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Depression Borderline Personality bpd

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#1 cp293

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Posted 24 November 2014 - 02:59 AM

Hi,

 

I'm 28 and live in the Washington, D.C. area.  I was recently diagnosed with depression as well as Borderline Personality Disorder.  I've had suicidal thoughts for as long as I can remember and I've had episodes of depression that last weeks or months, usually involving abandonment or rejection in some sense.  At my best I feel like I'm just existing and that I don't really have anything to live for.  I use alcohol as a crutch to numb myself and I have rocky relationships with women because I'm horrible with emotions and I use attention from women to validate myself.

 

The frustrating thing is that I know I've been relatively lucky in life: I have loving family and friends, I've traveled all over the world and I have a good education and a good job.  So on top of my intense sadness I'm frustrated by the fact that I feel so sad, which only compounds the issue and makes me feel hopeless.  I judge myself very harshly which holds me back from a lot of things that would make me happy, like talking to girls or pursuing hobbies.

 

I get so scared to "put myself out there" that I often just shut down completely.  It's really paralyzing; it's like my mind just closes in on itself.  I feel so inadequate that I wouldn't be able to stand up to any sort of scrutiny, and I don't feel like I deserve to be loved.  I feel like there's something wrong with me that makes me different, in a mostly bad way.  Lately I've been spending a lot of time feeling like I'm choking back tears.

 

I've started Dialectical Behavior Therapy and 50 mg of Zoloft (Sertraline) daily, but it still feels like I'm just managing day-to-day.  I probably need to increase my dosage because I also found out that severe depression runs in my family.

 

In any case, I'm committed to working on it and I'm happy to have an outlet like this forum.



#2 fiona

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Posted 29 November 2014 - 09:02 PM

cp293 -

 

Your post was a very honest and open one. I'm sure you know if you've read many of the posts here you are not alone.  There isn't anything you wrote that I haven't felt and lived myself.

 

What would make the depression lift?  Experience says....a lot of hard work in going after "something".  Many people don't have a something to even dream about and that is an awful curse.  It doesn't have to be a big thing, just something to work at day after day.  When I was in one of the worst tail spins of my life I was saved by going back to school.  Having a goal, having the courage to follow through with it and getting through the whole thing to reap some benefit helped me tremendously.  It doesn't mean the sky is golden and everything is wonderful, but it does mean I've achieved one thing, maybe I could achieve more.

 

I'm not sure I can say anything to help.  Dream just a little.  What would life be like if you had your loving family, your good education, your good job and the wonderful experience of your travels and someone wrote you a blank check to do one more thing just for yourself?  What would it be?  And, don't say you don't deserve it.  Remember you're dreaming and there is no wrong answer.  Sometimes your subconscious hides these sorts of dreams from you until one day when you really feel cheated.  It's then that you start to believe that you have no choices and no options, but the truth is we always have choices and options.  We have to fight the beast.  That's the title of this forum and it is ever so appropriate.

 

Regards,

Fiona



#3 Judithemu

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Posted 02 December 2014 - 07:16 PM

hello there, and welcome, here is a good place to share those things that you don't have anywhere else to share.

 

I think a lot of what you said also applies to me - I have so much, and feel so terrible, it just makes me feel worse. I can't offer you any magic cures, I don't think there are any, other than time and effort. I'm glad you say you are committed to working on it, and I hope the things you are working on make a difference to you.

 

Although you might feel you are just hanging on in there, it's possible others around you have noticed something different about you. I'm struggling with therapy, and it's hard work, and I feel horrendous a lot of the time, yet people around me do notice a difference, which makes me believe something might be working, even if I don't feel it. I think part of the problem is that you are so busy living it, and doing that day to day existing thing, you don't notice the small things that make a difference, at least not for a while. I think it's just a matter of keeping going with the treatment and giving it the chance to make a difference.

 

Hope to see you around

love Jude



#4 invisiblebutterfly

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Posted 13 December 2014 - 01:05 AM

You are not alone.  Reading your post is like reading about myself.  Take care, hoping the best for you.  Keep us posted.





Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: Depression, Borderline Personality, bpd