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My Relationship Is Over


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#1 tatu-girl

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Posted 22 December 2013 - 12:04 PM

I have had depression for around 4 years and I had been in a relationship for 2 and a 1/2 years. My boyfriend broke up with me this year in July and we have still been seeing each other (rarely) and talking to each other everyday. There are times when I get extremely angry with him like when he promises to do something and doesn't or because he lies a lot and it has not helped us to get back together. Last night I did it again and he said its defiantly over, I still love him so much and we have a lot in common and he was still with me when I had some "episodes" and when no one else probably would of stayed. I don't have a job, any friends, no partner and I don't think I'm good looking. I often ask myself what is the point in my life. I don't want my ex to leave, he made me happy (sometimes) and I couldn't imagine anyone better...

#2 fiona

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Posted 22 December 2013 - 07:35 PM

Tatu -

 

There are two distinct issues in your posting…..1)love and 2)life.

 

It seems like you really love this guy but for whatever reasons he wants to distance himself.  Saying that he has been with you throughout "episodes" is a big deal.  Like you said yourself, no one else probably would have stayed, but he did, so he must care about you.  Longer term relationships take much more than even love sometimes.  I think you should be glad that he is at least being honest with you in acknowledging that he has some real issues with your relationship.  Could be that it's over, could be that it still can work out.  Sounds like you need to listen very hard to what his concerns are.

 

Number 2 issue…life...is something that you should start taking a hard look at.  To say you have no job and no friends is not a good situation.  Even if this guy proposed marriage to you, in most modern people's lives to make it in this world the woman has to work as well as the man.  It's not just about getting married, having babies and cleaning the house any more.  I think if you got a job you would start to develop some confidence in yourself.  If you develop more self-confidence you will attract more friends…..and, if you have a better life you will seem less needy to any potential boyfriends.  It's very hard to re-focus yourself when you suffer from depression.  I've been there myself.  But, I know it's possible to turn things around.  I had to go back to school to get some more solid credentials to find myself the kind of job I wanted and needed.  My life has been a lot better having put in that work to get me to a place I can feel good about.  It's a big effort, that's for sure,  but you have to invest in yourself to get something out of it in the end,  Don't let the depression sucker you into thinking that you can't.  

 

Regards,

Fiona



#3 tatu-girl

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Posted 23 December 2013 - 01:36 PM

I really want him back, I was doing ok when we were still talking and hanging out. I hoped we would get back together, there's a part of me that still feels like he loves me still somehow, but he won't even see me and talk to me about it, he does it through text like he did when he broke up with me. I know this is my longest relationship and people say the first real relationship always stays with u and u won't let them go even if you should. The thing is I don't want to let him go even after everything, I still love him somehow and I can't stop crying or worrying when I'm out that I'd see him or his friends or family. I miss him so much, I don't want to find anyone else... I just want him back
Now I just feel down everyday, don't do anything, don't want to talk or see anyone, don't eat much, sleep all day, can't stop crying

#4 fiona

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Posted 25 December 2013 - 12:26 PM

Tatu -

 

My heart goes out to you.  Please hang in there.  From what you write it's 100% depression talking.  Is there anywhere you can get some help with things?  Not even necessarily a psychiatrist, but maybe a minister, a counselor, a support group?  Have you ever tried any of those?

 

If you really do love this guy, which it seems is definitely the case….try to pull yourself out of it for his sake.  I don't think you want him to feel sorry for you.  You want him to love you for all the best parts of yourself that he got to know when you were first starting your relationship.  If he is only texting you and not willing to see you in person maybe it's because he doesn't want to see you all teary and red eyed from crying.  Maybe he doesn't want to feel guilty that he is causing this.  Think of it from his perspective.

 

If you can, please also think about what I said in my other posting to you.  You've got to grab for something in life other than this man to get you out of the depression.  I truly do hope somehow you work it out with him to get back together but you have to start developing a life with our without him.

 

Regards,

Fiona

 

 



#5 KylieJane

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Posted 29 December 2013 - 08:58 PM

Sorry to hear about your relationship problems.  Mine is over too.  There's always other fish in the sea.  Don't know what else to say.



#6 Ed the chow hound

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Posted 30 December 2013 - 02:52 AM

Gals,

 

Like gold, love is where you find it and it can happen anyplace any time to anyone.

 

hugs

 

Ed the chow hound



#7 Neverhappy

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Posted 23 January 2014 - 01:07 PM

Love hurts. Sometimes that hurt leads to a better relationship and sometimes it doesn't. You sound young and very down on yourself, but that doesn't mean any one else can't love you. I have known lots of people myself included who have clung to a bad relationship because they felt they loved the other person even though the relationship was not good. All of us have finally had to give up and move on eventually and we all ended up better in the end.

