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#1 Silently

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Posted 15 August 2011 - 08:00 PM

I just can't seem to stop drinking.

In college I would drink sometimes on weekends at parties and such, but for the last 2 years I was basically a daily pothead. Smoking maybe a gram a day.

I quit smoking pot about a year ago, and lately I've replaced it with alcohol.

On weekdays I come home from work and usually go through a bottle of wine a night. Sometimes I'll have some beer, a four loko or a mike's hard lemonade, rarely liquor.

On weekends I binge drink, starting friday night, and all the way thru to sunday.

I don't ever get hangovers, I wish I did cus it would discourage me from drinking so much...

I just don't really know how to put the bottle down. I always crave that buzz. When I'm at work all I think about is getting home and relaxing with alcohol. I'm concerned for my liver... it's kind of enlarged and it hurts a bit, dull pain sometimes. I'm afraid to go to the doc... she'll def tell me to stop drinking, especially since I take so many medications (paxil, remeron, xanax).

I'd cut down but its all I look forward to these days... :\

idk what to do.

#2 listener

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Posted 16 August 2011 - 11:39 AM

:bighug:

Chelsea, I just wanted to send you some hugs.

I read your re-introduction post a while ago but I wanted to go back and find your old posts so I could know a bit of your history before trying to respond... It might be a while before I do that though, so in the meantime I figured I'd just pop in and ramble a little, and let you know I'd been here and am thinking of you. :smile:

From the things you said in your other post, I can't help admiring your strength and your willpower, to have finished your arts degree, found a job and committed to it despite the difficulties you have, and that you're continuing to work towards finding better and healthier ways to live, as you go along this winding journey to healing... You sound like a wonderful young lady. I can really understand how the pain and grief that you've suffered in your life could have put you in a vulnerable place where alcohol and other things could become dependencies... But I can hear a real determination in your words, that you aren't going to let your life be taken over by these things. So I feel pretty sure that you'll get there. It's just a matter of finding the way, isn't it?

For me, being unhappy always seems like the starting point for all the dominoes that take me down negative paths - whether it's sleeping too much, getting in bad moods, getting depressed, being addicted to substances, behaviours, whatever less-than-ideal things that I might find to eat or do or spend time around... I figure it's a bit like plants. When they're watered well and they have all the right nutrients, the right amounts of heat and light, they tend to thrive, and to resist disease. When they don't have all the things they need to be healthy, everything gets to them. You can spray them all you like with insecticides and special potions to stop the diseases and so on, but that's just trying to fix the symptoms and not the cause. You're drinking because it makes you feel good, like everyone else who drinks I guess. In the short term, it makes you feel relaxed, calm, you can forget your problems, and whatever else it does for you. And, as you said, what stops you cutting down is the fact that you don't have much else to look forward to. So that's pretty understandable that it would be hard!

When I read your earlier post, the first thing I wondered was, why is she doing this job that doesn't sound like something she actually enjoys? Do you enjoy the work you're doing? What did you study in your degree, and was that something that gave you fulfillment? I think it's very impressive that you are doing a job at all when you don't strictly even need to - I don't seem to have that kind of mettle myself! - but I wonder how much the stress of it contributes to your overall feelings of not having much to really feel good about. If you don't need the money to live, could there be some other kind of work or way of spending your time that might bring you deeper satisfaction, enrichment?

Anyway, that's just one idea that came to mind off the top of my head. There are probably many ways in which you could look over your current life and find ways to add activities or interests that can help build you up, body and soul, and which could give you more strength and self-confidence to be able to start tackling the difficult-to-break habits... For me, overcoming depression was/has been about going through every part of my life and trying to find ways to heal each part... Making each part something that I could be proud of, feel good about, work towards something meaningful and better than what I had had before. It didn't matter how bad things were or how lousy I was at them, once I knew that I was moving in the right direction and I had something to believe in and some dreams to hold on to. I knew that even if I just did one tiny snail's crawl towards them each day, or even every other day, I was still closer to something beautiful than if I didn't bother.

(((((((((((((( Chelsea ))))))))))))) I know you have lots of beautiful things inside you, hopes and dreams and talents and special qualities. The sadness and pain that you've experienced may make it hard to trust and express all those things as much as you would wish to, but it can never make them go away. In time those are the things that help you heal the pain and grieving and come to terms with it, and be a stronger person for all of the experiences you've had.

Now I just want to say, just in case I've said anything that was insensitive or unhelpful, please forgive me and please ignore those things! I've said a lot and of course I don't know all that much about your life and how things are for you. But I did just want to let you know that I'd been noticing your posts and feeling for you.

hugs and warm thoughts,

Listener.

Edited by listener, 16 August 2011 - 11:42 AM.


#3 Ed the chow hound

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Posted 16 August 2011 - 12:37 PM

Chelsea,

My partner drinks too much, she always has and I dont have any real advice but cut down as much as you can. Also get routine liver checks from time to time. Low alcohol drinks might help but its a hard row to hoe. Please keep posting and lean on us for support.

hugs

Ed the chow hound

Edited by Ed the chow hound, 16 August 2011 - 12:37 PM.


#4 Silently

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Posted 17 August 2011 - 05:21 AM

Thanks for thinking of me Listener. :)

My degree was in art (specifically painting) and art history. I used to enjoy drawing and painting a lot; it was something my dad got me into. When he passed away in 2007 my passion for it just kind of trailed off and I sank into depression that's only recently lifted thanks to being on high doses of 2 anti-depressants.

I work because if I didn't I would literally never leave my apartment and I'd have 0 interaction with anyone. And also, if I wasn't working and having things to do, I'd literally be drunk 24/7. The only reason I even exercise is to combat the alcohol calories.

If I had things to look forward to, like a boyfriend or close friends to hang out with I'd drink less I guess... and I'm not particularly unhappy. My medication basically makes it impossible for me to feel unhappy. I guess I drink because I just have nothing else to do.

I figured that working, especially in an office with close to 100 employees, I'd meet people and come out of my shell. But no real friendships or relationships have come out of it. At first I tried to make friends, but IDK, it just didn't happen. So now I just do my job and go home. It isn't usually stressful, it's a pretty basic job. So its not stress thats making me drink really.

I wish there was some healthier alternative... I quit smoking pot because it gave me a ton of anxiety; and I don't want to get into any other illegal drugs, that would just be unhealthy and addictive and stupid; and well, illegal. lol

I should get back into drawing and painting but the drive just isn't there.

I think I'm going to try and go like 3 days or so without drinking.... but man its gonna be boring.

:\

Edited by Silently, 17 August 2011 - 05:26 AM.