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crawling the walls

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#1 Armygirl

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Posted 25 March 2011 - 01:51 AM

Little over three days left till I see the pdoc to get some of this shit figured out and get onboard with getting some therapy as well...still waiting in limbo for a little under two weeks to see whats gonna happen with work...

I'm not used to having this much time on my hands...at first I tried to use it productively...made the dr appt...spent time reflecting what I'm gonna tell the doc....it's been good in a way, as it's given me time to reflect and look back on my life the past few years and examine when I have done the best...which all roads there point to when I was proactive and compliant with treatment...this reflection has been deep and also showed me a pattern of being non-compliant...I don't know why I've jumped ship so many times....or maybe I do know...denial.....this time has also given me alot of guilt, in if I would have been more compliant then these repeat patterns every two years or so might not have happened, and got worse each time...if that makes sense..

when I talked to my old army buddy a few nights ago, she was telling me how good she had it with the VA, and I was like some of my problem is it's always so much of a fight to get the right help instead of being passed along as another number in the line...and she told me she overexagerrated alot of her different medical symptoms because she knew if she didn't then she wouldn't get help when she needed it...sounds alot like how I knew her...the girl could break a fingernail back then and get out of running for months..but her system has gotten her much farther with alot less headache over the years as my "I can handle it" attitude...or my frequent episodes of only working on issues when they got to be too much too handle...

I was talkin to my dad, who has been pushing me for over a year to go get help, about that the other night, and he flat out told me I was stupid for letting the system play me....I think he's really worried, which is a "new" feeling for me, of having some sort of family in my corner with mental health issues....he's even arranged his affairs with the VA so he can go with me on Monday, which I'm not comfortable with....so have devised a plan to stall and get there near the time of my appointment, and turn him loose to do his stuff since he has no real appointment time, where as I do, so I can have some privacy when I unleash this beast I'm dealing with...

I shouldn't be complaining since for the first time in my life I've got family on board with this struggle, dad's even offered to help me get re-established the next few months financially, "as long as you're taking steps to help yourself"...but it's really making things worse in a way, because I've been so strong for so long, and I really don't want the family knowing how bad things really are....tonight he was even pressing me of when I was gonna come over and get ready for monday, and seemed really content on me coming over saturday...which makes me really feel like, damn my mask is cracked that bad that he wants me to come over that soon for a monday appt.....

I dunno....


#2 Sunshineinmyface


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Posted 28 March 2011 - 02:41 AM


Just peel that mask off at the doctor's office and maybe with your Dad as well. The mask, as you know, is holding you back and keeping you from moving on with your life and having a life worth living. If you had been compliant would you be dealing with issues like this or issues at all? I cannot answer that, but I tend to think you are putting too much blame on yourself, as you have said the meds you got after the mood stabilizer was not working. Please please let some of the people, even at work see the cracks. I think they - well obviously they do - see the cracks and you cannot, I do not think mend it up yourself this time. You need help and BtB is part of that, but RL help is critical to you at this time. And please try and catch yourself and be kind to yourself when playing the "what-if" mind game because that is not going to get you anywhere at this point. You have given the what if sufficient reflection and now the issue, I think, should move on to be dealt with in a therapeutic relationship. Please do not beat yourself up for it. Please also do not beat yourself up for the mask cracking, because it is suppose to be cracking now....you have born the burden of the illness and your issues as much as you can and you need support.

So please also, vent out here...let us know what is going on...get those negative thoughts out of your head, as you are doing now. You are doing a fantastic job of it and keep it up dear heart.

Good luck with the psych appointment if you read this before you go and do not leave that pdoc office until you are satisfied with the med regiment and you get a referral for a therapist. Let it all hang out, explode, scatter the pain in that office so the pdoc will see just how serious and desperate your situation is.