I find myself back here after a while away. I recognise that insidious feeling creeping over me - the small things that seem ok - but gather and get worse. I can't seem to go to the supermarket! I can't cope with them at all, but we need food. May go to online shopping.
My mother had treatment for cancer in in March, and before that, was all the hospital visits, etc. She is now fully recovered btw, as surgery went well. I have a difficult relationship with her due to past hurts, she blames my deceased father for everything - but I blamed them both equally. I was able to forgive him, but seem to hold onto stuff with her - as she is still doing it!
She emotionally blackmailed me into going on holiday with her, my daughter and my partner. Two days before end holiday she was a complete cow to everyone all day. I had blazing row with her later in evening, and wanted to go home, but my daugher and partner talked me into having a meal - sitting like nothing had happened.
The result is we have patched it up, but I can hardly bear to be around her,I feel resentful that I slept over her house when she came out hospital, cared for her - and she still acts like we should all bow down and worship her. She is so hurtful with nasty remarks, arrogant behaviour and dirty looks. Her argument is 'God loves her and has forgiven me for my past.'
Interlaced with that - my partner (we dont live together though) - booked a holiday for Europe last December with his mates and kept it secret until i found out this January. He seemed totally bemused by my erruption of anger, grief and hurt - that he had kept it all secret, having little pub meetings, booking flights,etc - when I was worried sick about my mother's cancer.
We also patched things up, until he went on his holiday this summer (I was asked as an afterthought - but said no) and took 2 & a half weeks to see me again for a 10 day holiday, as he was sorting out tents, equipment, and food, etc. He turned up after his holiday, for ONE day, then went home.
The result is, I feel two people in my life who say they love me - seem to have actions to say the opposite. I feel hurt, betrayed and stupid for loving them unconditionally for a while (look where that got me) and now I feel vengful, angry, and depressed. I can't seem to find the love for either of them, I just play along. If it weren't for my fabulous daughter, I would give up on people and not see anyone!
Sorry its a long one, but i cant seem to find the joy I once had, even in August when I was in my garden, with my animals, cycling - they just seemed flat and such an effort to cope with. I think those 2 triggers have started it all off again, and I am the 'over sensitive one' yet again.