Jump to content


Photo

Not sure what I'm doing here really


  • Please log in to reply
2 replies to this topic

#1 ccc212

ccc212
  • Members
  • 1 posts
  • Flag:
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:Australia

Posted 14 July 2014 - 10:44 AM

I suppose probably like many others I just want to vent anonymously, and possibly even not feel judged. 

 

When I look at it - I have a great life. Job, family, car, house, pets, volunteer work. The job isn't my dream job that I wanted for years, but I'm good at it and can possibly make quite a success out of it. I'm in my late twenties. The volunteer work is great, helping others really does make a world of difference. I am quite close to my Mum which is great. 

 

I have friends now, for the first time in years. I'm finally reaching that point where I can say yep I'm settled, I can make this my life, this is pretty darned good. 

 

Then there's the but. I cannot shake my moods. I'm quick to temper, fall into "bad moods" for seemingly no reason - where I treat others like crap (especially my Mum), go back to wanting my angry music, twisted daydreams and generally an all over evil, dark feeling. I go weeks, months even, where I'm perfectly ok. Then for no reason, switch... and I'm that person I don't want to be again. The strange thing is though, when I am like it - I thrive on it. I want to feel angry, sad, down - and I put myself and my mind in places where those 'bad' feelings can prosper. My feelings show, so I tend to hurt people with a look, or tone of voice - even if I'm trying not to. Thats my big problem. I can cope with feeling down myself, but the guilt when I say or do something to make someone else feel horrible just with a look, tone or gesture rips me up. 

 

I get paranoid - at work, thinking my boss (who is wonderful) hates me and wants to fire me; with friends, thinking they don't want to be around me anymore, thinking I'm annoying them when I talk to them. I notice that I say wrong things, feel like I'm being judged, apologise a lot and basically feel worthless and pathetic.  

 

I cannot talk to Mum about it as she has her own inner demons. She's never been diagnosed with anything but she's down a lot and has had a pretty tough life. My friends are relatively new friends, I don't want to jeopardise the friendships I have by spilling my guts and scaring people away. 

 

I've been single for quite a few years - around seven. I wouldn't have a clue what to do when dating any more haha! I've been waiting until I consider myself worthy of a partner... waiting until I'm thin enough, pretty enough, not as annoying, learn to keep my mouth shut, be better in social situations. I'm starting to come to the realisation this isn't going to happen though - my expectations of myself are too high, so then I wonder who in the world could want this given I'll never get there and be perfect? 

 

I'm not expecting anything here - just a chance to spill I guess! Get it out, then feel nice and embarrassed that I did :) 



#2 fiona

fiona
  • Members
  • 149 posts
  • Flag:
  • Gender:Female
  • Interests:world music, poetry, all creative arts

Posted 19 July 2014 - 07:27 PM

ccc212 -

 

Wow...hard to write anything that's going to help much...  Your job is not your dream job, your moods are not behaving themselves, you're "waiting until you consider yourself worthy of a partner".  I can echo a few of those thoughts from pieces of my own life only I'm 57.  The only sage advice I can give you if you are still in your late twenties don't get too complacent.  Don't be afraid to take a risk, it's the only way you'll ever find out if you can reach for that dream job.  Make some male friends with no particular expectations but convince yourself that you are absolutely worthy of love like any other human being.  And last, but not least work on your  thought patterns.  It's not a big secret that meditation and self awareness can help you control your emotions.  Don't give in to anger, it is only sucks you into a cycle of pain that you don't need to invite to be part of your life.  If you're angry that other people are not cooperating with how you think things should go, you'll never be able to control it.  If you're angry with yourself for not attaining what you're secretly hoping for....don't make your hopes and dreams a secret...try to move towards them with baby steps.

 

Take care!

Fiona



#3 KylieJane

KylieJane
  • Members
  • 1,017 posts
  • Flag:
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:District 12

Posted 19 July 2014 - 07:46 PM

Welcome to the forum.  I can empathize with this because it sounds a lot like me, including the part about the 7 years:

 

 

 

I've been single for quite a few years - around seven. I wouldn't have a clue what to do when dating any more haha! I've been waiting until I consider myself worthy of a partner... waiting until I'm thin enough, pretty enough, not as annoying, learn to keep my mouth shut, be better in social situations. I'm starting to come to the realisation this isn't going to happen though - my expectations of myself are too high, so then I wonder who in the world could want this given I'll never get there and be perfect?