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Bulimia/anorexia


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#1 PsychoticButterfly

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Posted 18 February 2009 - 07:59 AM

My ED is very strong, last night when I got home and felt the smell of food I knew I had to eat, I at once felt anxiety.
I felt bad, fat, worthless rest of the night for 150 stupid calories.. I think I'm getting sicker by the minute.
I have the need to be in control, to feel empty, to feel like I've done something right.
I have lost like 15,5kgs, I don't know exactly cause I haven't weighed since monday cause I don't have a scale at home.
My t-doc doesn't wan't me to loose anymore weight, or else she'll weigh me everytime we meet.
But I don't wanna be stoped, this is something I can accomplish. And I know that if I'll start eating "normally" again I'll prob gain atleast 5 kgs... And that would be horrific.
It's bad enough that my parents makes me eat dinner every night, so they feel like they can controll me, but to eat every meal with someone. ugh, can't even Imagine the suffering.
My t-doc will try to forbid me from exercising when I reach a BMI at 18 (it's 20,6 or something now)...
Hate that they want to control me even though I'm really fat and disgusting.
I'm almost half-way to my final goal. I won't let them stop me.
I know I'm acting stupid but the fear of food is very strong.
If I can, I'll throw up. If I can, I'll take 3 workout-classes a day. If I can, I'll eat nothing at all.
So obsessed by food, calories and weight that it's almost everything I think of.
I know I'm sick, that I can't see myself properly, but somehow the fear of food and that everybody is just lying is too big to ignore. :cry:

#2 arigrace

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Posted 27 February 2009 - 03:36 AM

hey butterfly
although i have ont had an eatting disorder, my sister whom i am very close to does.

i am not going to try to make you believe things that i know you won't, but i will say that although eatting makes you feel terrible you need to eat. there are many different choices you get to make in life. eatting or not eatting is not one. it is one of thoes things that you have to do no matter what, whether you want to or not.

You should tell someone how you feel about food if you haven't already because although you may feel like that would ruin everything. or your parents would be mad or whatever reason. it is much better to catch an eatting disorder at the beginning. also your parents want to know this kind of thing, and although you may think they can't help, they can get you to someone who can and can make you feel better. and isn't that what you want.

i know that things like this can be extremely tiring.

remember that this is a disease and you and the disease are separate. it makes you think things you would not normally think and do things you would not normally do. you need to be fighting against this disease, also with help from either your parents or some other adult.

I can tell you are very strong and can get through this, you are looking for help otherwise you would not have come to this sight so you are on the right track.

feel free to message me anytime if your feeling down or happy or just whatever

xoxoxoxoxo ari :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

#3 RWigram

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Posted 27 February 2009 - 09:56 AM

((((((((Butterfly))))))))

Sorry about your frustration. Ari says lot's of good things but I just want to reemphasize this one in particular cuz I think it's extra important for you to remember:

remember that this is a disease and you and the disease are separate.

#4 Elle-1030

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Posted 27 February 2009 - 06:12 PM

Butterfly,

I care. We have never met, but I still care about you as a human being. As you are.

You have a lot of strength and will power to be able to talk about whats going on.

You have every right to choose how to live your life.

I relate to the need for control. I cut. I know what that is about. I know its unhealthy but its like I NEED it. I get that.

There are a hundred million things I could say about eating disorders. When I was your age, I used to watch shows about eating disorders hoping that I could learn something from them. I know it is so much more than body image.

I hope you can take care of yourself enough so you don't land in the hospital with a feeding tube.

If you are able to, maybe think about why you feel like your world is out of control and you need to control it with food.

Body image is a whole other ball park. I still deal with that myself.

I feel like saying so much...but I think the most important things I can say right now is....

I care.

Keep us posted. Please take care.

:worry:

#5 PsychoticButterfly

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Posted 28 February 2009 - 10:56 AM

Butterfly,

I care. We have never met, but I still care about you as a human being. As you are.

You have a lot of strength and will power to be able to talk about whats going on.

You have every right to choose how to live your life.

I relate to the need for control. I cut. I know what that is about. I know its unhealthy but its like I NEED it. I get that.

