[I apologize for the erratic post...my thoughts are clear, though cluttered at the moment.]
I had a breakdown this morning (like half an hour or so ago) at work...thankfully I was able to collect myself before anyone noticed (I'm not a fan of unneeded attention). I was looking up CO2 suicide techniques and kind of 'caught' myself. Managed to put my thoughts at rest (momentarily). I thought I had friends that I could reach out too, maybe go for a walk with after work to bring me down to Earth, but then I realized that not really. It was very difficult to tell two buddies of mind last year about this...this illness, it took a lot out of me, and I'm not sure I'm ready to 'come out' again to anyone. Unfortunately, I don't really know why, I haven't spoken to them in a while and I don't want to burden anyone else with it. I also have an ex bf (I'm bi) who has remained a really close friend in my life, and who still loves me as much as anyone can, but he has his own struggles and don't want him to have to carry mind in any way. I've been trying to detach myself, in a way. I don't think it's fair for people to invest time in the wreck of a person that I am, especially if there is no guarantee that I'll be there (here) in the future. I feed my romantic needs through hook ups mostly, and always cut people off when our lives are getting too intertwined.
It's just, I know somewhere inside that it's not fully me, who I am...but all I smell is weakness. Kind of how the last baby chick to hatch in a birds nest ends up dying, if not of starvation then because he was thrown overboard. Either way, it was because he was weak and his demise is part of our natural world. In a similar way, I'm starting to see myself in such terms...as in it wouldn't be unnatural for a weak being like myself to just stop being part of this world.
I don't know. It's starting to feel logical...and I read somewhere that when things start making sense and there is a sort of calm within the storm is when people tend to go through with it. Maybe that's why I'm here...I don't want it to feel so intuitively in place with the way the world works, but it does. I have a few anchors...my mom being the biggest one. I've never told her anything about any recent episodes, as I wouldn't want her to worry. The only one she knows about is my first one, junior year of high school - went from being a straight A student on his way to a life of possibilities, to an almost high school drop out. Things just stop mattering. I never quite understood what happened to me during that time 'till I read the Bell Jar. The only thing though, is that it didn't stop in high school. I thought it was fine, that it was just part of being a teenager and that's it. By my third year at university, I found myself suspended and my financial aid withdrawn due to a low gpa. School is easy for me...I enjoy reading, naturally score well in exams and excel in both math and science. Yet, all I've managed so far in the last 9 years since graduating (barely) high school, is an associates in biology. It's like I freeze. I have some semesters with stellar grades juxtaposed to ones with F's and W's. I don't think any university wants me at this point. I could only imagine the looks they have when they look at my transcripts...probably think I'm a joke. My family knows that I'm still going through school, but they don't know why it's taking so long. Meanwhile all my baby cousins (no longer babies) are entering universities and getting close to graduating, while their eldest cousin is working two jobs, still going to community college. I was (am?) supposed to be their role model.
Mentally, I've decided that I'm giving myself 'till 30 (I just turned 27). I have until I am 30 to get my act together...to overcome this weakness. I'm here because I know that if I want to make it to 30 that I can't do it on my own. I've tried that for the last 10 years, and it's gotten me nothing, just managed to delay the inevitable. I don't know where to go or whom to go to. I went to a psychiatrist once for an evaluation (this was last year) and he confirmed that I, in fact, had clinical depression. They wanted to give me drugs though, which I don't feel comfortable with and therefore never went back. Perhaps my fear of medication is irrational, but I don't want them to change who I am (my personality) - though, I guess, that is the point. I have many days where I am dreaming of my future, traveling the world...living a life worth living...and I act on it (I explore, enjoy photography, sign myself up for classes every semester thinking -knowing- that this semester will be different.) Then there are days like today that drag on for many days until they become months, and the only pertinent thing on my mind is how I can Leave without causing my mom/family so much pain. I don't want her to think she was a bad mom or that she has any blame...quite the opposite (she's been a loving nurturing mother, a father and friend). I'm not sure a letter would suffice, she/they deserve more than that.
I don't know... I apologize for my rant, but I figured this would be as good a place as any without having my family or friends or coworkers worry. I don't want them to start treating me differently. Where do I go...what do I do from here?