My daughter ( really long- sorry)
Posted 11 May 2012 - 02:56 PM
Some of you may remember that my 13 year old daughter has struggled with cutting for a while now. WE have openly discussed it and have she has been in therapy on and off for about a year, she tells me when she feels she needs to go and I take her, thankfully her therapist is very good with this schedule.
So I though she was doing OK, has not asked to go to therapy for a while.....this morning I was cleaning out her "junk drawer" and found two little notebooks with her writing in them. She writes lyrics for the songs she composes on her guitar....well I was surprised at what I found. Almost every one of the song is about being depressed, or self harm, or. suicide, or being an outcast....I know that many of her peers feel she is "weird" and I though she embraced being "different" But those poems are filled with so much pain, and it hurts to think that is how she really feels.....
She had to write a "sad" poem for her writing class..she did not let me see it...but in the notebook must be the poem because she has written under it "I can't believe I am going to share this with the school" I read it....it is really good, but painful for me to read too....my question- do I let her know I read her works in the book, and have her be mad because I read her private writings or do I just keep a closer watch on her.....we obviously have lost the open communication that I thought we still had....
Here is the poem.......
The perfect shell of a perfect girl
Pleasant, kind and well
Trapped the broken heart of a darker girl
With scars too deep to tell
The outer girl smiled and laughed
Pretended things were fine
While the secrets of the darker truth
Swirled inside her mind
The inner girl despised the one
Who hid these scars so well
And binded her inside this cage
Of unforgiving self
The inside scratched and screamed and pounded
Looking for the door
Away from the darkened loneliness
And into something more
The outer girl would show no pain
And let nobody know
Tell the inside girl to quiet down
Her desperate crying yell
The outer girl would carry on
And drag her self along
While the inner tried to drag her down
Remind her this was wrong
"It's dark and lonely here
Although you can not tell
For when you wear your apathy
I feel the raging Hell
I'm sick and tired of all these lies
You tell to those who care
I'm disgusted by everything you are
And sick of felling scared.
Kill me with you candy shell
But I won't go down without a fight.
I'll take theses blades
And cut you off
When daylight fades to night"
And so the promise made was kept
For when the stars arose
The inside girl picked up the blades
And was finally coming home
The outside girl begged her to stop
But the inner girl just laughed
Because the pain so deep was real
And she, no longer trapped.
The blood burned red from gnarly gashes
Scribbled into skin
And tears poured down like salty rain
As the broken girls give in.
I guess that part that worries me is the part about lying to those who care.....I feel like the worst mother because how could I have missed the pain she must be feeling to be able to write this????
Thanks for reading all this.....
Posted 11 May 2012 - 04:30 PM
Posted 11 May 2012 - 05:50 PM
She says she does not care what others think of her, but maybe that is how she covers up the hurting as well?? Pretending not to care?
She is highly intelligent, very artistic, and creative. She also is very involved with the student council...she does not fit into any "mold" and maybe she gets comments for that....I know there are several "mean girls" who often make remarks about her appearance (she dresses how she feels...sometimes in wild mismatched clothes, sometimes in black, and sometimes she just pulls on anything.....) and how smart and nerdy she is, but maybe they really do bother her?
I have decided I will talk to her, she may be mad that I read the poems, but if her mental health is at risk I have to take that chance, I can't stand the thought of her hurting so badly
It is HARD being a parent to a teen age girl
Posted 11 May 2012 - 10:48 PM
I can only imagine how hard this is for you to read, to see the pain that is inside her. I am glad you have decided to talk to her, because that is what I was going to recommend. If she truly really hoped no one would ever find those, they would have been hidden better, trust me!!! Kids can find loads of hiding spots, but drawers are never one of them.
Talk to her, reassure her and keep the lines of communication open with her. Praise her for being able to express her feelings and encourage her to continue writing things out, let her know you'd be happy to provide feedback if she would like that.
If that was shared with her classmates in writing class, I think I'd be arranging a little chat with te school, asking why no red flags were raised.
Suicide rates for teens is way higher than it should be, and in all honesty, we ALL share the responsibility of watching for warning signs or red flags. One SHOULD have been raised to you on her behalf, letting you know that they felt your daughter was in emotional pain..........
((((Laura)))) Always good to see you, just wish things were different. Good luck with her, and lean as needed!!!
Posted 31 July 2013 - 03:31 AM
I myself write very often have since I was 12. I can honestly say writing did not take my pain away or stop the cutting I have 4 notebooks filled with horribly detailed poems that I wont let my own mother see and I am addicted to cutting. If it gets too bad you might want to get more help besides a therapist like a self harm rehab. Although I am not one to talk.