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Wife pulling away

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#1 robbtopp

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Posted 11 August 2009 - 02:36 PM

Hi all-
Well, my marriage is in real trouble. My wife of just over five years is steadily pulling away from me. There are a lot of reasons. I would say that I have ups and downs in my depression, but my ups would be pretty low for a 'normal' person. My wife has had a few battles with depression herself (I really, really hope I wasn't the cause), and I think I was very supportive. And she in turn has been really supportive throughout our relationship, until recently. She's had enough.
Some back story. My wife had to take care of her father when he was sick, and eventually died of cancer. Then, a year into our marriage, I was diagnosed with a rare and really nasty form of eye cancer. Originally, they were going to take out my entire eye socket and blast me with radiation, most likely blinding me in the other eye. (As someone who makes their living as an artist, this was terrifying) We eventually found an amazing experimental procedure, and I still have both eyes. (Lost about half the vision in one, and lost an eyebrow, but given the alternative...) Anyway, my wife had to help me through numerous surgeries and eight weeks of treatments. Then came leg surgeries for something just as rare. Meanwhile, the depression.
It has now been three years since the treatments, and things look really good, cancer-wise. About four or five months ago, my wife simply changed overnight. Granted, we had been in a rut for a bit - (work, dinner, tv, sleep, repeat). Suddenly, she was on facebook or texting or talking on the phone from the time she got home until she went to bed. She then told me how furious she was with me for not getting my s**t together, and that she was thinking she should move out for a while. While she hasn't moved out, she has moved to the guest room. Or at least she sleeps there. I guess it goes without saying, but our sex life is non-existent. I'm trying every way I know how to be kind, giving and loving, and she is simply mean in return. She snaps at me and rolls her eyes. Meanwhile, I've slid into one of my most severe depressive episodes, and feel like I have to hide this from her to a large extent. I'm having insane anxiety and fatigue. I almost feel like I have narcolepsy. Honestly, I don't think the depression is because of her actions. I'm sure they don't help, but this feels chemical, like it has in the past.

I know that she has simply reached her limit of caring for others above herself. She's said so. She's exhausted from worrying about me. So she's having some "me" time, which I applaud. But she's partying more, acting like she's a teenager, and shutting me out. The gap is widening, and the one person I want to talk with about it is the one pulling away. When we do talk, it turns into a fight.

I've never felt this low. The suicidal thoughts are there all the time, although I would honestly never do that to her or my family. I just want to sleep. Or stare at the ceiling. This is just so hard, and I haven't even gotten into the disaster my career is right now. I'll save that vent for another time. I think I've blathered enough. I know there aren't any easy answers... I just needed to put this down.

#2 drgnfly

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Posted 11 August 2009 - 09:58 PM

(((((Robbtopp))))) I'm glad you are venting. Getting it out is so much better than letting it just build inside of you. Your wife may have 'had enough' of taking care of someone, but marriage is 'for better or worse'. If my husband was going through something similar, I couldn't imagine not being there for him, no matter how hard it might be. You take care of the ones you love. I wish I had advice but I don't. I'm sending you huge hugs.

#3 robbtopp

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Posted 15 August 2009 - 05:19 PM

Well, she left. I am apparently a miserable person who has to learn to love myself before I can learn to love someone else.

I am really not in a good place right now.

#4 kirsty777

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Posted 15 August 2009 - 06:57 PM


#5 jillie



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Posted 15 August 2009 - 07:05 PM


I am really sorry to hear that your wife has left. Since she has been with you through thick and thin until now I can only presume that she was becoming desperate. You mentioned in your intro that you wanted to stop 'wallowing' in your depression, and to me that sounds like something that someone accuses a depressed person of doing - forgive me if I have this wrong - so I am wondering if this message was coming from her.

It may be that she hopes her action will shock you into doing something about your depression. You have mentioned that you have taken many ad's in the past which didn't help, but not if you are currently on anything. If you are it sounds like it isn't working and maybe a med change or even a p-doc change is in order.

Now you are currently separated you may find that the worst of the tension between you dissipates and makes it possible for you talk without it turning into a fight as you say it has done recently. It is not enough for her to demand that you are 'better', are there concrete things she wishes you to do (ie go to therapy, take meds) that you are not doing? She sounds like she wants to see you help yourself, and you really need to talk about how in her eyes you can do this and she can support you in it. Going to some kind of couples therapy sounds a very good option to help keep these discussions calm and structured and to have an objective opinion on what is reasonable and what isn't.

I hope you manage to get together with her to talk about this soon. Meanwhile take care.

love Jillie xxxxxx

#6 WorkEarnBuy

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Posted 07 November 2009 - 05:44 PM

I read your post last night, but I had just joined the group and was not yet validated to post.
I'm in a very near situation and am so worried about my future.

I just posted my introduction today if you care to read it.

I'm finding it helpful to talk and get out as much as possible.

I haven't yet decided if reading these forums is helpful or not yet.
I've read so many stories that just makes my heart go out to people.

I read your story and cried, but realize we are human and not alone.

There are poeple that will support us and there is a future.

I've only admitted my problem to anyone two-weeks ago.
I have very little to offer other than encouragemet.

#7 RWigram

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Posted 08 November 2009 - 02:15 AM

It sounds like an awful confluence of events you're dealing with right now. I have no advice for you but I support you.