[Laura]

Hi everyone.

Over Christmas, I had a couple of weeks of, I suppose, hypo/mania. Hardly sleeping at all, having way too much energy, feeling like I was doing everything in fast-forward, thinking I was the funniest person ever, regaling friends and strangers alike with tales of my plans to be the next great world-leader. I suppose the final, horrible point of that time was the night I got into a screaming argument with my friend because I thought he was "asking too many questions", before storming out, wandering around the streets trying to get rid of my restlessness, sitting on a wall and staring blankly ahead for some time, then pacing again and promptly bursting into tears.

After that, I didn't have enough energy.

Since New Year, I haven't really got going. I'm still not sleeping much, of course - that seems like one of the few constants with me -, but I'm spending hour after hour just lying around, trying to be calm and blank and empty because every time I let myself think, it all just piles on top of me and seems insurmountable.

I'm not doing very well at uni. I can't write anymore, I just stare at a blank screen and every idea I have gets cast away before it's fully-formed because I just know it's useless. I keep finding myself half-way to doing something about it, half-way to at least letting somebody know that everything is hideous, but of course, as ever I'm too terrified to actually do it. I keep thinking I should call the mental health advisor, at least just ask for some advice, but I'm scared of the phonecall itself - I don't know what they'll ask, and I can't handle phone conversations that I can't script in my head first - and I'm also kind of scared that they'll just laugh at me and tell me to go away. It's been so long since I actually spoke to anybody about this that thinking about mentioning it now feels like lying, like making excuses.

I don't have any friends at uni anymore. All my friends graduated last year and the people I live with now don't seem to want to know. And my poor attendance (can't get out of bed, can't get out of my room...too scared, too lazy, and every time I miss something, it makes the prospect of going to it the following week even more scary) means that people on my course are never more than acquaintances. I'm trying to keep up with my volunteering, and my job - although that hasn't started yet this term, there's loads of stuff going on over the next few weeks. It's not like any of the people involved in those things are particularly my friends, but I do feel better when I'm doing all that stuff; when I feel like I'm needed and I'm making a difference and I'm not being judged.

I'm finding it difficult to plan for the future, because I'm finding it difficult to believe I even really have a future. Even if I ignore the constant low-level hum of don't bother thinking months ahead, you'll have killed yourself by then, I don't really have any options. I have an application for teacher-training, it's mostly filled in, but I can't decide whether or not to finish it and send it off. There doesn't seem much point, when I feel like I'm going to fail my degree, and even if I do manage to get through that, my references will be terrible and I'm hardly a natural interviewee when I'm depressed, so I don't really stand a chance. But if I don't apply for that then I should be applying for something, I should be making plans. The truth is that even if I pass my degree, I'm probably going to end up living at home on JSA, going to job interviews and constantly being asked, "why was your attendance so poor? Why is your reference so bad? Why did you never go to anything? Why are your grades so pathetic?" then getting home and constantly being asked, "why aren't you getting a job? Why are you unemployable? Was university a complete waste of time? Why did you waste your chances?" And, well, that prospect is depressing in itself.

I'm sorry. I'm just complaining. It's the same old story, really. I'm the same old person. Some things never change.

[seasidearms]

It is so damn hard to see any positive possible outcome when you are feeling so low, that does not mean it's real though. You are going through a hard period and I think talking about it is a good idea. I always feel like since things can't get worse, they can only get better.

[Sunshineinmyface]

Good to reach out here Laura. Keep trying to reach out in real life too. People will take seriously how you are doing. Sounds like life is a very heavy struggle now for you. Keep posting about what is going on and letting us know how you are.

[Tantalus]

(((((Laura)))))

I really identified with the fear of making a phone call you can't script in your mind ahead of time. I was wondering if it would be possible for you to reach out to the mental health adviser through email instead of making an actual phone call. Sometimes I find emails to be the easiest way to at least initiate communication, it enables me to get a handle on the situation and who I am dealing with. I believe reaching out to them and at least asking advice is a good plan, I hope you can do it one way or another. I really believe it will help.

Take care of yourself.

[glassslipper]

Laura, read through what you have typed, if it were someone else what would you tell them to do?

Dont worry about the next few months, you only need to think of today, you need to see a mental health adviser and sending them an email sounds like a good idea, you can take your time to compose that. You're not stupid, you're not wasting anyones time, you need help, you have the facilities, use them. Once you sort out today then you can think of tommorow. Finish your application form ask someone for help. If the voluntary work helps then go and do it. You can judge who will be good to ask, what about an adviser at uni?

