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#1 Rach51075

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Posted 10 July 2009 - 06:02 PM

I can't stop remembering. For so long I kept it inside, though I always knew it had happened. But now I can't stop remembering. And it hurts so much. I took a couple of sleeping tablets last night, thinking they would help. But when I woke up I was sat on my windowsill, with the window open! What was I doing?! How is this possible?! I felt terrified and I think I was trying to escape, but I don't know. Oh my God, I don't know what I was doing. I keep losing time, then 'waking up' and not knowing what I'm doing. This is scary stuff, it's even happening when people are talking to me, I just get lost. I know I used to go somewhere inside myself when those 2 men were doing stuff to me, but now it's happening again. I can't handle this, this is not soemthing I can do. I'm really frightened. How can this be normal? But I don't get how it's only just now hitting me. How is that possible? Maybe it's not true, maybe I'm just losing my mind. No, I know it's true. It must be. God, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. :cry:

Edited by Rach51075, 10 July 2009 - 06:04 PM.


#2 Qtkira

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Posted 10 July 2009 - 07:33 PM

((((Rach))))

I don't know what advice to offer you. It is so difficult when you are reliving a past abuse or assualt. Have you ever sought any counseling or been to a support group for suvirors of abuse? Maybe you can look into that. I found that for years I was having similar flashbacks of when I was raped at 16. It was horrible. Finally, my BF suggested that I go to counseling. In my city we have an organization called the Rape Crisis Center and I went to individual and group therapy. It was hard at first, becuase it dug up a lot of negative feelings and emotions for me - but after the initial discomfort, I can honestly say it helped.

You are NOT losing your mind. As survivors, sometimes we feel like maybe it wasn't that bad or maybe I imagined what happened to me. It must have been a dream we think to ourselves. Well, no it was not a dream. It's like you said- you had to "go somewhere else" to cope while these terrible things were happening to you. It's a survival mechanism, a way to escape that reality. The result is that when we think back on it, we almost feel like it was unreal.

I am worried about you sitting in the window with no safety measures. Do you find that you often put yourself in a dangerous situation when you go through these "blank outs"? If so, maybe you can talk to someone that can help you. Actually, you need to talk to someone who can help you anyway. Please go to your doc or find out if there is some sort of mental health, counseling or crisis center in your area that can help.

Rach, make sure you check back with us here at BTB. We want to know how you are doing. Take good care of yourself. :bighug:

#3 tinker

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Posted 10 July 2009 - 09:29 PM

(((((((Rach)))))))

no advice just lots of hugs. This sounds like it could be some sort of post traumatic stress reaction to me - but I am no expert. Please seek help from those who are.

Tinker x

#4 Rach51075

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Posted 11 July 2009 - 01:28 PM

I am worried about you sitting in the window with no safety measures. Do you find that you often put yourself in a dangerous situation when you go through these "blank outs"? If so, maybe you can talk to someone that can help you. Actually, you need to talk to someone who can help you anyway. Please go to your doc or find out if there is some sort of mental health, counseling or crisis center in your area that can help.


Hi Qtkitra,
Thanks for your advice. I am going to ring my GP on Monday and try to get an appointment with her. These black outs are really freaking me out. I was driving to my friend's last night, she lives 3 miles away. Next thing I knew, my car my car hit the side and started to wobble. I controlled it and no damage was done, but I was 10 miles the other side of my friend's house and very scared. I had to call her to come get me and we found somewhere to leave my car and went to collect it this morning. I broke down infront of my friend, told her everything, couldn't stop crying. I don't have another pdoc appointment until September and I'm not sure I could talk to him about it anyway. This is such scary shit, I am a person whose worst nightmare is not being in control and right now I'm not. I'm not in control of anything. I don't even know what I'm doing half the time. My friend thinks it's good that I've told her and you guys, she thinks it's the first, huge step to take. I hope she's right.
Rach.

