Posted 16 May 2009 - 12:46 PM
Ok...here goes, I'm an alcoholic.
I've always had an addictive personality, eating too much, spending too much, becoming obsessed with relationships etc. Then a couple of months ago everything came to a head and I do believe I had some kind of breakdown. And I turned to drink big time. As soon as I woke up at 7am i'd go to the shops and get a bottle of wine and start drinking as soon as I got home.
Luckily this only happened for a couple of weeks, I had been telling myself it was ok that I was drinking it was just due to the stress that I was under, but I hit my own rock bottom. I phoned a good friend who is herself an alcoholic and who has been in recovery for 4 years. She convinced me to meet her the next day and go to an AA meeting. This was about a month ago. I went to about 5 meetings over the first 2 weeks then fell by the wayside again, stopped going to meetings and carried on drinking, although not to the same extent as before. I convinced myself I was controlling it because I was 'only' drinking every couple of days. I was totally lying to myself.
Then this past week I started feeling paranoid, convinced everybody hated me, I felt this physical urge and need to drink again. So I went back to an AA meeting yesterday, all the while still not admitting I was an alcoholic, I couldn't and wouldn't.
After the meeting I went for a coffee with my friend who had originally taken me to my first meeting, and she asked me why I couldn't admit I had a problem. I said I wasn't like most of the people in that room, I hadn't lost my home etc and that the picture I had in my head of an alcoholic was some old man sitting on the road with a bottle of cider.
We talked some more and I started to see so many similarites I had with my friend and the other people in that room who had shared, other people who were 'just like me'.
I then admitted to myself and her that I am an alcoholic.
Yesterday and last night I was amazed at how good I felt after saying it. I finally knew what had been wrong with me and see the insanity that is part of the illness.
Today I've just came back from another meeting and I did state "Hi I'm Kirsty and i'm an alcoholic..."
and I felt ok with that. But now ive came home and im like WTF!! How could this have happened!?!
Why me?! How the hell am I gonna live my life with this over me? How can I go out with friends and not drink, what do I even say to them. I mean lol this is scotland and if you dont drink alcohol there's something wrong with you..
I feel now like im spiralling back into that pit and yes I want to go out and get some wine.
But im not I cant , I just had to get this out and share. Hugs needed so much guys.
Posted 16 May 2009 - 01:11 PM
First of all well done! That must have taken a lot of guts to stand up and say that. Acknowledging that you have a problem, whether it is depression or alcoholism, is one of the hardest steps to take.
Try not to worry too much about friends reactions. If you don't want to share the information with them, then you don't have to. Plenty of people don't drink for various reasons - dietary, religious, medical .... there are any number of excuses. At least to begin with you could just say that you are detoxing! Longer term you might find that you need to find some different stuff to do with your time other than hanging out in bars or nightclubs. It is good you have a friend who has already been through this - I am sure she can give you some good tips and support.
Lifestyle changes are never, never easy, but they do get easier the further you go down the road....or so I am told! lol
Meanwhile, once again, well done Kirsty!!!!!
love Jillie xxxxxxx
Posted 16 May 2009 - 01:27 PM
Posted 16 May 2009 - 03:46 PM
Congratulations in facing the addiction and getting support. Also congrats on posting here about your experience, I am sure you are not alone. Addictions are a way of "medicating" or better perhaps to say lessening some element in our life.
Let me say loud and clear :I AM VERY PROUD OF YOU & THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.
Sort of you could say this presents another opportunity to improve the quality of your life. Stick with your friend, she sounds caring and wise.
hugs and hugs,
Posted 17 May 2009 - 01:16 AM
I know how difficult it was for you to admit to yourself and others that you have a problem, and I'm proud of you for taking that first step. I'm so proud of you, I really mean that.
I'm a recovering alcoholic, I haven't drank for over 17 years. Anytime I hear of someone taking that first step I feel proud of that person, because I remember what it was like. I know how significant those words are...."I am an alcoholic".....just simple little words, but they open a door to a better life.
It sounds like you've already formed a nice support system, you have a great friend that understands, and you are attending meetings. You also have us, were here for you if you ever want to just talk about things.
Feel free to pm me anytime if you need someone to talk to about any of this. I understand what it is like to be where you are right now, and am more than willing to listen, to offer encouragement and support, whatever I can do to help.
More hugs. (((((kirsty)))))
Posted 17 May 2009 - 01:22 AM
I have a totally different perspective on addictions than most people I know, so I'm not going to discuss it here.
Good luck with your struggle.
Posted 17 May 2009 - 06:56 AM
I went to my friend's house last night I did think about cancelling but sitting in the house myself wasn't an option. Was slightly worried with it being sat night, whenever ive went up to hers at night ive always taken alcohol up, well this time I didn't. She was drinking wine, I just said I couldn't handle the hangovers I get while taking my meds and she was fine with that. I just had a tumbler for my water, but I saw she was drinking out of a red wine glass and I didn't want to totally feel left out so I exchanged the tumbler for a red wine glass also and hehe felt a bit better.
I was aware of her bottle of wine on top of the work-top in the kitchen when we were in there chatting, and who knows if I would have crumbled had she had another bottle spare.
But you know what? It was ok, she was sitting drinking (she didn't get too tipsy and start slurring etc)
and I felt ok sitting there sober, admittedly there were times when I wanted a glass and yes I did feel that need and urge but I kept telling myself 'I wont have a hangover tomorrow' and it was actually ok.
I have calmed down since my meltdown yesterday and am starting to accept it and feel more comfortable with it. I thought an alcoholic was someone who got up every single morning and drank, not so, I could go 3 or 4 days without drinking, but really it was always there, waiting to be picked back up.
Its 7.30am and ive had 4 hours sleep I woke up at nearly 4.30am this morning so kind of do feel a bit hungover right now (joke) but just getting ready to go to my gran's for morning rolls and cup of tea, I'm not telling my family they dont have to know.
I do feel this is the start of something positive, like when I first admitted to myself I had a depression (and I was in deniel for a long time! I kept thinking I could overcome it - snap out of it, etc)
and I feel exactly the same way now as I did when I admitted to myself I had depression - RELIEF!
So what if society have got a skewed perception of alcoholism (like I used to have myself) they're the same about depression - but I know me and I know the truth, and I have here and AA and I truly feel I am now oncourse to work toward a better and truthful life. Awareness is definitely the key to growth and change and thank god I became aware before it was too late to go back.
Posted 18 May 2009 - 12:33 PM