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What we have here is a Failure to Communicate.

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#1 Apple Blossom

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Posted 24 August 2012 - 03:14 PM

Ok, so after writing and deleting about 6 posts relating to this new dynamic in my life, I think I've figured out part of my problem. Let me preface this by saying that I've been wrecking my brain with this, and what follows is what's spilled out of the debris.

This summer, I 'met' a guy. By met, I really mean I'd added him as a friend on Facebook 2 years ago, and he requested that we meet for an anime convention. So, we did, and upon initiating a text message conversation the day after our first face-to-face meeting, agreed to hang out more. He lived about an hour away, so this was do-able. I'll say that he is an amazing guy, very understanding and sweet, ridiculously smart and rather handsome. I'm not an easy person to 'get', I have strange quirks and am not that attractive myself, and am very inexperienced with relationships that aren't in my head with total strangers. He's accepted me for me, which is refreshing to say the least, and enjoys my company very much. He dresses amazingly well (I finally found a Victorian Gothic Gentleman), and has agreed to be the model for some of my men's patterns I've been waiting to use. Our ideals and beliefs are on the same relative plane, so that's a plus, too. Bonus points for liking the majority of my music, movies, books, etc. As for cons, he has no job, he dropped out of school (taking a break, he called it), no car (not even a license), a general lack of ambition and a grasp on reality that I find a bit frightening in it's impracticality. He acts like I did when I was roundabout 15 or 16, but he's 21. I still fancy the things he likes, but I've moved on, and don't make it a point to make roleplaying or anime or video games my life.

It seemed the more we hung out, the closer we became, but having been involved with a few bad relationships in the past, I was certainly not making a big deal out of anything. He was. I told him he wasn't allowed to make any concrete opinions or judgements until the end of summer, because not even 24 hours after meeting me he was very intense and telling me how amazing I was or how he thought I was the greatest thing ever, despite the fact that we were aiming for being friends. I also mentioned how uncomfortable I get when people compliment me, and asked him kindly not to do it, to which he responds by showering me with compliments often, no matter how much I cringe or tell him to stop. Needless to say, he confessed that he liked me, and tried to fish my confession out as well, which I reluctantly gave. The next time we met, I offered to discuss the matter, and we did. I was sort of hoping that we'd get all of the 'feelings' out on the table, and then carefully decide where to go from there, considering I was leaving for school in the very near future. It seems that, though these were my intentions, I ended up becoming his girlfriend anyways. I asked him to not be too clingy (in a nice way, as I value my personal space, and usually don't take well to public displays of affection), said something specifically about Facebook statuses or not rushing into things, and said that the best I could do with this is try. A few days later, if that, there's a whopping 'In a Relationship' <3 post on his wall, and every time we hung out after the fact, he always had his arm around me, or kissing/ hugging me, and displaying various forms of possession. He almost tripped one of my friends in an attempt to get to my side first and snake his arm about my shoulder during one outing. When we're talking in close proximity, he'll interrupt me every now and then to kiss me, and the first few times he did this, or when he has something important to say about 'us', he'll grab my face and make me look at him and kiss me, which was also a little unnerving. I tried telling him not to talk about the relationship. It's established for the most part, so why keep mentioning it? It makes me uncomfortable to talk about 'boyfriend-girlfriend stuff' but even with this plea, he still took every opportunity he could to remind me of it, and discuss our 'like' for each other (I forbade him from using the word 'love', as I believe you need a good deal of time and knowledge of the other person to use it.) There were no 'dates', but he kept telling people and me, that we were dating, and showed me off to his friends, an act that made me terribly nervous as I hate the spotlight. I also told him this, not to put me in such a position, and he just laughed and poked my nose, telling me I was cute. His friends were rooting him on, and would ask me if he'd said anything, or after he did, ask why I wasn't with him yet, or expect me to be clingy in his presence. I may mention here that I'd known him for about 2 months, if that, before he confessed to me. 3 or 4 days after confessing, I became his girlfriend, and 1 and a half weeks, right before I left, he gave me a little token necklace, plastic but still a necklace. He's moving way too fast for my liking, and though he said he's never do anything to make me uncomfortable, this is causing my anxiety to go into overdrive.