#5 Qtkira

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Posted 12 July 2009 - 01:47 AM

Hey Rach,

Yes. Seeing your GP on Monday or ASAP is a good idea. Make sure that when you call them, you let them know the severity of what is going on so that they will see you quickly. Sometimes with Dr's offices, they can easily make you wait for weeks before you get an appointment. I'm glad you talked to your friend. Now you have someone else looking out for you. While you are waiting for your appointment, please keep talking to her and checking in with us. Take care.

#6 Rach51075

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Posted 15 July 2009 - 05:47 PM

Not a good week. Seeing GP tomorow. Gonna tell her about what's been going on with me (if I'm brave enough).

#7 Sunshineinmyface

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Posted 15 July 2009 - 06:58 PM

Bravery is doing something even if you are scared, so I think you have great bravery and can tell your dr. Is is possible for your friend to go with you for support? Remember we are all behind you and hopefully in mind tomorrow.

#8 Rach51075

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Posted 16 July 2009 - 06:00 PM

Well, I did it. I saw my GP and I told her what I've been remembering and what's been happening. I'm so glad I told her, she was lovely. And she believed me, which I thought she wouldn't, I thought she'd either think I'd imagined it all or made it up. But she didn't, she believd me. I cried for most of my appointment, I was just so relieved she believed me. Unfortunately, the downside is the psychologist that I've already been referred to has a year's waiting list. There is a counselllor at my GP's practice, but she has a waiting list and also she is trained in very general couselling and my GP thinks I need something more in depth. She wanted me to start seeing the CPN again, she said in terms of keeping me safe and having some immeidate help, I need to se her. But she is a waste of space. When I saw her before we didn't click and she then failed to turn up to almost every appointment. I ended up telling her where to go, so there's no way I can see her again. Which leaves me pretty much on my own. Until the psychologist has a vacancy. In the mean time, she's told me to try again with the Beating the Blues CBT course and I've agreed to sign up to a group course for coping with panic attacks. I've agreed to lock my window at night, to make sure I can't fall out of it, but I'm still finding it really hard to stay 'present'. It's really hard, I'm trying to hold down my job whilst coping with this and look after my Mum. It's so much. I'm so tired.

#9 drgnfly

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Posted 16 July 2009 - 07:42 PM

(((Rach))) That is one of my biggest problems with having depression...not finding available help. It sounds like it is the same on your side of the world. Not enough Psychiatrists, and the waiting lists are ridiculous! Hang in there..it sucks but it is great that your GP is taking you seriously. That is a great start to getting the help you need. I've got you in my thoughts while you are waiting this out. At least the CBT course is something...anything is better than nothing. Big hugs to you! :bighug:

#10 tinker

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Posted 16 July 2009 - 07:46 PM

very proud of your bravery though the waiting lists suck
(((((Rach)))))

#11 Rach51075

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Posted 17 July 2009 - 05:57 PM

Thanks, guys, for your support. I'm so glad I found BTB, I don't know what I'd do without you guys at the moment. It means so much to know there are people who know and understand what I'm going through. I'm not sure I would have had the courage to tell my friend, or my GP, what was going on without you, I'm not sure I would have even been able to admit it to myself. I hope that in the future I can be a bit more supportive towards others, rather than just wallowing im my own crap. You see, I'm saying 'in the future'. That's gotta be a good sign.

#12 tinker

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Posted 20 July 2009 - 03:58 PM

Thanks, guys, for your support. I'm so glad I found BTB, I don't know what I'd do without you guys at the moment. It means so much to know there are people who know and understand what I'm going through. I'm not sure I would have had the courage to tell my friend, or my GP, what was going on without you, I'm not sure I would have even been able to admit it to myself. I hope that in the future I can be a bit more supportive towards others, rather than just wallowing im my own crap. You see, I'm saying 'in the future'. That's gotta be a good sign.


i think you are right - definately a good sign x

#13 zuziqu

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Posted 28 September 2009 - 05:59 AM

(((((((Rach)))))))

You are not wallowing in your own "crap." What you are doing is talking about it - and that in itself helps a lot. You have made some pretty big steps in talking about this, joining this group, and talking about it with your friend and GP. Please realize that you are making a lot of progress, and you will make more every day.

Blessings,

Sue B