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I haven't been here for so long


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#1 ControlIsSlippingAway

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Posted 03 July 2011 - 10:43 PM

I used to be here years ago, then I sunk deep into it again and just stopped to go here. I eventually moved in with my (now ex) boyfriend and moved to a different city. That's when some big issues started. When I moved in with him he bought me a gym card and always tried to be over the tops encouraging about the gym, to the point where it was just rude. When I started to go back to my old anorexic self, kickstarting my sick mind with a low carb, low calorie diet consisting of boiled white fish and lettuce. Nothing else. I got through about 200 calories a day, and if I were to skip the gym a day, he qould question me, but when I questioned him not going to the gym, he would start a fight. Once I got so angry and asked him how he could think it was right for him to skip going to the gym and eat fatty junk daily while it was out of the book for me, he told me that it was "because you apparently need it!". Late last year I started to work at a restaurant around christmas. One of my workmates were really nice and protective of me from an early day and eventually it lead into he and I having a physical relationship. A month later I tried for the first time to break it off with him but he wouldn't have it. He refused to listen so I gave up and gave it two more weeks before trying again. over and over again we did this dancing around the core of the issue - him. In march we finalized our relationship and I felt amazing from day one. So I continued with my new friend, just being friends but still doing things.


This is when the ED part comes in again, whenever something would go wrong with him and me, I'd accidentally binge and purge. All of the sudden i'd cook dinner, but cook too much. Then I wouldn't be able to stop eating I could eat a 4-5 portions in a go, by pure accident and then just throw it all up. Or i'd find something sugary and just eat, eat, eat until I felt too sick to keep it in. Otherwise, my food habits are alright, average. I don't starve myself as much anymore, but I do get the kicks where I do or start to crave doing so. Like just a week ago, he told me he did not wanna continue with the physical aspect anymore. He just want to be friends with me (and judging by his actions, barely even that). My solution? Starve and purge for 3 hours, then get dolled up and go out, hit up his best friend and have marathon sex with him. I don't even feel bad about it. I'm hitting up his friend still, trying to hook up with him. I don't know why it feels so satisfying, but it does, but everytime I get rejected by either of them, it triggers me. What I want right now is to lose weight. I wanna lose 5 dress sizes until next month just to shock my friend. Just to get his care again. If he knows I'm fine, he won't spend as much time with me, but if he knows i'm in a bad spot, he'll be there, watching over me. Like a big brother. Only one that I have sex with.

#2 kewy13

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Posted 08 July 2011 - 10:55 PM

i remember you stella. its been a while for me too. lucky to have this place to turn to.
i know the feeling of sex being satisfying when you feel badly. i had a friend with benefits for a year or so (not a b.f.) and whenever i was down he would be who i called. endorphins are powerful, and sex is a fast and fun (at the moment) way to get them. and you have them paying physical attention to you, so it feels like some validation. yep. i totally understand that. and also, it is sometimes easier to be the one who does the breaking up. who has the 'control'. not saying that is what you feel, just saying that is how i feel.

my food issues have been just binging. not purging. i never had weight issues til i hit like 36 yrs old. then my bad habits hit me hard. and i really thought most of my food issues were related to the bad habits.

but our bodies crave things when we need energy, serotonin, etc. my nutritionist got me on some supplemets (b vit in mass quantity and something called inositol ) that curb i mean totally curb the sugar craving. i could sit and eat a half a cake (only stopping cos well, i didnt purge. i had no more room) when i was feeling so bad. now a cup of coffee w/carmel does it for me. even when i crave the sugar now, i take a bite of a candybar etc. and that is all i can take.

it sounds like you are pretty in tune with the ed tho, like you monitor it well. i hope you find some answers to the emotional part. i wish i had some info to offer there. but i still so struggle with that part.

love to you. much love.:c:

#3 ControlIsSlippingAway

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Posted 09 October 2011 - 02:40 AM

Thank you Kewy! I feel like I can handle my eating habits now. But my mind is completely elsewhere. Thank you for your support, much love!