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Recently diagnosed, what should I do regarding relationships in general?

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#1 NaturallyMe21

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Posted 16 October 2013 - 01:27 AM

Hi everyone,

I'm 21 years old and I attend my local community college since 2010. I was recently diagnosed as depressed by one of the school therapist's that I recently went back to seeing. Here's a little background: I've struggled with depressive moods off and on since I was 13, but was never officially diagnosed. I've always struggled with remaining friends with girls my age (not the case with guys). I've always felt different from everyone else and that no one understands me. Even now. I have friends but I always feel like I'm the puzzle piece that doesn't fit in.

 

Relationships with men have always been a little bit rocky or unstable. One of my previous boyfriends was depressive, suicidal, and manipulative. I'm currently in a 'relationship' of sorts. We were committed but then I began to succumb to the depression: arguments constantly, the constant need to be validated about his affection for me, the doubts, and the negative thoughts became too much. It lead to a huge blowout where I said some hurtful things and it lead him to distance himself from me.

 

Then, I got my diagnosis. Which was about 5 days ago. I told him about the diagnosis after much hesitation. At first he didn't seem to know how to respond. So I backed off. But yesterday, he told me he wants to make sure he's there for me and wants help me through this. Seeing as though everything happened when we were on a relationship break, we aren't sure what to label things. We decided to forgo labels at the moment and just do what feels right: whether it's friends or being together.

 

Even though, he's supportive, I still feel like I don't deserve him at all. I feel like I deserved to be manipulated and treated like crap because I feel like I'm a horrible person :(

 

What do I do? I love him and he seems to truly care for me (he hasn't said the L word yet).

I'm so confused, frustrated, and scared that I might have damaged our relationship beyond repair even though I apologized for everything.



#2 fiona

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Posted 20 October 2013 - 08:32 PM

Naturally -

 

I think you have done exactly the right thing with your relationship.  Letting your boyfriend in on your diagnosis was a brave step many people don't feel comfortable making.  A great reassurance that he in turn has said he would try to be supportive.  I think you've got a keeper here.  

 

Above all, don't put yourself down...you said you were apologizing for your condition and the things you said that caused the first blowout.  Yes, you can and should apologize for some of the words, but never apologize for being you and having a condition which will take some major work to deal with.  You DO deserve him or anyone else who sees past a diagnosis to the real you.  You don't want to go backwards into an abusive relationship to punish yourself so please stop thinking that.

 

Arguments can be their own thing, all couples have them.  The need for an excessive amount of validation from a partner is not a healthy behavior.  You've got to let go of that some to give your relationship some room to sort itself out.  Part of love is being able to trust.  Your boyfriend's lack of use of the L word may be a blessing in disguise.  At least he is not using it in an untruthful way and is really waiting for things to be right to start in with that.  Work on this relationship.....it sounds like he's someone that you could really grow with and cherish for his willingness to do the right thing.

 

Good luck,

Fiona



#3 Hangingon

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Posted 20 October 2013 - 08:54 PM

Hi there

 

The feeling like you deserve to be manipulated and treated like crap are not because you're a horrible person, because you are not one!!  Stems from low self esteem and past relationship patterns.  I truly think you could benefit from some talk therapy with a therapist.  Have you considered it?

 

Sheila





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