There are a hundred million things I could say about eating disorders. When I was your age, I used to watch shows about eating disorders hoping that I could learn something from them. I know it is so much more than body image.

I hope you can take care of yourself enough so you don't land in the hospital with a feeding tube.

If you are able to, maybe think about why you feel like your world is out of control and you need to control it with food.

Body image is a whole other ball park. I still deal with that myself.

I feel like saying so much...but I think the most important things I can say right now is....

I care.

Keep us posted. Please take care.

:worry:

Hi Elle.
I was a cutter aswell, but trying to not cut anymore, and my need of control changed to control the food...Thank you.

#6 PsychoticButterfly

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Posted 28 February 2009 - 11:05 AM

I'm not dumb, I know alot about the human body(I'm in a scientific study-programme)...
But the disease make things seem logical that are not, I know all this.
I know I'll probably ruin myelf so much but as I see myself as big and fat I'll continue starving and overexersicing...
I know this all, ugh, it's so frustrating when it's just a war inside of me.
The logical part gets smaller for each and every day.
I got help, well I never intended to get help, but my mother caught me throwing up and called my t-doc.
Now everybody is on my back 'bout eating. i have to fill in an eating-list every day and stuff.
But I can't help bbut believe they are wrong. That they are trying to make me fatter...
I know my body soon will eat at my brain, cause it need the fat, but it's like I don't even care - as long as I keep loosing weight I'm happy. At a doctorsappointment with my doctor there where also a childrens doctor trying to make me realise that I don't need to loose weight.
But I still think so.
I know I'm so stupid doing this, I was naive when I thougt this could remain in the dark and I'd be happy...
Anorexia is taking away so much, but gives me all that I want. Almost.
So much that I don't want to give it up.

#7 winter

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Posted 01 March 2009 - 10:06 AM

Hi, i suffered from anorexia, But i wasnt given any help for it. (it was a phase) i went from 11 stone to 6 stone within months. In the end it was the truth about not being able to have kids and terrible problems inside that in truth snapped me out of it. It was very ill and i shudder at the pictures of me back then.
At the time i did think i was fat. But then i learnt to say, why should i care what i look like.
i know its difficult to want to know, i know i didnt. We are stubborn sods at the best of time. In the end i learnt to enjoy food a little better and i put on weight, i was a nice size 12 for years later and i pulled more than i did when i was skinny. :D

The thing is you have made the first move, you have admited that you know, its when you dont know and you would admit that somethings wrong that is scary.

Like any sort of depressive illness, saying there is something wrong with me is the first step to freedom.
I really got out of it because close family were cruel to be kind. and i am glad they were now.

hugs and pm me if you want to scream at something.

#8 PsychoticButterfly

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Posted 01 March 2009 - 01:02 PM

Hi, i suffered from anorexia, But i wasnt given any help for it. (it was a phase) i went from 11 stone to 6 stone within months. In the end it was the truth about not being able to have kids and terrible problems inside that in truth snapped me out of it. It was very ill and i shudder at the pictures of me back then.
At the time i did think i was fat. But then i learnt to say, why should i care what i look like.
i know its difficult to want to know, i know i didnt. We are stubborn sods at the best of time. In the end i learnt to enjoy food a little better and i put on weight, i was a nice size 12 for years later and i pulled more than i did when i was skinny. :D

The thing is you have made the first move, you have admited that you know, its when you dont know and you would admit that somethings wrong that is scary.

Like any sort of depressive illness, saying there is something wrong with me is the first step to freedom.
I really got out of it because close family were cruel to be kind. and i am glad they were now.

hugs and pm me if you want to scream at something.

Hi winter, and thank you for your reply.
I really don't think that I could just snap out of it as I know the consequenses and all but still I feel the need to carry on.
I don't know the meaning of 11 stone or so, I'm not familiar with that weight system...:S
But I guess it means you lost alot of weight.
How long did you suffer from anorexia, if I may ask?
Yes, stubborn is the right word for me as well, always been somewhat hardheaded.
is that the english size 12, as in eu 40? or am I totally lost?
I made the move as to let this burden get off my chest, but I do not feel the need to get help. I've got help, but just refusing it...