I am sorry I can only offer words, but just try to think about the next 10 minutes, not the next few months, thats way too much to consider for most of us. I am having a hard time and if i think about tom. I cant cope, just try the next 10 minutes.

As far as uni goes, you have time to sort that out and get things back on track, my uncle was still going to uni when he was 39 cos he was too afraid to join the real world. Make contact with someone who can help, cos you need it. If need be, deep breath and blurt!

[Dedalus77]

((((((((((Laura)))))))))))

So sorry to hear you are having such a rough start to the year. I can only offer you cyber hugs and my deepest understanding and compassion. Keep posting, we are here and we are listening.

[Laura]

Thanks everybody.

I emailed the university's mental health advisor, and I have an appointment with her next week. I'm trying not to think about it, because every time I do, I start to panic - I don't know what to say or how to say it, and even if I did know, I don't know if I could. But I've made the appointment now, so I have to go, and if I find that I can't communicate properly then at least I've tried, even if nothing comes of it.

I'm having trouble with time. Everything's moving so quickly. I can't believe it's February already, a whole month of the year has passed and I've done absolutely nothing. I still have last term's timetable on my wall, I can't bring myself to change it. I'm so tired - I think, I'll just have a rest, gather my strength, and then suddenly it's a week later and I have even more to do.

I just feel like I'm messing everything up again, and I hate myself so much for it.

[J-H]

{{{{{LAURA}}}}}, I send you my very best wishes for a better day and a far better tomorrow.

[glassslipper]

Hi Laura

Well done on making the app. You dont have to think of anything to say, its her job to help you and get you to talk, you aint revising for an exam or have to quote Shakespeare word for word, so dont think about it.

Get some rest and try to do something not taxing on the brain, like watching junk TV.

The nature of depression makes us all think we are wasting peoples time and messing up, thats the nature of the beast, but it aint necessarily so!! We all need support when we are low, we are social animals and its good that we can ask for help and even better when it does help.

Well done.

Maria

[Ed the chow hound]

Hi Laura,

Sorry that you are feeling depressed, please keep posting and stay in touch with your BTB cyber family so we can send you emotional support. I have days when I dont feel motivated to even get out of bed until 10 a.m. and everything takes twice as long as it should to do and needs three times the effort it should.

love ya

Ed the chow hound

This post has been edited by Ed the chow hound: 04 February 2010 - 06:08 PM

[RWigram]

Sorry about the crappy start, Laura. As glassslipper said, take it one day, hour, minute, second at a time.

[Sunshineinmyface]

Laura I am so glad you made the appointment. I know it is hard to talk about depression, but you are doing a pretty good job in your posts so if you can say some of what you have said here I think that will be a good start. Please try not to look ahead so far and just deal with the here and now.

hugs to you dear

[drgnfly]

(((((Laura)))))

[Laura]

I went to my appointment.

It was really, really difficult. I couldn't speak much. I tried, but...I'm out of the habit, I suppose. I kept feeling like I was going to burst into tears.

She was really nice.

Her advice was pretty much, "go to the doctor". But the thought of doing that makes me feel like I'm going to throw up. I know that, if I don't go, everything will be horrible. But I know that if I do go, everything will almost certainly still be horrible. So I'd rather just save myself the hassle.

So I suppose that's it.

I know I'm an idiot, but I literally don't have the strength to get help again.

[RWigram]

know I'm an idiot, but I literally don't have the strength to get help again.
Nah, you can do it. No matter how long it takes.

[glassslipper]

Laura

Please go to the doctor. Its a big effort but if he can give you the support you need it will be worth it. It sounds like you are scared of the emotion involved in going, but please dont be, its more n likely worn you out with this first appointment, you've got stressed, played it out in your head time and again, imagined so many scenarios, good, bad and bloody awful. But she's given you sound advice, she hasnt been horrid or condemned you. If I lived near you I would go with you, I really would. You're not an idiot, everything is complicated and scarey. I know how that feels. Dont think of it as 'help again', you are continuing what you set out to do.

If need be ask her to make the appointment for you and maybe just maybe she can see immediately before you go, just to give you a little gee up?

Make the appointment, please,

Maria x

This post has been edited by glassslipper: 15 February 2010 - 07:25 PM