I am so happy (even though I am depressed, lol) that there is this forum. I have been looking for something like this for a while, and I don't know why I haven't come across it until now.
This has been a tough week. I read some other introductions, and I identified with some.
I'm 30. I'm not as depressed about that number, as I am about the phase in life I am in right now. I am at a point where people are getting married, buying houses, and having kids. What once was a group of friends has now sort of dissolved. One friend moved down the shore (in NJ), another moved to the city and will probably buy a house in Long Island, others moved to the city, those in my area are having children, and I still live at home.
At work, I don't really feel like I fit in with any people.
I just feel that at this point I don't really have anyone to talk to other than my therapist, but that doesn't translate over into the "real world." Hence why I am here. I am "hungry" for company, for understanding. Not just food. I am "hungry" for happiness. I am hungry for fulfillment and for peace. I often find myself thinking about ending it all. I have never actually tried, though the thoughts have always been in my head since I was very very little.
When I was very very little, I always dreamed of my own funeral. I always dreamt up different ways of dying. Again, to this day, I don't know why I haven't actually attempted anything, but the ideas are always in the back of my head.
I am just glad that there is this website that I can come to. I feel like I cannot talk to any people who were my friends. (I guess they are my friends, there was never an official end, but they have kind of faded out of my weekend happenings, and are no longer people who I really see.) There is no one to talk to other than my therapist, and I feel like I can only write in a journal so often. I feel like I need to put this out there so that somewhere, somehow, there is someone that might potentially read this. Even if there is no response, at least I will have felt that I have shared my feelings that I could not have otherwise shared.
I am hungry.
I am Jenn.