#9 JohnR

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Posted 01 March 2009 - 02:02 PM

Hi Butterfly

I can't think of anything helpful to say - other than I have known people who have beaten back cutting and easting disorders. Like most forms of mental illness, sometimes a 'smack upside the head' can bring some sort of epiphany, but more often it's just the result of hard work and trial and error.

Hugs.

#10 winter

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Posted 02 March 2009 - 10:02 AM

i am not sure about the size, i only work in old money lol.

'I really don't think that I could just snap out of it as I know the consequenses and all but still I feel the need to carry on'

neither could i at the time, but it took me sicking up blood, not having a period for a year, fainting and terrible problems in my girlie bits that made me say enough was enough.
I was like it only for 7 months, and even now i dont know why i felt like i did. in truth it was a bad year that year and i cant remember much about it. I lost a lot of weight in a few months, but put it on propally afterwards.

i think also because my family were cruel to be kind, they were honest enough to say i was hurting them, which i was, i was making myself ill and they couldnt understand why.

hugs and stay safe

#11 PsychoticButterfly

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Posted 02 March 2009 - 07:03 PM

i am not sure about the size, i only work in old money lol.

'I really don't think that I could just snap out of it as I know the consequenses and all but still I feel the need to carry on'

neither could i at the time, but it took me sicking up blood, not having a period for a year, fainting and terrible problems in my girlie bits that made me say enough was enough.
I was like it only for 7 months, and even now i dont know why i felt like i did. in truth it was a bad year that year and i cant remember much about it. I lost a lot of weight in a few months, but put it on propally afterwards.

i think also because my family were cruel to be kind, they were honest enough to say i was hurting them, which i was, i was making myself ill and they couldnt understand why.

hugs and stay safe

Oh, I also have a year or well two years of my life that i can't really remember alot from, my black years as I call them.
I don't really think it's the same when I just shifted my control - from cutting to eating, and not just from trying to loose weight. I'm about the same timeperios as you were when you "snapped out of it", but I don't feel the need to stop. I'm normal weight (20,28 in BMI).... But I feel veryvery fat. They say I'm perfect now, but I really can't see it.
I'm stuck in my obese-body. My family is always on my back, making me eat dinner with them every day... They just want me to stay fat:(

#12 Sunshineinmyface

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Posted 02 March 2009 - 09:27 PM

I don't know what to say..............so I will leave some of these (hugs) for you and let you know I care and to keep posting about this.

:?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?:

Sunshine

#13 PsychoticButterfly

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Posted 03 March 2009 - 08:44 AM

I don't know what to say..............so I will leave some of these (hugs) for you and let you know I care and to keep posting about this.

:?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?:

Sunshine

Thank you sunshine

#14 winter

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Posted 05 March 2009 - 12:16 PM

id love to tell you my balloon verse, which i wrote a few years after i got better. but dont know if i would upset you.

#15 PsychoticButterfly

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Posted 05 March 2009 - 05:08 PM

winter; please do, I think I can handle it!

#16 Tantalus

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Posted 06 March 2009 - 05:32 AM

id love to tell you my balloon verse, which i wrote a few years after i got better. but dont know if i would upset you.


Did you post that here at some point? I seem to remember reading it. Maybe I'm thinking of something else, and losing my mind (which has been known to happen on occasion)

#17 winter

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Posted 06 March 2009 - 10:11 AM

People are looking at me.
I must be fat.
Said the pencil to the balloon.
The balloon frowned.

People are looking at me,
I wish I was fat.
Said the balloon to the pencil.
You are fat said the pencil.

Yes but, said the balloon
You think you are fat.
So being fat to you.
Means being skinny to me.
Said the balloon.

#18 PsychoticButterfly

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Posted 08 March 2009 - 03:50 PM

winter; it's a very true poem, thank you for posting it.

#19 winter

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Posted 09 March 2009 - 09:19 AM

thats ok sweety BIG HUGS xxxx

#20 PsychoticButterfly

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Posted 10 March 2009 - 09:04 PM

oh crap, my t-doc had decided to weigh me every week. And she wants me to eat alot more... I'll probably just lie on the food-list. But yeah, it sucks. They want me to get fat.