 

It is not easy to move on and it will hurt for a while, you have to make yourself move on slowly. I had a good councilor way back when who told me even if you feel you can't move  just make yourself du one thing just one gets you started then when you are comfortable with just doing one thing make yourself do just one more thing. We can always do just one more, and eventually you are doing a few things a day and the more you do the better you feel.  I do this to myself even when I am at my lowest I do at least one thing, it can be small like emptying the dishwasher but at the end of the day I feel better that I at least got one thing done. When I can I push for just one more thing and some days I push for just one more and ending up getting lots done. Other days I am satisfied with just that one thing. After over 40 years living with chronic depression and bouts of severe depression I have learned it can easily spiral to a very scary point if I let it.

 

What I am trying (in a round about way) to say is maybe you need to let this relationship go and let yourself hurt for a little while but don't give up on you and don't hide yourself away alone. and Eventually you will feel well enough and go out and find a better relationship. For the 1st 30 years of my life I went through a lot of relationships including a 3 year  marriage none of them were right. For the last  almost 30 years I have been in one relationship/marriage that has its ups and downs but is good enough to have lasted this long. So never give up on finding the right one for you and don't settle, sometimes love is not enough you have to have more to make a great relationship.



#8 tatu-girl

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Posted 26 January 2014 - 02:06 PM

I have tried to move on but I can't find anyone even just to talk to for now, they all just want sex. I just saw my exs profile on a dating site which made me cry and remember everything, I can't seem to say goodbye.. I don't want to but I know I should because it just keeps hurting knowing we will never be together again. I don't know if I will ever find anyone better than him, I just wish I could turn back time and fix everything

#9 fiona

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Posted 26 January 2014 - 03:51 PM

Tatu -

 

Still hear, listening to your cries for help.  Wish we could do more for you.

 

Sounds like you are trying to get out there and date again which is good.  But, as you said…they all just want sex…so obviously this is not the right avenue to help you.  You need some talk therapy that is not attached to a relationship.  Remember I advised….a minister, a support group a counselor….something!  There are some options out there that don't require monitory payments or specific commitment - like the support group thing.  If you talk about your issues beyond the relationship thing you may be able to get a start on seeing it for what it really is….YOUR LIFE.  I think Neverhappy had some really good advice on how to start small to build up your control.

 

You said that you wish you could turn back time and fix everything.  You can still fix everything….it's in your hands…..you just have to work at being the best you can be and not look outwards for a fix.  The fix is within!  Maybe I'm sounding Zen, but it is the truth.

 

Regards,

Fiona



#10 tatu-girl

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Posted 28 January 2014 - 10:45 AM

Thankyou Fiona, I have tried counseling a while ago but I just got worse after and was in a bad mood after

#11 Ed the chow hound

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Posted 30 January 2014 - 11:37 AM

Fiona,

 

I  have never had much success with talking therapy or counseling.  What is the general theory behind talk therapy?

 

hugs

 

Ed the chow hound



#12 fiona

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Posted 01 February 2014 - 11:56 AM

Ed and Tatu-

 

Sure there are things talk therapy can't touch.  But in general I find it helpful to have a non-biased party to assist me in making an intelligent non-emotional, non-anger attached plan at confronting what I am confronted with in life.  

 

When you say that you got worse after therapy, Tatu, I can probably relate to that.  There was a point when I was going to a counselor for help on a specific problem that I never got.  I just came to accept and realize that there was going to be no one in this world that could answer the questions I had and the sessions to "try to understand it" were pointless.  But it could be too that it seems worse because the counselor is getting close to talking about stuff that is painful to you.  Don't be afraid.  No pain, no gain…right?

 

But there are a lot of other situations where talk therapy can make a huge difference.  It probably comes less from the actual content of the talk than from the connections to other help that can result.  There was one counselor I got connected to that provided me a very important link to get funded to go back to school at one point in my life.  She knew something that brought me over a hump that I couldn't have solved by myself.

 

You've got to want to do the work to make it onto a different plane…whatever that is.  You've got to not be hesitant or afraid to get there through the help of others, because you'd be there already if you'd have had the skills to get there on your own, right?

 

Regards,

Fiona



#13 tatu-girl

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Posted 02 February 2014 - 12:56 PM

I must say one thing that has helped a bit when I'm depressed is music, sometimes it does sometimes is doesn't

#14 fiona

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Posted 08 February 2014 - 01:06 PM

tatu-girl -

 

Maybe we both need to make a list of things that have helped in the past.  Music is one for me too.  There are certain songs that have lyrics that express things I relate very strongly to.  I'm sure you have your favorites to play when you are feeling a certain way.  I really love a British group called "The Moulettes" and have a couple of their CDs that I play again and again.  There is one song that has a "chorus":  "When will I be delivered good news?  Here on the end of my tether, I think of you."  Those two lines sum it up for me totally.  I keep waiting for a better situation job wise and I really am at the end of my tether.  Those words ring sooooo true.  To hear those words set to music is somehow validating.

 

Are there other things that help that you can grab onto?  I'm feeling a need get something else going to distract me from my issues right now.  I saw a poster in the window of a shop recently advertising pottery lessons.  Don't know if I want to spend the time and the money on it right now, but it sure would be therapeutic  to get out one night a week and do something completely different.  Maybe there is something out there like that for you?

 

Let's both keep trying.

 

Regards,

Fiona