Posted 01 September 2007 - 03:06 AM
When everything feels so out of control this feels like the only thing that I can control will I have a 3rd episode? I have no fucking idea.
I hate myself so much
Posted 03 September 2007 - 04:03 PM
Don't really get into this folder very often and just saw this. I do hope you find something inside you that will change your need from punishing yourself to giving yourself some nourishment. In high school, I'd often go for as long as I could without eating or drinking anything, so I have some idea of what you're feeling.
I cherish and value you though, so I naturally want you to at least eat something that will give you some strength. (The less you eat, the weaker your body becomes and your mind/spirit just gets worse.)
Sorry you're hurting so bad that this is a result.
Am here to listen and do what I can to help.
Posted 03 September 2007 - 04:45 PM
I too, have been there three times. And let me tell you, it sucks.
But what sucks more is looking in the mirror and knowing that you are not content with your body. I am 5 ft tall and weigh 100 lbs again. I still look in the mirror and say "I'm fat, I'm ugly." but the thing is, now I have the resources to know that when I'm 80 lbs, I don't feel better about myself.
There's that need, the need to go further. And it's not a good place to fall into.
Like Jenny said, you don't want the weakness that will come along with this.
When you fall into the spell of not eating, you lose the beautiful Bee we are used to. You lose the spirit, the energy, the life in you. And for such a wonderful person, it's not worth it. You need something that will give you the energy to put the light back in your eyes, if that's not how you're feeling. So don't lose that, Bee, sweetie.
I'm here for you.