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Despairing


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#1 Bluebell

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Posted 21 March 2011 - 11:00 PM

I am not sure this is the right place for this post really. But I decided to err on the side of caution in case it should be a trigger for anyone else.

Without going into details, I had bad experiences with dentists and doctors (the first a bad professional experience and the latter a bad personal experience). I find any kind of medical stuff really hard now. It will sound silly but I keep getting ear infections and had to go to the hospital today. They think I may suffer permanent hearing loss if I get another ear infection but are unable to tell me why I keep getting them or what I should be doing to avoid them. Obviously that worries me but it's not the thing I find hardest to deal with (i.e. it's not what I want support with - in fact I don't feel as though I want to talk about the 'physical' components of it at all).

I feel completely thrown back into the previous experiences I have had with medical professionals and the (abusive?) relationship I had with someone who was a doctor. I feel depressed, hopeless, as though I have no control over my body, as though I should be able to somehow sort my body out so it responds in the way I feel it should, as though I have all these problems with my body because I hate it so much and because I don't look after it and because of the things that have happened in the past (a sort of punishment for those things). And I feel overwhelmed and alone. Because I don't know how to deal with these things and I don't know who to talk about them with (apart from my therapist who clearly can't be available all the time).

I don't think I am ever going to get over what happened.

And I am so lonely. So alone. So lacking physical comfort and emotional support. And yet I cannot imagine ever letting anybody get close to me. Certainly not physically. I am nearly 30 and have never had a physical relationship (not really). I feel so much shame about that in spite of understanding the reasons (or at least some of the reasons). Sometimes I think there's something I just don't get. I mean the relationship with the doctor was in my early twenties and even before then I was hopelessly useless in this area and filled with fear.

I am really falling into depression fast and hard at the moment. I feel completely without hope.

#2 Sunshineinmyface

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Posted 22 March 2011 - 03:42 AM

Hi and welcome to BtB Bluebell :wave: I am so glad you found us!

It is kind of hard to read between the lines as to what specifically is going on with you, but clearly you are in a lot of pain, not the least of which is loneliness. You have found an instant family here whose primary purpose is to support others in kicking the beast in the ass, as Uncle Ed would say (a gem of a member here at BtB) and that is just what you will find here...a supportive family.

I am so glad you are seeing a therapist and I hope you have a good relationship with him/her so that you can talk freely and are getting some useful advice and directed at some good resources.

Please do not consider yourself alone now that you have joined this virtual family....we are open 24/7 and available for venting and support.

I would strongly encourage you to seek medical advice from some medical professionals other than the ones you are currently seeing as to the source and cause of the ear infections. If it is the ER, we all know they have limited history on us and are not in the position to follow up with us, so I would really look for a primary care doctor to manage your care and refer you to more expertise that can spend the time looking at your medical issue more thoroughly than the ER personnel can.

Hugs,
Sunshine

#3 RWigram

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Posted 22 March 2011 - 12:49 PM

Sorry you feel so awful bluebell. Ironically, I had a big problem with ear infections around your age too. It's kinda weird since they're usually a little kid thing, but I know they can be painful and frustrating.

As far as the emotional stuff, I hear what you're saying and am sorry for what has happened to you in the past. For whatever it's worth, though, I really identify with some of the words you used like "something you don't get." I feel exactly the same way.

Keep hanging in there, and keep talking to us. I see you've been here before so you know Sunshine is right about what a wonderful "place" this is.

All the best.