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everything goes wrong

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#1 theunknownkk

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Posted 10 October 2014 - 01:50 AM

Hi, im new to btb, a girl i know who also suffered from depression told me to try and talk to others and since i do ot feel comfortable talking to my parents or friends about how i feel i guess im trying an online forum. im a 14 year old male, i was born in a good home, no child abuse no alcoholic parents or anything like that at first my father had a steady job my mom was mostly stay at home and had my older brother to talk to. at the age of 4 my parents started fighting, and separated for a couple of months in the meanwhile me and my brother lived with our aunt and cousins outside the city. before my 5th birthday we moved back to our parents house till 2006, at this point they started fighting again, and finally divorced for good. my dad quit his job and moved back to an old house of his, and my mom moved in with her cousin as our parents got things settled in court my brother and i would move from one parent to the other bi-weekly. when our parents saw each other they would always start fighting, and at one point my mom almost stabbed my father with her car keys for picking up me and my brother from school while it was her turn. in 2007 my dad married another woman, in the beginning she was nice but as time past she became cruel, she would blame things on us, my dad quickly realised what was going on and divorced her. in July, 2007 my brother started having trouble in school, and was battling with epilepsy, so he got sent to my uncle in Holland. i was alone for the first time in my life no one to talk to barely any friends to play with i became noticeably sadder as time passed on every now and then i got to skype with him, but eventually he stopped calling, i was still going between my parents. in 2009 my brother came back from Holland, but he was different he wouldn't talk to me as much he wouldnt comfort me when i was feeling down, it felt as if he was still gone, and i was still alone. he would mostly stay with my mother and as time passed i visited my mom less often because i felt lonelier there than when i was in my room at my dad's house, my mom was mostly at work during the day and was busy studying at night so it was me and my brother alone we wouldn't talk even though we were in the same room we would just watch tv every now and then a random topic appeared and we would talk briefly. so i stayed at my dad's house locked in my room most of the time this went on for a while. occasionally i would visit or they would visit at my dad's house my mom and dad became ''friends'' again so we saw each other more often. in the meanwhile my dad started dating many other women before finally deciding that we were better off on our own, at school i started getting bullied and i started losing friends till i was practically abandoned by all of them i felt empty by the start of 2010, i lost hope for ever getting things in order, i even attempted suicide multiple times, but was stopped by my family, this gave me a bit of hope, i became a bit happier and made a small group of friends, which i didn't keep very long as i moved to another school. at that school i quickly made ''friends'' because my brother became popular and new pretty much everyone, my parents were proud of him, but i never seemed to make them happy each time i came home their smiles would fade. the girls at the school started calling me gay because of how nice i was to everyone and how i found it disrespectful to look at their breasts r butts. once i told one of them to button up their shirt because everyone was staring, and this triggered all the girls to believe i was gay. i felt horrible everyday, i tried to make myself more interesting,but each time i would fail and make a fool of myself, so everyday would end with me regretting everything. this continued till september 8th this year when my brother died in a car crash at the age of 19. both my parents have become stressed and slightly depressive. a week goes by and all i hear people tell me is how my brother trully cared for me but didn't show it clearly to me this made me feel horrible, i still loved my brother even though we weren't as close as we use to be, buti would still take a bullet for him, since i always gave him shit for not being there for me when i needed him. it gave me this feeling of guilt and then i realized my brother was the only thing that made my parents proud, i never make them happy, proud. it's like i disgrace them in my presence. now i regret every choice i made in life i regret being born, everyone i know hates me, i annoy them, and am a burden to everyone around me, life is extremely unfair i always get told good things come to those who do good, but apparently that doesn't count for me i'm always nice to others i keep my problems from them so i don't become more of a burden, but even though i would do anything for them im always unappreciated i always get walked over, and at this point im getting really tired of it, my brother use to light up an entire room with is presence while i do the opposite, i try to make myself happy and keep the so called friends i have but i end up regretting everything at the end of the day, i get no comfort from friends, i feel abandoned, as days go by i feel myself breaking down im becoming violent. recently i even started getting suicidal thoughts again, guess cutting myself is becoming boring. sorry if the post is a bit long hope i can make some progress while im here.

Edited by theunknownkk, 10 October 2014 - 02:13 AM.

#2 Mike.G.486

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Posted 10 October 2014 - 02:19 AM

Hi kid. I had some similar problems you did. I too have a brother that can light up a room and I'm more of a wallflower when it comes to a party or social event where I don't know most people. When you are in public school you don't seem to have much of a choice about who you interact with or which social gatherings you can go to or where your friends are going to come from. I want you to know that as you get older those circumstances do change. There are people out there you will find that you relate a whole lot better to than the ones you met in high school who are either too different from you, or could never understand.


When I was in high school I didn't have many friends and I still have problems relating to most people. When I went to college and got out there in the world I found people I could relate to. I found that I didn't have to light up a room when I walked in, and parties were never something I was really interested in. You may be like me and enjoy small gatherings of people you know well and play games with. You don't have to be your brother, and if your parents seem disappointed in that you need to find acceptance within yourself until they come around or until you don't need it anymore.


As for girl problems, don't worry. Many teenage girls I have noticed nowadays are really stupid. If you don't fit into a category well enough you will be made fun of. Its just too hard to look at somebody as an individual and not as something they can box up and label well. Being a gentleman or wanting to encourage a sense of modesty is easily mistaken for a lack of interest in the opposite sex. Its just not something that they will encounter often in this age we live in. They don't know how to react to it. It isn't because they hate you, its because they are stupid.


You will find your lot in life. It will take some time and I wish you didn't have to wait long to get out of a bad situation. I want you to know that it does get better. I often thought about burning down my school, but really it wouldn't solve anything, change the world, or give anyone the right impression of who you are. Hell, I still feel like murdering some of my co-workers on several occasions, but I think you and I are a bit better than that. If you really want to show up your parents and your class mates, be better than all of them. Find what you really want in life and achieve the hell out of it. When you get to that point, you won't care about what they think of you after that.