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Depressed life


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#1 Eeyorefortoolong

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Posted 30 September 2014 - 07:44 PM

Hi, I guess I'll just jump in and test the waters.  I'm brand new to BTB.  I am a 55 year old unemployed male.  I am fortunate to have a loving, supportive wife, three wonderful daughters, and a few semi-close friends.  I am also am a member of a church which gives me something of a support group there, although I often feel uncomfortable being there with my feelings of low self esteem and inadequacy. I am a musician/singer but I seem to be going deaf, which has affected my employment, many other aspects of life, and hasn't helped much with my depression.  I was emotionally abused as a child from as early as I can remember until my late teens by a sibling.  That has left an indelible mark upon my life..but I dare to think I can overcome it, or at least reach a higher level of happiness than I presently have (today seems to be one of my "dark" days.)  It seems to me that I've pretty much led a depressed life, characterized by various degrees of depression, anxiety, and low self esteem.  Sometimes, I've had periods of relative happiness, with my depression taking a back seat. About 2 1/2 years ago, I went through a nasty situation at work, resulting in my being treated very badly and eventually, I was fired.  That messed me up very badly and triggered severe depression that I haven't really recovered from completely.  After living in denial and barely functioning for over a year, I sought professional help and met with a counsellor for about a year. I made some pretty good progress, then the rug was jerked out from under me again recently. I desperately need someone I can talk to..and now I simply cannot afford professional counselling. 

I've been looking for a local support group for some time and found none.  My wife and several good friends know about my depression but I'm uncomfortable burdening them with my problems.  I've opened up to few people due to the "stigma" of suffering from depression.  I long to be able to talk about my sadness, my pain, my challenges, etc. with others who have some understanding of what I go through.  I am strongly focused on getting better.  Nothing else will do.  I am not willing to participate in "gripe sessions"  or "self pity."  I want to focus on the positive, and move in the direction of being less self-critical.

Interestingly enough, I chose this forum partly because of the name. I've come to view my "affliction" as a "beast."  The mental image I hold of it even resembles the illustration on this site.  In seeking out help in the past year and a half, I finally turned around and faced "the beast" and said "I've had enough of you..I'm fed up with you and I want to be rid of you..."  If only it were that simple.  The beast is much bigger and uglier than I had ever imagined, and not easy to tame.  Still, I'm determined to overcome.  I just want to get better.



#2 fiona

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Posted 05 October 2014 - 02:33 AM

eeyore - 

 

 

You sound like many of us.  Frustratedbut resourceful in light of the obstacles in front of you.  You've hit the nail on the head.  Just don't give up.  Keep fighting.  

 

Regards,

Fiona



#3 Eeyorefortoolong

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Posted 05 October 2014 - 11:01 PM

Thanks Fiona. I have no intention to give up.



#4 koolibah

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Posted 07 October 2014 - 02:00 AM

Hi eeyore. I'm new too. I'm afraid that theres a part of me which has given up but the other part wants to keep fighting for my daughter, granddaughter and boyfriend. I have chronic bad depression and struggle every day. I,ve battled isolating all my life but know it just makes things worse. Keep up the fight. You give me hope.  Koolibah



#5 Eeyorefortoolong

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Posted 11 October 2014 - 08:05 PM

Thanks for the encouragement Koolibah.  Never give up.  There is hope.     Eeyoreftl



#6 meli

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Posted 03 November 2014 - 04:42 PM

Hello,

 

I am brand new to this forum, brand new to ANY kind of on-line support group, chatroom, anything of the sort. As part of this journey into Hell, (this is how I view the past four years of my like,) I even quit Facebook as it was just too overwhelming to keep up with it. It stands then to reason that I feel no need to Tweet or participate in any social networking at all. I think I'm doing this today because I want to see if I can handle, even benefit from just this bit of interaction.

 

Being depressed is not really acknowledged as a real health condition in the family I grew up in. And I did an awfully good job of living by those rules for a good 40 years and creating my own family of inauthentic people. And when I was in my mid 40's things began to fall apart for me.(Sort of like one brick gives weigh in a dam and before you've figured out why, the entire dam breaks and topples your entire life into an irreparable quagmire of mud covered remnants of a life.)

 

I have a husband of 30 years. I have three adult children, one of them is married and so I have a daughter-in-law, and a just rurned 1 year old grandson, as well.

 

The married son does not permit any of our family to be a part of his life. My daughter, (who was truly my best friend, by both of our accounts) makes perfunctory visits and calls. My youngest son recently went to treatment for alcohol abuse and does not want to see much of anyone either. The family I created is an even lonelier place than I might ever imagined.

 

After three years of "shopping" I finally have both a great Therapist and a committed MD. It just feels like with or without help, the Beast is Bigger and Badder than anyone imagines, and I do not have the strength, or time left on earth to fix this wreckage for myself, or for those who come behind me.

 

I feel as though I exist in a room full of breakable objects and I'm just trying to survive in it without breaking anything else.

 

Thank you for taking time to read this, to anyone who might.

Sincerely,

meli

 



#7 markg2000

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Posted 03 November 2014 - 06:55 PM

i am also new to this group. keep up the fight. either you beat your fears or they beat you. keep up the fight. i am looking to meet or talk to people in like a buddy system. i am struggling but i am barely hanging in there. my name is mark and i can be reached at 347-651-3088