Posted 13 June 2014 - 06:46 PM
Next weeks goal is to find someone, and make an appointment. I don't think it's going to be any easier than this week, but I have a friend backing me up the whole way and I think we can make it happen.
Posted 14 June 2014 - 10:06 AM
Very happy to hear it!! You can do it and it is worth it. My only regret when I did it was not doing it sooner!!
Posted 15 June 2014 - 11:41 PM
Good decision! The best therapist I had was a lovely American lady who volunteered at the Big C centre (a brilliant charity for people with cancer and their families, attached to our local hospital and staffed by people who have had cancer thenselves) at a time when I had coped with supporting my wife through her mastectomy and chemo but then felt suicidal. That was 5 years ago but I will always remember that she persuaded me to promise not to kill myself. I did have one in around 1995 (when I was gearing up for the breakdown I had in '97) who was useless - she let me complain about situations and people and agreed with everything I said, but helped not at all. I really hope you get someone who can understand you.
Best of luck,
Posted 25 July 2014 - 08:30 PM
thanks for the encouragement. I've not found the right person yet, a couple of false starts, but I've not given up. I'm sure I'll find someone at some point. I still have my doubts that I'll be able to make it work, but I know I don't have many options left and I do at least have to try.....
love and hugs
Posted 26 July 2014 - 07:59 PM
Be careful that you give whomever you have an appointment with an adequate chance to get to know you. You may, in your mind, have a distinct feeling about someone who will fit your requirements or not. But, keep in mind that just as you are not going to spill 100% of your beans during an initial interview, you may connect with a therapist who takes a while in their mind to analyze what areas they came help you in. Any kind of therapeutic relationship takes many, many meetings to get to a comfort level. I'm just hoping you realize that.
Posted 27 July 2014 - 09:01 AM
Thanks for the advice, and yes, I think I do understand what you mean. When I say false starts, I mean trying to actually get to see someone! The first person couldn't give me an appointment when I was available, and the second wasn't taking on new clients for the moment. I think I may have found another suitable person to contact, I just have to do that now....
I really have no idea who or what might help me, as you say, I think I have to see someone and try and start the process and see how it works. I'm expecting it to take a long time, seeing as it's taking nearly 20 years to make up my mind to see someone, then another 2 months to find a specific person, I think it would be surprising if it didn't take a long time. And I don't expect it to be easy either.
Let's see what happens in the next weeks, maybe I'll eventually find someone who can give me an appointment...!
Posted 26 August 2014 - 05:55 PM
I did find someone who could give me an appointment, and I am now due to see her tomorrow for the third time. But oh my goodness, this is difficult. I never expected it to be easy, but this is almost crippling me. I'm really struggling to deal with actually doing this.
I like the therapist so far, she's a nice lady, I feel comfortable with her and from what she's said so far, I think she is on my wavelength. I don't think, at this stage, she is the problem. I think I am the problem. I find it so incredibly difficult to communicate about anything. The initial assessment went ok and I think we managed to agree on what I needed to try and do and that she thought she could help me. I didn't find it easy, I had to talk about a lot of things that I don't usually even mention. But I made it through that ok. I think it was after that I started to struggle. To start with I was so focused on actually getting through the door, but since then I've started to worry about the process or something. The second appointment was just over a week later and by the end of that week I was barely hanging on. By the time it got to the appointment I was in such a state I couldn't communicate effectively about anything. The first thing she asked was how I'd felt in the last week after the first appointment, you know, fairly normal questions. Now, obviously I'd felt something, I'd spent the week feeling terrible, a complete mess, but I didn't know how to say that, I just shrugged my shoulders and said it was ok. That was obviously a lie, and we both knew it, and as we tried to get past that it just got worse and worse until by half way through the session I was so tense I stopped communicating altogether. We tried some relaxation things which helped enough for us to be able to at least discuss what was going on, but it's obviously going to be a problem.
For the moment, anxiety is killing me. Today at work was truly dreadful, by lunchtime I was in complete physical meltdown, shaking, finding it hard to breathe, dizzy etc. I tried so hard to control it but I just couldn't calm down. I spent the afternoon lurking in various corners, not wanting to be on my own as I felt so awful, but totally unable to be with people, and there was no way i could get any work done. I'm not sure I have ever felt so bad for so long.
I'm honestly not sure why it's quite so bad, as I say, I never expected it to be easy, my past experiences and common sense tell me that. Maybe I just want to make it work too badly. Or maybe I'm not trying hard enough? I'm totally inexperienced with trying to do this properly - all my past attempts have involved me trying to avoid being part of the process, and now I know I have to be part of this to make it happen. I'm not about to give up, because it's been tough to even get this far, it's taken years. Maybe I just need to give it time, but I can't handle it getting so awful, as it affects everything, including actually trying to get somewhere in therapy. We did discuss whether I had ever taken any medications, how I felt about them etc, so that is on the table, but I don't know if it's the right thing to do or I should be able to calm down enough to a least try and get this started.
If you got this far, thanks for reading!
Posted 31 August 2014 - 06:18 PM
Wow Jude -
Don't know what to say to all of what you wrote. Or maybe I do, because you know me, never at a loss for an opinion.....sounds like because you've got a toe hold on the iceberg you're discovering that it's a huge thing...which it is. So....maybe what you need to do is compartmentalize it for yourself and put up some boundaries to protect yourself from getting overwhelmed. Since you are obviously worried about what you are going to say in response to this therapist, why don't you go in with a whole focus on just one small aspect of things in your life that you've thought about and are more or less prepared to "tell her about". IF you tell her rather than let her question you maybe that will give you a sense of control. Pick a topic like 'my relationship with my boss", "a time when I've been able to share things with a friend and how far or not far it's gotten, things I recognize that increase my anxiety level, my self-image and why I need to feel I need to hide feelings.....anything that you know where you can come up with real life examples of instances that you've had problems with, but may not be ultra sensitive so you won't feel that awkwardness in sharing. If she does start asking questions that you don't feel prepared to answer, don't be afraid of saying or asking her back....can I take some time to think about that and talk about it another time...or next session. Don't forget you are paying her to help you, you are not submitting to some sort of quiz show where you only progress and earn prizes by giving back correct answers. The correct response is a happier you. Sounds to me like the only way you are going to get there is by you taking the drivers seat and steering things only as far as you are comfortable going. At least you will be able to say that you are actively working thing out with another human being as witness.
Can't walk in your moccasins, but that is what I would try next.
Hope you will find your way.