I had a difficult conversation with my fiancé tonight. We live for the moment on opposite sides of the world, and he has been going through a pretty rough patch for a while. Over the last few months, I've been so proud of both of us for the way we have stuck together and supported each other through circumstances that could have torn our relationship down, but instead we pulled closer and committed more deeply than ever and somehow the hardships and uncertainties caused our relationship to become stronger and more serene. I guess we realised we wouldn't make it through if we didn't give everything we had, so we did.
It's hard being long-distance. I wake up in the mornings and get on the computer to talk to him in his evening. I find it a bit hard to start my day after that for some reason, I guess the conversations we have are general and wide-ranging and relaxed and bantering, and then I find it hard to get my head back into the quiet focused state that I need to get on with the things I'm working on. I'm trying to work towards a freelance writing career; I used to be a good writer and had a couple of articles published on my first try sending them to the main newspaper in my city, when I was in my early twenties. They asked me to write more but I was depressed at the time, and tossed it in as I had other priorities to care about, and I never came back to writing. Never really had any career. Now I'm getting close to 40 and I want to try again. I'm rusty on putting the words together and have written so many scribbles and notes but not yet one finished 'piece'. And I struggle with my confidence. But I can't believe that I could have lost my ability so completely and I'm willing to persevere.
I miss my fiancé terribly and don't know how long it will be till we can have the visa we need for me to go back to live with him and be married. Based on estimates, it will probably be around a year all up that we'll have been apart, by the time I get back there. It has been six months now. It's so hard because all we can do is sit and look at each other on the screen and talk. Sometimes you say things you wish you hadn't because you were just trying to interact and talking was the only way how. I said some poorly chosen and insensitive things last night and caused him to feel very demoralised. We kind of argued. I've been kicking myself ever since for being so thoughtless and uncontrolled. I have been neglecting myself and my routine a bit and it makes me fuzzy and less careful and sensible in the things that I say. I should really stay off skype and look after my own health and balance a little more, but I keep missing him and calling him and then finding myself taken aback when I put my foot in it or in some other way mishandle the conversation.
He used to come here and read some of my posts. I don't expect he will see this necessarily, he doesn't look in very often. But if he does I guess he will see how I feel and that I'm sorry... and that I love him - not that he needs to read it here to know, lol. I wanted to email him or call him but I just felt that the more I try to talk about it with him the more confusion I make out of what's essentially nothing... and I should take some time to try to clear my head. So I'm letting my feelings out here instead. Sometimes you get so caught up in someone else, so caught up in trying to care about them and endear yourself to them and to have their love, that you forget to keep in touch with your own self, and then it all starts going a bit haywire. Can anyone relate?
Edited by listener, 08 June 2012 - 12:32 PM.