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Guilty and lower than ever

travel christmas marraige

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#1 luckyirishlass

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Posted 26 December 2013 - 01:27 AM

Hi everyone,
ive been with my boyfriend for four and a half years now. Im 28 and he's 29. For the pastfew years ive been drepressed, and am currentky at my lowest. I am constantly on the brink of tears or angry, which i try to hide with alot of fake happiness. He knows everything ive been through, and knows i find it hard sometimes, but honestly he has no idea just how hard. We dont live together, my career took a long time to take off, so living in my family home which is near work made sense, much cheaper when your an unpaid intern. But I NEED to move out for my sanity. My family are driving me up the wall, and I feel trully miserable here.
I mentioned this to my bf, who at the moment is renting a room in a huge house in the city. Now, I didnt say this to him in an effort to hint that I wanted him to ask me to move in with him. But thats what he did which is nice. Thing is, i dont think i want to live with him. Heck sometimes I think id be better off breKing up with him and saving him the missery.. he wants a huge family with kids, white picket fence and all that. That type of future terrifies me.
I dont know if I want to be a mother. It sounds like a prison sentance to me. Iworked so god dam hard killing my self in college and in different companies trying to build a career.. the thought of even a hint of giving that up sounds mad to me. I feel like bird trapped in a cage...
my family want the big white wedding and buying a house and kids... I just want to be free to live my own life and free of the burden of responsibilty and dissapointment.
I feel so guilty.. I have been lookign online to get a job in my industry in south korea. Oh another thing about me, im really into their culture. From korean dramas to korean pop, it just makes me happy! Which is rare these days. I dont know what to do. Im terrified of tellingmy boyfriend the truth, because I know it will devestate him.
I dont know what to do. My bf is abroad alot with work, and it makes things so hard. Everytime he goes away I feel like he's loosing me more and more. When he's away I escape deeper into a fantasy of leaving the country or renting an appartment with koreans. I want to tell him how I feel but I have no idea were to start. Im scared that I might be making a huge mistake showing him this side of me.
He's away with his family in london over the christmas, and im really low. Every minute is a battle.
Any advise greatly appreciated.

oh btw, im on bluefish 10mg..
but I want to ask the doc for something stronger.

#2 fiona

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Posted 28 December 2013 - 01:34 AM

luckyirishlass -

 

Gee…..you know although I can sympathize with the elements of depression in what you wrote I also think you are way more ahead of the game than you give yourself credit for.  Bravo to you that you recognize that guy in hand or not, you are the one ultimately responsible for your career.   This is your decision - not some combination of not hurting him and satisfying something your family has in mind for you.

 

Wow….don't be afraid of your attraction to all things Korean either.  Things like that happen for a reason you will only know if you follow it to the conclusion and become involved in some job or living situation where you have more interaction.  It's a definite life skill to be able to adapt to living in another cultural context.  You go girl!

 

At some point though you really have to get honest with the boyfriend.  Maybe you don't feel up to it immediately, but it's got to happen,  Maybe if you get a solid plan for yourself it will feel easier to communicate to him why you are choosing that and not him.  But, he's got to realize that you've not moved in with him to make an additional commitment for some reason.  All the things you wrote are totally valid.  You both have a lot of life ahead of you and if you need time to experiment on your own this is the time to do it, not after you commit, not after you have had your first child and not after you suddenly realize that you didn't explore some avenues of life that you wish you could have.  Please allow yourself this opportunity and don't cave in to other's demands.  This one is for you.

 

Best of luck,

Fiona