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Fake happiness is ruining everything...


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#1 cavy_gurl

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Posted 30 August 2012 - 02:40 PM

Im so utterly sad right now I feel like I have manipulated and ruined a friendship all because of my happiness levels.

I tend to fake happiness and have found that I do it exceedingly well. I'm outgoing, playful, I laugh, joke and get excited and act like a big kid. But inside I'm on the verge of tears. I'm so close to breaking down that I don't even want a chink of that happiness to be see through.

I made a friend and I really liked him. But it's all turned into a mess and it's because I can never be serious with him. He won't talk to me now. And you know what I'll do? I'll let him go... Because that's what I do best. It's better this way I guess anyway. He'll be better off without me. Who needs a girl who's fake? Who bothers to even get to know the real me? Im in so much physical and emotional pain and no one gives a damn. I have no friends. I have people who believe they are friends with me but have no idea who I really am. They either give up, are happy being around someone who's always excited and fun or I push them away if they get too close by staying stupid things and doing stuff they would never approve of.

I wish this would all end.

#2 AprilRaine

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Posted 03 September 2012 - 11:22 PM

Hi Cavy,

I can really relate to what you're saying, because I do the same thing. Anytime I go out or socialize I always behave in a happy and upbeat way, even though it's not for real. I especially don't want my Parents to know because they're very elderly, and it would upset and worry them too much if they knew. However, I'm married to a good guy who knows my issues and is very supportive. I don't really have any friends either. My home is my refuge. I hate going out, but I sometimes push myself so I don't become a total recluse.

I'm sorry that you lost your friend. I can't offer you any advice, but I just wanted to let you know that I understand your feelings. How are you doing now?

#3 Marvin42

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Posted 06 September 2012 - 12:51 AM

Hi Cavy,
I fake confidence, and pretend to be happy. The confidence is to enable me to work: when I start a job I know that I will able to do it, but can't believe that I will. I think most people pretend happiness. One thing I taught one of my kids who was going through a difficult time was this: smile at people and they may well smile back; pretend to be happy and they will respond, and that will improve your day as well. I was pleased when he fed the same wisdom back to me some time later. Don't feel guilty about faking, we all do it and it works.

Excess happiness though - I avoid that. It terrifies me because I know that if I let my mood get too high there will be a downswing into the depths of depression, and I am also aware that when I am really high I am probably making a complete ass of myself. Try and keep a lid on the real highs and maybe you can avoid the real lows. We aren't all the same, but that's what works for me.

I like animals too, especially my hairy rescue dog, and singing, I used to sing barbershop but left around the time of my breakdown and couldn't go back. I sing folk to myself and to my wife when we are travelling, and recite monologues to anyone who will listen.

Hugs,
Marvin

#4 cavy_gurl

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Posted 11 September 2012 - 02:59 PM

Thank you so much. Your words mean alot. ((Hugs))

Its more complicated now, however I hope to really overcome my depressive "happiness" and just be me. He is talking to me again but when he gets too close to my walls and barriers, I get mad and push him away.

I feel I confuse him alot. I do not mean to... I honestly would love a real genuine friend for once in my life. Someone who bothers to know me. Someone who will just stick by me, but I hold back so much. My depression is worse then ever. I honestly don't know how I am going to cope with the upcoming months and I refuse to bring him into my chaos.

I feel I need to let the friendship/relationship go - for his own good. I can deal with things on my own.... he isn't ready to deal with someone as messed up as me for a friend.