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wanting it back....

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#1 romper

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  • Location:BC
  • Interests:muscle cars, reading, my 3 dogs

Posted 16 April 2009 - 09:48 PM

I have always been slim. never had a problem with weight gain no matter what. never been on a diet before. Then my SI turned to a new direction...anorexia. Just another way to destroy myself...
I 'lost' just over a year, i dont remember much except being cold and tired all the time. i was out of control and i got to a very low weight, lower thani thought possible actually.
Then i pulled myself out of it.
Was put on remeron and on went some weight.
I have never weighed this much before...and i hate it!!
I know...exercise...but i cant leave the house lately except with hubby.
And right now, with the depression i just cant seem to find any motivation..just disgust for how i look.
I caught myslef last night looking for pro-ana sites to try and 'trigger' myself back into doing it.
i know all the risks, etc. I know how stupid and dangerous it is...but dammit, it works!!! And quickly too.
But then it changes and no weight is 'good enough' after awhile....
First time actually admitting this, but i know it isnt just for weight loss...it is to 'hurt' myself again.
I almost wish i was single or away at college or some such...then i could do what i wanted and not affect my hubby and daughter...as it is i know i cant go back there because of them. It just isnt fair to them.
I'm scared of what affect it may have on our daughter...what if when she is older (or even now) decides to try it too??? I couldnt live with that; knowing i had caused it, introduced her to it.
Arrgghhh...sorry a jumbled mess but thats how i feel...jumbled, lost and a mess.
thanks to anyone reading

#2 romper

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  • Location:BC
  • Interests:muscle cars, reading, my 3 dogs

Posted 23 April 2009 - 10:27 PM

actually managed to eat almost everyday....i dont want to go back there...
idk...this makes no sense..

#3 PsychoticButterfly

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  • Location:South of Sweden
  • Interests:Music, anime, manga, and other fun stuff<br />(ugh, lost interest in those things too..)

Posted 24 April 2009 - 07:33 AM

Oh, you're dooing so good! I'm glad to hear youre improving!