Now I've just moved back up to my new apartment at school, which, after a tumultuous year living with a friend who turned really nasty on me, I'm both excited and scared of. The previous friend I knew for a very short amount of time before deciding to live with her, and the friend I'm living with now I've known since my second semester of college. She's so great, and has promised me she would never turn into my last roommate, and is very good dealing with my demons when they surface. To not veer completely off of the subject, I have what I and my friends have termed a 'Numbers List', which is basically a list of people I find aesthetically pleasing, men mostly, that I see around campus and appreciate. I do occasional research on them, and find out their tastes in music, hobbies and the like. Considering this is the sort of thing I want to make a career of and it doesn't endanger anyone, or overstep any boundaries, it's a perfectly acceptable hobby. It also calms my nerves sometimes, if I can recognize a face in the crowd, I feel slightly more at ease. This was my biggest fear, that I'd have to throw the system out upon obtaining a boyfriend. Some of the men on my list I've played out scenarios in my head, and would like to get to know them, whether or not it results in a relationship of any kind. I saw the most promising Number last night at his concert, and I thought 'this will be the year I talk to them (my numbers), the time to break out of my shell, but....' I've never been in a long distance romantic relationship, but I feel as though I have a ball and chain now, like my freedom's been stripped from me. He feels bad I'm gone, but has all the time in the world to talk to me or look up what I'm doing, and plan trips with no job, and his promises of coming to visit me often makes me even more nervous. If he takes the train or has his friends drive him the 5 hours to me, he's going to want more than a hug and a kiss for his efforts, and sex is the last thing on my mind now, as I'm even less experienced in that department than say, operating a bulldozer. He claims he'll respect my boundaries, but considering he hasn't so far with the possession thing, I can't count on that.

I don't know precisely what I'm trying to gain or forfeit by posting this. I just need to lay my points out so I can read them. I've talked to everyone I know, and they're all telling me I'm not doing anything wrong by continuing my ways, but I feel awful. I agreed to go along with this relationship because I do like him, he's fantastic, but I'm finding myself regretting my decision. I would like to be with him, sure, but I feel like I need more time just being his friend and getting to know him, and I should've postponed the relationship thing until I get my own act together. I feel like, because I've been single for most of my life, this new-found loss of freedom is really tough to deal with. I won't be back home for another year, at least, and then I'll be on the fast track to graduating the semester after. I don't want to string him along and consider him a significant other (or tie up other potentials) if I'll hardly ever see him. Besides, most of the successful long-distance relationships I know of have been established for a long time before a separation occurs, so there's that against us as well. I feel like our views of the relationship are mismatched, and right now I really want to break this off before he gets too serious with it, but I know he'll be upset. I hate making other people upset, and I can't stand conflict. I see this ending badly, and it's bothering me so much right now. I need to get a grip before classes start! I apologize for whining and rambling (whambling?), but I need to understand what my options are, and what I'm up against in the future. Any advice would be immensely appreciated as the unbiased third party. I've no idea what to do now.

Thanks a ton :bighug:
Apple Blossom

#2 foggyfrogeater

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Posted 26 August 2012 - 07:31 AM

:hm: hon, I can send hugs and positived vibes in your direction but i don't think I can be much help on this one. I've just come out of a eleven year relationship and although I have a few lonely moments I'm enjoying being alone so much I've decided to stay this way for along time. I went with the flow and never spoke up properly when I had doubts about the relationship untill I woke up married and missarable.

It sounds as though you have quite a lot of doubts yourself about this guy and certainly if you're feeling pressure to have sex because of your perceived expectaion that if he travels to see you that far then he'll expect more than a kiss. That alone would give me pause for thought. I'll give you my two cents but remember I'm messed up too so take it with a pinch of salt.

I belive you would benifit from talking to a therapist about this relationship, your feelings about loss of fredom, your feelings of reluctance to end a relationship. i think that only once you have your own thoughts sorted out can you go and talk to this chap about what it is thats bothering you. I also think you might like to look over the Assertive Bill Of Rights that is pined in the abuse folder under http://www.beatingth...showtopic=21202 , wait not that I think you're being abused but the post that lets you know about all those little things that many take for granted but those of us with depression offten forget.

I hope you feel better soon

xx Foggy

#3 Ed the chow hound

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Posted 28 August 2012 - 11:27 PM

Apple Blosom,

Lots of supportive hugs and warm fuzzy feeling to you. Relationships were never my strong point, I found some one I could get along with and married her 38 years ago, by and large it has worked out well but I dont understand people very well.

Love yaEd the chow hound

#4 cavy_gurl

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Posted 16 September 2012 - 01:17 PM

Hugs apple blossom :)
I can relate to your situation... I really can sense that he is not respecting your boundaries. If he cannot respect and take your personal opinions seriously in regards to affection and realize your not ready for it, it sounds like he may have control issues. The need to control you as a person in his life.

You are not a possession, you are an individual and you may need to let him know to slow things down. You also need to ensure he knows that you are not ready within your own mind set to launch into an emotional relationship let alone a physical one. It may be hard, I find writing a letter or email works better then saying things.

You can re write or delete phrases and word things just so. In addition he is 5 hours away so he may even appreciate that you are thinking about him.

You also need to assess do you honestly want to continue the relationship? Whilst you may be ready or beginning to gain more confidence to see people or go on casual dates, are you ready for a bf/gf relationship? Sometimes it takes dating for quite sometime before you feel ready. It seems like he took that step for you without your input.

I wish you lots of love and luck!! Keep us updated xx