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#1 natoking

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Posted 06 September 2010 - 09:41 PM

Sorry I have been absent for a while. Sometimes you forget to add some support to others when you are doing well. I have had a pretty good stretch for almost 6 months. I am grateful for that.

I got triggered last night and I feel really low today, like my face is in a permanent frown. I have been told that I am handsome, sociable and really nice but I can't seem to connect with people in a real deep way. I had been communicating with a woman for some time and have gone out a few times. She invited me up her way last night for a concert on the beach. Initially she was real nice. Her boyfriend died 6 months ago. Suddenly she ignored me and would talk to her friends with her back to me. I was humiliated and hurt. After the 4th time she told me to go down and see the band while she used the lady's room, I just got in my car and headed home. On the way, I stopped at a dive bar and drank too much. I received an email apology and explanation that she was still morning the loss of her boyfriend. She stated that she was embarrassed that her friends might think we were a couple. I can understand the mourning part but the embarrassment about being out with me was hard to stomach. After all, I have been supportive, I had given her time with no pressure. I am starting to think that I will forever be alone with no family or woman in my life. I have good friends but they are all far away.

I have only been on several dates this year and do most things alone. I just got back from a lonely boat ride to the local islands. I was anchored there around about a hundred of other boats that were full of people socializing and having fun. Here I am by myself. I force myself to go out, even if it is by myself. Sometimes I just wonder, what the heck is wrong with me? My mind started racing and I became really sad. I hope this is just a brief episode. I see the days getting shorter and my loneliness getting longer. I feel tearful. Let's hope I get it back together because I have just started to make breakthroughs with a new job and I am getting on my feet financially. I can't afford another setback.

Long story short, loneliness and relationships (or lack there of) really set me off. Meds have been working for a while but I think I have built a high tolerance to Klonipin.

At any rate, just feeling sad right now. Thanks for listening, my friends

#2 Sunshineinmyface

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Posted 10 September 2010 - 08:46 PM

I am very sorry to hear you are sad right now, after a pretty good summer it seemed (maybe I am wrong about that). Seeing others having fun in groups and not being a part of a group is a very hard social issue to deal with because it does seem to cut us to our core. Some people socialize at a very shallow level with a lot of spontaneity thrown in. I have maybe done that once or twice, but not the usual course for me. Remember that a LOT of people do socialize that way. That is a part of it. Another weight on this for you it seems to me if you are hearing a clock ticking and that is not the case at all.

I am glad you are on your feet financially - that is HUGE - Well done !!!!!!

We with depression seem to take things personally more than others and find it takes a while to "get to know" others to our satisfaction, often because we have been disappointed in others before.

Your meds working is HUGE too. Talk to your Dr about Klonipin, perhaps s/he will wean you off and put you on another anti-anxiety med, but if it is working that is key.

Hugs,

Sunshine

#3 drgnfly

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Posted 13 September 2010 - 08:43 PM

I'm sorry I'm just logging in and am reading your post.

I hate that you are feeling low. Your post was a couple of days ago, are you feeling any better today?

Rejection hurts, but I do notice one thing in your post. You are hurt that the woman you went to the concert with was embarrassed by you. I know it feels that way, but she said she didn't want her friends to think you were a couple. I read it as she was afraid they would judge her for dating so soon, not that she was worried they wouldn't approve of you personally. She would have acted the same no matter who she would have gone with. If she is feeling that way, maybe it is too soon for her to start dating. It's a shame that she didn't figure this out before she involved you, now you are suffering because of it.

Anyone who has talked to you on BtB can tell that you are a kind and thoughtful man. You tend to wear your heart on your sleeve. Plus you have a great smile.

I've been terrible about posting lately too. Don't feel bad about it, we all have been there. Life gets busy, I'm sure we all understand.

Let us know how it's going. I'm anxious to hear an update.

Take care,
Sabrina

#4 kewy13

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Posted 20 September 2010 - 12:38 AM

big hugs nato. hope things are improving. been doing well also but have some slides now and again. so far able to keep on top of it generally. big love and wishes for you to keep that beast at bay <3

#5 Ed the chow hound

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Posted 20 September 2010 - 02:14 AM

Hi Kewy,

Welcome back gal, I missed ya, whats been happening in your life?

hugs

Ed the chow hound

#6 natoking

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Posted 21 September 2010 - 11:42 PM

Hi everybody. You are all so kind. It's tough being without someone special for so long. I just felt lead on and teased. She had said provocative things which put me in a very hopeful state. I am over it but sick of rejection. I guess I am pretty picky. It's not only for my sake but if you are really not attracted to someone, you can hurt them too. I am feeling better and I am finding that I bounce back more quickly than I used to. I feel great when I am in a relationship but I get really rocked when they end. Anyhow, I am glad I posted. It's good to know that you are all out there. Good friends. Thank-you! Hope you are all doing better every day.

Bob

#7 Ed the chow hound

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Posted 22 September 2010 - 04:19 PM

Bob,

Try taking relationships less seriously, good things can happens when you least expect them. Take care.

hugs

Ed the chow hound

Edited by Ed the chow hound, 22 September 2010 - 04:22 PM.


#8 kewy13

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Posted 23 September 2010 - 02:10 AM

i totally get that nato. i have had a sort of 'friend with benefits' for about a year and a half.

*hope this isnt too graphic or detailed....*

but he was someone that i saw potential in. someone i felt i could really have fallen for, hard. so while we would make out, i would not take that step and actually have sex. i was worried i would get too attached. so we would only get together every so often and not go 'all the way'.

i have to say, it gave me a lot of relief!! he has some depression issues as well, and was totally understanding if i needed to pull back from him to help me emotionally. and i got to the point where it actually helped me in my dating life! i am less stressed with less physical/sexual, well, lets just say before, the desire for physical contact would cloud my idea of what i thought i felt about someone i was out with.

any way. i do understand the desire for someone to be there for you, that special someone, to love and spoil. i long for that and still cry for the lonely soul i have, but i can deal with it better now.

so maybe my point is that you should get laid now and then without the emotional attachment.

boopy slutty girl out..... :D

#9 natoking

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Posted 23 September 2010 - 11:21 PM

Kew - Nothing against getting laid every now and then! Still, that doesn't replace all the time in solitude. I guess I want to get laid all of the time and have a special person in my life (that's the person I would like to lay all of time. I guess it's better to aim high and miss than aim low and make it!

Ed,

You are so right. Have no expectations but always do your best. We should have aspirations and goals but our sense of accomplishment shouldn't be measured by our expectations, but by trying our best.