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depressiona relationships stuck numb cold rant

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#1 alainaxo

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Posted 14 June 2014 - 12:01 AM

I woke up knowing that it was going to be "one of those days" and i knew i couldn't do anything to shake the feeling... riding the wave of emotions was my only option. the only thing though- there was only one. sadness. It seemed to have come from no where, usually the way it always starts. It was a deep and bottomless and i felt like i was drowning. I tried to take my mind off of it. I tried everything and nothing seemed to work. It felt like the more i tried to forget the more intense it became. I even went out with my boyfriend, we talked a little, grabbed a smoothie, and picked up a movie. but nothing. We decided to drive around town and I was relieved, I knew I wouldn't feel obligated to fill in the awkward silences or think about things to talk about. But a long with that, I knew silence wasn't the answer. I spend a lot of time in my head anyways, so this only fed into it. I knew i should've tried to talk, about something, anything but my lips wouldn't move. or maybe i just lacked motivation to speak. but either way, i was trapped in my head. I thought about how alone i felt. about how no one would understand. hell, i don't even understand... but all i knew is that i hated feeling this way. 

I don't know how much time had passed and it felt like i was just completely gone. just lost in my thoughts. and all of a sudden we were pulling up in the driveway... knowing i didn't say much or anything at all during the long drive home, i knew my boyfriend would be asking me questions... questions i didn't have answers too. and i hated this part. all i wanted to do was crawl in my bed and hide under the covers and go to sleep...

When i walk inside my room it's always the same feelings. How i don't want to be here. How tired I am of looking at these four walls. How trapped i feel. I spend everyday locked inside this place and i hate it. Sleeping seems to be the only thing i can think of that i actually enjoy doing in this bedroom... actually, it seems to be the only thing i enjoy at all. and it's sad. I used to enjoy a lot of things i think, but it's been so long that i don't remember 

as i snap back into reality i see my boyfriend's face. the dissapointment. the saddness. he know's something is wrong and it kills me. he always knows. and even when he asks what's wrong, he knows everything's wrong and there's nothing he can do to fix me. and i know he's getting tired of this rollercoaster and it scares me to death.

& I hate how he know's im not there. i hate how he knows i'm sad. i hate how he knows when i feel insecure. i hate how he knows everything. and one day he's going to leave me because i'm not going to be enough. i'm never going to be enough. i'm always going to be stuck in this labyrinth. and i'm never going to get off.

#2 Marvin42

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Posted 15 June 2014 - 11:52 PM

OK, so maybe you will always be stuckin this labyrinth.  Many of us are.  I keep myself going because I know that there will be better times.  It's tricky when you know that someone cares about you but can't respond to them as you and they want, probably most of us have been there.  I see depression as a cycle, you WILL feel better and it will be easier to relate to others.

Hang in there.

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