Like many of you I suffer from depression. For the past four or five months I have been going through a bad one. It has caused my romantic relationship to suffer and we eventually pushed each other away. The majority of the few friends I have made over the years have moved on with their lives after college was over and I can hardly see them, and I don't really think they want to make an effort to try anymore. They all are getting married or having kids. I'm stuck with a job I hate, working strange hours that keeps me from picking up a Hobby, attending depression group meetings, and other things I think would improve my life just hoping I get a call from one of the places I apply to telling me I can quit my old job.
I went to college and got a four year degree in Criminal Justice. I grew up being emotionally and occasionally physically abused. I didn't fit in anywhere really and had a lot of trouble making friends in high school. I'm told I'm intelligent and funny, but I don't see it most of the time. I hate and judge myself just like I hate and judge most people I meet. After I graduated College I moved to a major US city and took a job as a Corrections Officer. Where most C/O's are paid $15 and hour my starting pay was little more than $11. They hire all the time because people quit due to being sick of the place or they finally get a better job somewhere else. I don't like most of my co-workers because they either have no business doing what we do everyday, they put mine and other lives at risk due to stupidity, or I just plain can't relate to them. I've been trying for a year and a half to get out and have been turned down from every probation office, police department, and better jails for various reasons.
At a young age I learned I was better off being left alone than being put down by my controlling mother or yelled at by my alcoholic father. I guess that lesson stuck with me as a survival mechanism I don't need anymore, but can't shake off. As soon as something went wrong in the rare occasion I was in a relationship, I would push the girl away. I once broke up with one because she told me she loved me. The feelings I associated with that word were pain, torment, and captivity as I learned from my family growing up. I hurt her with my issues and I can't find her anymore to let her know any of this.
I used to go to counseling when it was a free campus service. I made real progress in building friendships and working with people. I still use those lessons to get through the day. Lately i don't know why I bothered because everyone I care about leaves anyway.
Most mornings I wake up and look at the gun I keep next to my bed for protection and think about putting it to my head. I never go through with it because I'm afraid of what might be waiting for me if there is a life after death. Even if all I have to look forward to is non-existence it still scares me to think that the only time I had to exist was spent hating my life and my circumstances. I wonder what would happen if I tried to end it but lived, what the hell kind of life would be left to me then? Its out of fear, not hope that I stick around. In my years of dealing with those thoughts, not once have I ever attempted anything.
The one time I told somebody about these thoughts they threatened to have me institutionalized. I quit talking to people about it no matter how much I thought I trusted them. My mother was a nurse and thought the solution to all of life's problems was to throw a pill at it and call it good. I grew to hate pills, and doctors.
Even though I'm broken up with my last girlfriend we did get back in touch. She says she still loves me, but I'm not sure how I feel about her. She doesn't interest me anymore. The only good thing I can see that I get out of the relationship is not being alone. I told her to give me some time, find some kind of help to get myself out of this depression and we would see what could happen between us.
I don't want to be alone anymore, but I still don't like or trust most people. That's why I guess I'm trying an internet forum. I need to move forward in my life like I see everyone else doing, but I don't think I can keep doing it on my own. I need some kind of advice or just to know I'm not alone.
I thank you for allowing me to post on this site, and I thank you for reading this.