I suppose probably like many others I just want to vent anonymously, and possibly even not feel judged.
When I look at it - I have a great life. Job, family, car, house, pets, volunteer work. The job isn't my dream job that I wanted for years, but I'm good at it and can possibly make quite a success out of it. I'm in my late twenties. The volunteer work is great, helping others really does make a world of difference. I am quite close to my Mum which is great.
I have friends now, for the first time in years. I'm finally reaching that point where I can say yep I'm settled, I can make this my life, this is pretty darned good.
Then there's the but. I cannot shake my moods. I'm quick to temper, fall into "bad moods" for seemingly no reason - where I treat others like crap (especially my Mum), go back to wanting my angry music, twisted daydreams and generally an all over evil, dark feeling. I go weeks, months even, where I'm perfectly ok. Then for no reason, switch... and I'm that person I don't want to be again. The strange thing is though, when I am like it - I thrive on it. I want to feel angry, sad, down - and I put myself and my mind in places where those 'bad' feelings can prosper. My feelings show, so I tend to hurt people with a look, or tone of voice - even if I'm trying not to. Thats my big problem. I can cope with feeling down myself, but the guilt when I say or do something to make someone else feel horrible just with a look, tone or gesture rips me up.
I get paranoid - at work, thinking my boss (who is wonderful) hates me and wants to fire me; with friends, thinking they don't want to be around me anymore, thinking I'm annoying them when I talk to them. I notice that I say wrong things, feel like I'm being judged, apologise a lot and basically feel worthless and pathetic.
I cannot talk to Mum about it as she has her own inner demons. She's never been diagnosed with anything but she's down a lot and has had a pretty tough life. My friends are relatively new friends, I don't want to jeopardise the friendships I have by spilling my guts and scaring people away.
I've been single for quite a few years - around seven. I wouldn't have a clue what to do when dating any more haha! I've been waiting until I consider myself worthy of a partner... waiting until I'm thin enough, pretty enough, not as annoying, learn to keep my mouth shut, be better in social situations. I'm starting to come to the realisation this isn't going to happen though - my expectations of myself are too high, so then I wonder who in the world could want this given I'll never get there and be perfect?
I'm not expecting anything here - just a chance to spill I guess! Get it out, then feel nice and embarrassed that I did