I'm 28 and live in the Washington, D.C. area. I was recently diagnosed with depression as well as Borderline Personality Disorder. I've had suicidal thoughts for as long as I can remember and I've had episodes of depression that last weeks or months, usually involving abandonment or rejection in some sense. At my best I feel like I'm just existing and that I don't really have anything to live for. I use alcohol as a crutch to numb myself and I have rocky relationships with women because I'm horrible with emotions and I use attention from women to validate myself.
The frustrating thing is that I know I've been relatively lucky in life: I have loving family and friends, I've traveled all over the world and I have a good education and a good job. So on top of my intense sadness I'm frustrated by the fact that I feel so sad, which only compounds the issue and makes me feel hopeless. I judge myself very harshly which holds me back from a lot of things that would make me happy, like talking to girls or pursuing hobbies.
I get so scared to "put myself out there" that I often just shut down completely. It's really paralyzing; it's like my mind just closes in on itself. I feel so inadequate that I wouldn't be able to stand up to any sort of scrutiny, and I don't feel like I deserve to be loved. I feel like there's something wrong with me that makes me different, in a mostly bad way. Lately I've been spending a lot of time feeling like I'm choking back tears.
I've started Dialectical Behavior Therapy and 50 mg of Zoloft (Sertraline) daily, but it still feels like I'm just managing day-to-day. I probably need to increase my dosage because I also found out that severe depression runs in my family.
In any case, I'm committed to working on it and I'm happy to have an outlet like this forum.