Posted 30 December 2009 - 12:11 AM
I had a great Christmas. I was really determined to enjoy myself and not be alone this year. As many of you know, it went great for me. I recently had a med change and have been feeling a lot more grounded but more aggressive and emotional. I think it is all a good thing.
So, I risked a lot and worked so hard to make Christmas a success but now I am feeling a let down and I feel depressed about the prospects of spending another New Year's Eve by myself. How dare they put 2 big holidays 1 week apart.
I guess I have to realize that there are ups and downs in daily life but I would really like some sustained happiness for a time. A lot of people (including myself) really went out of their way to be kind and cordial during Christmas. I was thinking that it was a change in my attitude, now I am just unsure. I always try to be very kind. Why can't we all be nice all year long!
A couple of people tried to contact me over Christmas that I really didn't want to talk to. I didn't take their calls. I do forgive these people for what they have done to me but I don't want them in my life anymore. They know this. I just get bent out of shape whenever they call me. Sometimes for weeks.
I was set off 2 days ago. I volunteer for a town breakfast committee that honors Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. We have about 250 guests and all proceeds go to a soup kitchen and fuel assistance for the elderly. With my printing and design experience, I have been doing the flyers, place mats, programs, etc. One woman on the committee is hell bent on raising funds for the high school chorale group to go to Italy to sing. She wants posters at the breakfast and collection boxes. This woman is the head representative of our town clergy. I very diplomatically wrote to her and explained that I didn't think that the MLK Jr. Breakfast was an appropriate forum for raising money for middle to upper class white suburban kids to go to Europe during their spring break. Especially when it would be taking from contributions that would go to the hungry and cold. She wrote back calling me stupid and ignorant. She told me that it was a shame that over time, people like me have lost the true meaning of Dr. King's message. Mind you, this is a Minister we are talking about here! Now you know why I don't go to Church! Proudly, I responded firmly but with polite restraint. I told her that I was neither dumb or ignorant and even if I was, she should respect my opinion. I feel like I can't win. I try to do nice things and get trampled by self serving people.
So, I was set off. Since then I have been feeling down, unappreciated and very lonely. The Christmas high is over and I just need to get through this silly New Year's Eve thing. While I am not much of a partier or a socialite, I hate being alone all of the time. Loneliness is a big trigger for me.
A couple of days here that have been less than par. I should be so blessed. I just don't feel that blessed right now. My biggest fear is that I will back slide. We'll see. Thanks all and Happy New Year! Bob
Posted 30 December 2009 - 03:27 AM
I am truely sorry this silly woman is being such a rude person about the breakfast. Collecting for spring break is a luxury that should not be present at the event as you say. To each their own, many feel "entitled" to certain things, so maybe that is the case with this woman.
I am so sorry to hear that your mood has gone down again. I too find it so hard to not be afraid I will fall back in the hole again, once I wrenched myself out of it. The up and down of moods is difficult to adjust to when we have to learn to tolerate the severe down of depression that does not let up.
I know it is hard to combat loniness, but please do try to reach out to some folks, though not the ones that are upsetting to you. Do make a bit of a plan for new years eve if just to watch a movie or something.
Posted 31 December 2009 - 04:08 AM
i am sorry what she did affected you so. she is flat out wrong and a hypocrite. so maybe she will get smote.
i hope this lifts for you soon bob. i really do. wish i had a puter, would suggest we get a chat here going on new years. i have an invite, but not sure i want to go. i am on the other end of the mood, wishing to be alone. but it may not be healthiest right now so i may go.
its hard, i wish i had wise advice, but just dont right now. i will just offer hugs.
Posted 31 December 2009 - 05:19 PM
Posted 31 December 2009 - 05:31 PM
My time down in the hole was short, thankfully. You two have lifted my spirits. I think I got so wound up for a nice Christmas, that I got let down afterwards. I need to learn to temper my expectations. I also can't let other people's lack of etiquette or empathy get me down. It's their problem, not mine. I am glad I stuck up for what I think is right. The good news is that I am up and a may have a lovely lady on my arm tonight! If I don't, at least I have you two here. Lovelier ladies could never be found! Thanks.
Kewy, good to see you posting. I have been thinking of you. I hope you are not alone tonight. Sometimes I sabotage myself by isolating myself. Being happy is just hard work sometimes!
Sunshine, thanks for all of posts of kindness.
I wish you all a very Happy New Year and a great life! (((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))
Posted 31 December 2009 - 06:23 PM
I find that daily posting at BTB helps to prevent me back sliding most of the time. The friendship and support at BTB is like preventive maintenance that keeps the beast under control most of the time. Give it a try, You got nothing to lose but your depression blues.
Ed the chow hound
Edited by Ed the chow hound, 31 December 2009 - 06:24 PM.
Posted 06 January 2010 - 12:13 AM
Been doing okay bit the Church lady struck again last night. In her email to me she told me that Dr. Martin Luther King would be appalled at my behavior! I stuck to my guns and told her that I was still whole heartedly against fundraising for an upper class high school singing group so they could lessen the cost burden of going to Italy for a singing vacation. I told her that this day was about raising the least of us. She was really pissed. She's a minister, mind you. After about 8 contentious emails, I finally got one from her this morning. The leader of the singing group told her that they wouldn't dream of accepting a fee or doing fundraising at an event like this. Church lady has run away with her tail between her legs. Somehow I don't feel so good about it. I have been really fired up and triggered again. I hate to argue with anyone but when serious principals are at stake, I can't help myself. Thankfully, the committee members have stood behind me as well. I hope we all aren't excommunicated.
For good reason, I don't go to church. People like the aforementioned have a lot to do with it. I have read a lot of the Bible, mostly the new testament. While I read most of this in a metaphorical way, it is very deep and meaningful. A faith that only asks that we help those in need to be granted the eternal kingdom that has been prepared for us. Nothing more, nothing less.
I get more spiritual support and validation here. Pure kindness and compassion. Even when we reach out for help it shows that there is a deep level of trust and brotherhood here. It is a real act of love and kindness to trust one another with such raw and personal situations. Such a great example of giving and taking.
Hats off to all of you.
Posted 06 January 2010 - 11:30 AM
Job well done!!