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Friendships lacking


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#1 drgnfly

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Posted 02 May 2012 - 05:12 PM

I am in this funk because I really wish I had some RL friends. I do have a friend that I confide in at work but we don't get together when not here. My sister in law is also great but she lives pretty far away and she is super busy with college classes. I don't think I'm tough to get along with; I'm always thoughtful and think about other's feelings. I wonder if I'm too nerdy or if I get on other people's nerves? I used to be really quiet but now that I have to work with the public I think I've gotten a little obnoxious. I was told I am loud once and it really hurt my feelings. I've never imagined that I could come across that way. It's tough, I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I've never had many friends, my best friend from high school lives on the other side of the country. We e-mail some but that's all we can do. I would give anything to have a group of girls I could go out with occasionally. Could just call to go with me shopping or go for coffee sometime. I feel awkward around people I don't know well; that makes it tough too.
I have my family and they are great but I'm still lonely.

#2 Hangingon

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Posted 02 May 2012 - 11:19 PM

((((Drgnfly))))

Is there any reason why you and the work friend don't get together after office hours?

I too feel awkward around people I don't know well, including my inlaws who live right downstairs!!! We took tem to lunch on the weekend and when I excused myself to use the washroom, my mother in law started in on Susan about how I dislike them and never talk....... Quite frankly I have discovered I SUCK at small talk. I just can't seem to get much of a handle on it and I have a lower tolerance for people and thus get annoyed easily.

Any book clubs or anything in the area that interests you that you could join to meet new people? Any areas of volunteer work that might interest you?

Sometimes we just end up approaching the wrong types of people over and over, dooming ourselves to failure with it. It's taken me forever, but I have managed to find a couple of people IRL to occassionally get together with, so don't give up!!!

Keep talking.....

Love

Sheila

#3 drgnfly

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Posted 03 May 2012 - 04:20 PM

Thank you Sheila :) My friend here at work is into Archery and is pretty much involved in it constantly. (She's ranked the #1 female archer in the state!)
I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels awkward around people. I think a lot of it for me stems from being teased a lot in school. It's hard to put myself out there because I feel dorky whenever I say something. Ugh, in laws! I'm pretty lucky in that sense, but it's not the same as having close girl friends. Is there any way Susan could let them know that you are shy or something so they won't feel that way? I tend to get annoyed too which doesn't make things easier.

I've looked at book clubs around here, there's not really a lot of things like that available that aren't on weekdays. i really wanted to take a couple of art classes at the local community college but again, they are during work days. Volunteering is a great idea, I'm going to look into it!

I'm glad you've found some friends that you can get together with. I bet it really makes a difference.

Lots of love!
Sabrina

#4 listener

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Posted 04 May 2012 - 04:36 AM

Hey Sabrina. :)

I can imagine it must be pretty hard even just finding the time to make friends, if you've got a full time job and kids to look after. Do you meet other women in the course of doing stuff with the children though? Like when you take them to school events or activities?

I had horrendous problems with being shy and socially uncomfortable all my life, thanks to insecurity and just not knowing what to do - but I've started to find it a lot easier over the last decade or so... Sometimes I think circumstances make a big difference as much as anything else! When you're around people who are like-minded and who understand you, it can be so easy to be outgoing and confident and have all kinds of things to say. When you're with people who don't 'get' you, you feel uncomfortable and unsure of yourself - which I suppose is natural, it's a bit like being in an unfamiliar culture. I find that it can be hard to come by people who really 'click' with me. And sometimes I've found myself spending a lot of time around people who I saw often and liked well enough, but never could get really close to due to just being different types.

One thing I do to make friends - which may be good or bad I'm not sure! - is that when I meet someone I really like and want to get to know better, I try to find ways in which I can do something nice for them, help them in some way, and... well, it's not a bad thing actually, I don't do it with any sort of manipulative or sneaky intentions! I look for ways that I can get involved in their life in a positive way and by doing so it shows them that I am interested in them and would like to be around them more, and... it almost always results in a friendship. Over the years many of my friends/acquaintances started to have babies and since I had a lot of free time, I would go and visit and just hang out with them and help with little things - they loved having another adult to hang out with and a bit of freedom to go and hang out the laundry or cook something or whatever while I kept an eye on the baby. There was a girl I knew only slightly but whom I liked, who had just bought an old dilapidated house, and when she said she was going to work on fixing/sprucing the place up herself, I offered to help. So I went over and helped her scrub the walls and paint, and we bonded over that - I enjoyed it and she couldn't thank me enough, and after that we always stayed in touch and got together for walks and hot chocolate and so forth. It was nice that we could get to know each other while working on something together because at first we didn't really know that much about each other's interests and attitudes and so on, and having something we were both focusing on and doing together, took all the pressure off the conversation and allowed it to develop in an easy, natural way.

I don't know if you have time to do that kind of thing, for me it was fun because I was free and not working... But I do find that when I look for opportunities to help someone out, even in small ways, it rarely fails to set up the basis of a friendship.

Could there be a way that maybe you could set up an art group yourself - in the evenings or on days that suit you? I know a lot of community centres offer space for community groups that would like to run different activities. Where I live, the community centres have classes that they run in all kinds of things - arts and crafts, woodworking, music, bookkeeping, whatever - but they also have self-directed groups, like there might be a 'knitting circle' where a bunch of people just come and get together and all knit together, they each pay $2, not sure whether that's for room hire or to buy tea and cookies, and they hang out and chat and teach each other stuff. I believe libraries sometimes offer rooms for that kind of thing too. It would be a little bit of an effort to set it all up but it might be great fun...

Anyway, that's just some ideas I had. Sometimes I think it is just a matter of getting out there, finding a way to meet people that interest you, and then taking the little steps one by one to establish contact and to let them know you'd like to be friends. I find that so often the people that you find interesting, are the people that feel the same way about you.

And I can't imagine you being nerdy or unpleasant to be around, lol! Everything I've seen of you has been lovely. :biggrin:

:bighug:

Listener

Edited by listener, 04 May 2012 - 04:47 AM.


#5 listener

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Posted 04 May 2012 - 11:52 AM

p.s. why don't you skype/videochat with your best friend that's on the other side of the country?

Edited by listener, 04 May 2012 - 11:53 AM.


#6 KylieJane

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Posted 20 May 2012 - 11:00 PM

I can feel your pain. I used to watch SATC & thought I'd never had a group of female friends like that.
Most of the friends I had when I moved here have either moved away or got married.
I think aerobics or yoga & night classes are a good way to meet people. Sometimes that works.