Posted 02 February 2010 - 02:18 PM
I saw my ex-ladyfriend who threw me for a loop this summer at a benefit party on Sunday. I took 2 Klonopin ahead of time because I was so anxious about bumping into her. Being a Bipolar and having severe addiction problems she was very drunk. Even though she had hung me out to dry, she managed to corner my female friends and give them a hard time (suspecting them of being with me). She was claiming that they were checking her out and talking about her. Very paranoid behavior. Very jealous behavior. Well, she confronted me and I told her that her friendship meant a lot to me and she should chill out. As the night progressed she began telling me how awesome I am (felt good). I was dancing with a really nice, pretty girl, Patty busted in and we danced the last 5 songs. It was fun and it reminded me of old times (good times) She was really drunk and I was on my way. Between dances she would speak with fond remembrances of us dancing the evenings away, by ourselves in her living room. The benefit party came to close at 8:00. She invited me back to her house. I accepted. She spoke with such adoring words to me. I told her that I have always cared for her and always will. After a brief dinner, we were both tired and tested. She invited me to bed. As we laid in each other's arms, I said, "remember how we used to fall asleep, holding hands?" She began weeping, as if it was something she held dear and missed. For hours, she clung to me, I didn't sleep a wink. I got up and left to relieve my poor pups at 3:00AM. I left a nice note and asked her to call.
I awoke in the morning with relief in knowing that she didn't hate me. I also realized that she, in her state was unable embrace the love. She never called. I called her but she was now distant. I again told her that her friendship was important to me and I would like to see her again, even if it is a brief visit or dinner. Her response was, "well, maybe". I was crushed. It was as if the previous day didn't exist. She was onto thinking about her procurement of one pound of hallucinogenic mushrooms later in the day. Enough for 40 people to trip their brains out!
So I am back in the old broken-hearted hole again. It is even worse this time because it seems that her addiction and mental health problems are worse than ever.
So, why do I care so much. Why do I let this consume me? This has really triggered me into big depression. I am totally unmedicated and have no money to see a doc or buy meds. WTF.
Do you folks think that this fragile heart of mine is related to me being bipolar 2? Perhaps I exhibit risky behavior with my heart as a form of mania. Who knows? I am in a real funk and the repetitive thoughts of myself in the past tense play over and over.
Thanks for listening. Gonna shower up and try to get through my part time job today.
Posted 02 February 2010 - 04:08 PM
While emotional fragility might be related to bipolar 2, it seems that some of us come readily equipped with an overabundance of emotional vulnerability. I have no insight nor advice, only my not-very-articulate best wishes and support, J-H
Posted 02 February 2010 - 06:27 PM
Your wishes are very articulate and appreciated. Many of my supportive friends who don't suffer from depression or bipolar disorder don't begin to understand why I would even risk vulnerability to such an ill, albeit wonderful woman. I have a real difficult time with loving detachment. I think that she is detaching from me, to spare me from her world of pain. I need to realize that I am powerless and that addiction can rob one's soul. I really need my Alanon meeting bad! At this benefit party, my friends were looking at her as being totally messed up and inappropriate. I knew she was but I was looking at the woman beneath mental illness and addiction. I first met Patty when she was sober. I know who she is, how she suffers and how wonderful she is.
A symptom of being bipolar is risky behavior. I just wonder if my love/lust for her is up this alley. You know, putting your heart into a no win situation. I stopped all meds about two weeks ago, so the timing of this isn't so great. I had to leave my much needed part-time job again today because of tearfulness. I need this job badly. I haven't slept much in the last 2 nights and I feel as though my head is gonna explode.
I do agree that many (most) of us here "come readily equipped with an overabundance of emotional vulnerability." I feel that it is a gift and a curse. I just don't know any other way to be. I don't know if I would want to be any other way.
So, thanks again J-H. I hope you're doing okay. We'll all get through this stuff together.
Posted 03 February 2010 - 06:40 AM
Sorry you're having an awful time. I think its your curse and you're blessing that you can see who this woman really is. Someone once stated that being in love could be interpreted as mental illness, so hey, your guess is as good as mine!! You are vunerable now and you know that.
Have you seen about getting your meds from these programs they have in the US?
By trusting people and seeing throgh the surface stuff I have made good friends, I have also been shit on from a great height very heavily, but like you I wouldnt change myself if I could. To mistrust everyone would lead to a very shallow lonely life based around gift shops, designer clothes and daytime television, I wouldnt like that.
Posted 03 February 2010 - 04:40 PM
You have a big heart. I don't know how much of that is related to being Bipolar II or if it is just a personality trait. Being Bipolar does tend to cause us to make riskier decisions, but again, it's hard to say if this is the reason you give your heart to the people you do. It speaks well of you that you can care for someone so much, even if they do treat you so poorly. It doesn't make you hurt any less when it goes wrong, I know. But it is a wonderful thing to be able to love and care for people as much as you do.
I'm so sorry she is treating you the way she is, but there is someone out there for you. Someone who will not give mixed messages and unstability. Someone who will appreciate your ability to love with such devotion.