I'm 21 years old and I attend my local community college since 2010. I was recently diagnosed as depressed by one of the school therapist's that I recently went back to seeing. Here's a little background: I've struggled with depressive moods off and on since I was 13, but was never officially diagnosed. I've always struggled with remaining friends with girls my age (not the case with guys). I've always felt different from everyone else and that no one understands me. Even now. I have friends but I always feel like I'm the puzzle piece that doesn't fit in.
Relationships with men have always been a little bit rocky or unstable. One of my previous boyfriends was depressive, suicidal, and manipulative. I'm currently in a 'relationship' of sorts. We were committed but then I began to succumb to the depression: arguments constantly, the constant need to be validated about his affection for me, the doubts, and the negative thoughts became too much. It lead to a huge blowout where I said some hurtful things and it lead him to distance himself from me.
Then, I got my diagnosis. Which was about 5 days ago. I told him about the diagnosis after much hesitation. At first he didn't seem to know how to respond. So I backed off. But yesterday, he told me he wants to make sure he's there for me and wants help me through this. Seeing as though everything happened when we were on a relationship break, we aren't sure what to label things. We decided to forgo labels at the moment and just do what feels right: whether it's friends or being together.
Even though, he's supportive, I still feel like I don't deserve him at all. I feel like I deserved to be manipulated and treated like crap because I feel like I'm a horrible person
What do I do? I love him and he seems to truly care for me (he hasn't said the L word yet).
I'm so confused, frustrated, and scared that I might have damaged our relationship beyond repair even though I apologized for everything.