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the pain's still here....

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#1 Kash

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Posted 28 September 2014 - 07:13 AM

i will never forget the day i quit as my wife's caretaker.


In 1988 my wife noticed she could no longer walk downhill. She told me that she felt like she was falling. She had ben a hiker, but the feeling of falling convinced her to quit. Shortly after giving up hiking, she started choking on everything she ate. She also complained of depression and anxiety. By 1997 she had lost her job and was on Social Security Disability.


In 1998 she fell backward down a flight of stairs and cut her head open. A trip to the emergency room, an MRI to look for blood clots in her brain...the doctor had news. Her cerebellum is slowly dying off. The doctor predicted her voluntary muscle movements would progressively get worse. And, unfortunately, he was right. She started losing her ability to grasp, stand, use the TV remote and drive. She had to use a cane, then she advanced to needing a walker. She advanced to needing adaptive flatware and dishes. i started doing more and more of the chores around our condo. By 2007, she was using a wheelchair full time. By then i was her caretaker. i also worked full time. Unfortunately, at the time, i had a boss that probably could be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Her personality is fragmented and her ability to compensate is very brittle. She was a handful to deal with! i needed help. The state provided caretakers to come in and do chores, help my wife bathe and take care of herself. This was a blessing and a curse. i had far less work to do, but now there's a stranger in our condo. i took it all in stride, or tried to. i preservered as best i could, but i could feel myself getting tired.


It was during this time period that i was also in a D/s relationship. my Domme was getting worried about me. In 2010 She manuvered me into a collar and urged me, as my Mistress and as a friend, to get help. i couldn't get it together enough to get help. my Mistress finally resorted to using a whip to get me to do something. It helped a great deal but i was just sinking. i was almost past the point of being able to help myself.


By 2012, i was done. i was tired and i thought a lot about death. my boss was having problems and going through an emotional meltdown with lots of screaming at me, acusations and, what i consider anyway, verbal abuse. my wife was unaware of what was going on with me. my Mistress was regularly providing me with a safe place and structure for service, which was a godsend. But then, She'd get frustrated at my inability to get the help i needed and out would come the whip again. my two best friends in the world would listen patiently to me and let me vent. After i vented they would let me know they would always be there for me. my Mistress and friends helped so much, and i never could come up with how to thank them properly for what they did. But i was spent.


my wife's therapist dropped by to visit with my wife and i sat in on their session. And, quite frankly, i hijacked the session. i told my wife that i quit as her caretaker. i had nothing further to give her.


She moved out to a home and i started returning to normal. Gradually the stress subsided and life looked pretty good. i started to really enjoy my job, borderline boss notwithstanding, i was giving excellent service to my Mistress, and my wife wanted for nothing.


Last spring i started feeling run down. i saw my doctor and he found that my thyroid was 'acting up'. It rapidly got worse as my doctor and i evaluated the condition of my thyroid and came up with a plan. Soon, i had little energy and i was depressed. Then my wife had a series of accidents, resulting in getting sent to the emergency room for stitches. The home she was in discharged her and my wife went to a nursing home. She was acting very strangely. And i got so depressed i quit seeing my Mistress and doing housework, pretty much done with everything except going to work and watching videos when i got home. i was back to thinking of death and wishing how i felt would go away. Gradually the new thyroid medication started working and i felt better.


But, within the last two months that has changed. my thyroid is acting right but i'm depressed and now i'm also anxious. This has been getting worse. i checked in with my doctor aobut it. He had adminstered the Beck Depression Inventory and came up with, "not bad". But my world had turned to tears, lethargy, despair and feeling worthless. my doctor talked briefly about depression and gave me a flyer on the subect and i was on my own.


It was also about this time my Mistress released me from my collar. She is headed one direction with Her life, and i'm headed another. 


And my pain is still here....