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Down in the dumps? Yes.


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#1 craftycatlady

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Posted 01 December 2014 - 12:08 PM

I sort of don't know where to begin.  I just spent about an hour typing, accidentally closed the tab, and lost my entire post.  Which may be for the best...after an hour of typing, it probably was too long anyway.  But...still.  

 

I'm just...sorta done.  Not checking out done, but resigned, without the energy or desire to even try.  Like mental hibernation.  Out of ideas, out of motivation, and going to autopilot.  Declining to attempt to actually do anything, effect any change in my life because it's not going to work right now.  I'll check back in a month or two and see if conditions are more favorable, so to speak.  

 

I am at the point that everything annoys or irritates me.  I have come to kind of expect it for now, try to just let things go and not get riled up by every little thing.  The potential is there, and I'm not always successful...but luckily my hubby and kids pretty much know to take it all in stride and that I'll get over it.  I have some really amazing kids...teens now, good sense of humor and common sense, helpful and funny.  They (husband included) are definitely bright spots for me.  

 

Without going into a long and drawn out explanation, there are a few big things that I am at a loss to deal with.  I am trying to just...let things be, but they are big ones.

 

Vehicle issues are stressing me out.  We have two useless vans in our possession to unload for considerably less than we paid for them, and I'm still ticked off at the kid that smashed into our car (that we were quite fond of) that started the whole mess.  And we still have to track down a running vehicle that will pass safety and hopefully last for a while.  Third time's the charm, right?  Of course this causes financial issues that I don't feel at all equipped to deal with.  I want to, I just feel so ill equipped to even try.  

 

Then there is family relationships.  Long, drawn out, drama filled backstories that culminate in me waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Passive aggression via Facebook updates when everything could be handled with a simple phone call or private message.  And in the end, it probably doesn't matter anyway...some people just look for drama, and when they can't find it...create it.  But it is bothering me in this nagging way.  For whatever reason, everyone else can have crises and catastrophe...not me.  I kinda hate people in general for the most part right now.   When I feel like that, I stay away from them (as much for them as for me) but they just don't get it.

 

Then...Christmas.  I don't participate in the buy-fest (can't afford to even if I wanted to), try to keep it low key at home and enjoy with the people I do like.  But there are the obligatory visits (unless the family crap actually blows up before then) that I am kinda loathing.  There is the desire to at least do something a little nice for the kids, for the hubby who is always so patient and kind.  And it all leaves me feeling like swimming in molasses just trying to achieve the smallest things.  We can barely afford the day to day expenses that go along with being alive (like rent...and food) then throw on top of it this big holiday with all it's expectations (even if they are not big ones.)

 

I have had depression and anxiety in one form or another my entire life.  I get it.  I hate it, but I understand it.   The insomnia, the indifference, the irritation and the inability to enjoy any moments at all right now.  The uninvited anxiety and the physical symptoms that go along with it.  It's all exhausting, draining...  I'm trying (and mostly failing...but I didn't expect different).  I want my normal back more than some of these people in my life can even begin to understand.  The last thing I want right now is to be isolated, but what's the other option?  There are just a few things I want to achieve right now:  Get the kids a couple presents, visit with a few people I actually like, and survive the winter.



#2 Judithemu

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Posted 02 December 2014 - 07:25 PM

Hello there,

 

You've got a lot going on there, and I understand where you are coming from. You reach a point where you can't do anymore, there isn't anything else to give, you've just had it. I'm kind of there too today. I just sat there with a friend this afternoon, and said, I've had enough, I don't have the energy to fight, I can't do this anymore. It's all just too much to handle isn't it, and you shut down. So I know that feeling. Yet, you can't shut down, because you have to keep functioning. Issues to solve, people to see, things to be done. And where's the resources for coping with it all coming from?

 

I wish I could offer you something more than saying I understand, but right now, I'm kind of out of ideas too. Keep hanging on, let people help you where they can, and try and be just a bit kind to yourself. That's about all I can do.

 

take care,

 

Jude



#3 Marvin42

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Posted 02 December 2014 - 11:51 PM

Cat, Emu... I feel for you.  The days I have lost off work knowing that I can't cope, the times I have arrived to do a job and just sat in my van outside the house unable to get out and meet the client and then, afraid to go home so soon, done something else with the day... I understand.  Sometimes the only place we can go to when life is a bitch is inside ourselves.  Works for me, although I don't think anyone could understand that unless they had expereinced depression.  It can take a week or so, with me, to get back to fully functioning.  I never forget, though, that underneath the confident exterior I really can't cope.  I actually think a lot more people feel that way than would admit it.

 

Just now I'm OK, working for a customer/friend I've worked for for over 25 years, enlarging and refitting their kitchen.  We should get paid in time for Christmas, which would be handy.  My wife isn't speaking to me so far this week (partly because I haven't brought any money in lately) but apart from that everything is hunky-dory.

 

Going back to the days I can't get out of my van: I have a rescued mutt who rides with me every day.  My wife doesn't like him much, so he comes to work with me: he's good company, he guards the van when I'm not there, he has his water in a mug on the dash and many of my customers let him into their house or garden, plus we have a walk of a mile or so most evenings after work. He's on my payroll as Head of Security but his main role is in his capacity as Company Optimist.  If I can't work, I sometimes drive him to North Beach in Great Yarmouth, about 25 miles away, where we can have a long walk on the sand and share a bacon butty if the cafe is open.  We both feel better after that.

 

I understand the stress from other people who just seem to want to make trouble, it's more hurtful when they're family.

 

Sorry, not much help.  Hugs to both of you,

Marvin