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I think my mind is sick *triggering post lower down*


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#1 ControlIsSlippingAway

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Posted 29 January 2009 - 05:24 PM

I was shocked over my own thoughts yesterday. I was looking through random pictures on the internet and on my computer when I didn't have something better to do and I ran upon a pic of a slightly curvy woman but still skinny woman, I know that's what she is but that didn't stop me from thinking "I don't want to look that fat", that girl was skinnier than most, but just seeing that she didn't have bones sticking out everywhere, that was my natural reaction, that really scares me because I know what is skinny and what is normal, what is obese, etc... I still reacted that way which made it ring red alarm, this is bad, this is really, really bad. I thought that thought and two seconds later, I ask myself what the hell am I doing...

Edited by ControlIsSlippingAway, 01 February 2009 - 01:24 AM.


#2 RWigram

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Posted 29 January 2009 - 10:00 PM

((((((((control))))))))

Keep that perspective. As long as you truly understand what too-thin really is, you can hope to straighten yourself out.

#3 ControlIsSlippingAway

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Posted 29 January 2009 - 10:52 PM

I don't want to spin out of what I am now, I like how it is now, I have control over myself and don't want to get lost in an ED...

#4 windcuffer

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Posted 30 January 2009 - 12:22 AM

Hi - you know that the feelings you are having are destructive, so you just need to hang on to that self knowledge and not let the ED drag you down. Not easy I know, but you have the answer and solution to the problem in your grasp, you just need to hold on to it.

very best wishes

windcuffer

#5 ControlIsSlippingAway

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Posted 30 January 2009 - 07:05 AM

Thank you guys, it just bothers me that my brain don't want to listen to me but just reacts like it's being threated...

#6 ControlIsSlippingAway

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Posted 01 February 2009 - 01:48 AM

**************** TRIGGER WARNING ED/SI **********************








I don't know why I get into such defense mode whenever I see another female, especially one who are curvy in the "right places" because I'm seriously disgusted by it for a reason I can't know. It's like I see them, I go in defense mode and then I feel sick because some part of me tells the other parts of me that "she's fat" even when I know they aren't. They are a fictional threat to me but for me that threat isn't fictional anymore, it's real because I'm afraid of being less. I'm not even worth it as it is. Any threat needs to be put down by being hidden because if I'm even less then I'm not going to be seen at all. Nothing of this makes any sense, I want to be a female seen but I want to disappear. I wouldn't say I have an ED but I had it and I don't want to go back to eating food and vomiting it up, I didn't even binge, I just ate little and threw the little I ate up. I'm glad I got off so easy, 3 cavities, but nothing else before I got to put a stop to it with help. I walked on that ground and periods of eating very little, on a "good" day my calorie intake was 50-200 calories. It's just really triggering to feel like this and no matter who I talk to about the problem without mentioning the not eating I don't get taken seriously.

I know my behavior have gone too far when I question people on who they think is attractive, no matter if they like super skinny almost anorectic looking females (And I talked to people like that) or the once who prefer curvier females, every time I have to criticize them, especially if my boyfriend is the one saying it. He was commenting some girl saying she was "pretty but stupid" and I would tell him back that "she wishes". It's a natural yet unnatural reaction from my side, 6 months ago I'd have simply shut up and pressured myself to look better in every aspect but I'm too critical, obsessed and hating to put more pressure. Something broke and it won't get fixed. Like this wall where I kept all the bitchy water and now it started to leak through, I'm a pond of bitchiness ready to burst at any moment and I'm afraid there won't be any return and I don't want to be that. I never felt comfortable being mean in any way intentionally (and when I did by mistake I feel like an asshole for weeks or months after, in some cases even years) and if that is allowed to happen then I'll be feeling even worse than I do now.

I'm a mess and to place the rotten cherry on it's moldy sundae, yesterday I was having a great day until some asshole decided show pictures of a girl cutting/using needles in different ways, the pictures were extreme and graphic and since then I've had the itch I always had when I were scarring my skin. At least I know that poor girl gets help now, but that doesn't make it less of a bad thing for me, I called him out on it and I was pissed off. I was either hallucinating or something out of this worldly was happening yesterday, I think my mind was totally playing me to push me over the edge, I saw the door to my house open without any real cause to it. I was so close to hurt myself, I panicked and it seemed like the right thing to do but I didn't, I came so far without doing anything. This year was without anything and I'd like to keep it that way, the craving to do it whenever something fucks up is there.

Edited by ControlIsSlippingAway, 01 February 2009 - 01:59 AM.