. When I feel like that, I stay away from them (as much for them as for me) but they just don't get it.
Then...Christmas. I don't participate in the buy-fest (can't afford to even if I wanted to), try to keep it low key at home and enjoy with the people I do like. But there are the obligatory visits (unless the family crap actually blows up before then) that I am kinda loathing. There is the desire to at least do something a little nice for the kids, for the hubby who is always so patient and kind. And it all leaves me feeling like swimming in molasses just trying to achieve the smallest things. We can barely afford the day to day expenses that go along with being alive (like rent...and food) then throw on top of it this big holiday with all it's expectations (even if they are not big ones.)
I have had depression and anxiety in one form or another my entire life. I get it. I hate it, but I understand it. The insomnia, the indifference, the irritation and the inability to enjoy any moments at all right now. The uninvited anxiety and the physical symptoms that go along with it. It's all exhausting, draining... I'm trying (and mostly failing...but I didn't expect different). I want my normal back more than some of these people in my life can even begin to understand. The last thing I want right now is to be isolated, but what's the other option? There are just a few things I want to achieve right now: Get the kids a couple presents, visit with a few people I actually like, and survive the winter.