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#1 amber_bamber

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Posted 27 July 2011 - 12:00 PM

at the end of the day it will always come down to this!

this is who i am...what i am about...one way or another this is me!

and i hate it...thus i hate me!

bloody hate everyone and everything right now.

life sucks and its painful and stupid and just shit.

this i can control.

i cant control things around me,i cant control who hates me and why so i give up and just let them carry on hating me...why not?...its the norm after all!

i couldnt control s getting ill

i couldnt control her treatment and i certainly couldnt control wether or not she made fucking stupid choices regarding her treatment...

i couldnt control our last row!

i couldnt control our slow making up but we was getting there and i couldnt control her dying!

i didnt get to say goodbye..

i dodnt get to go to her funeral..

i dont even get a place i can go visit her and tell her how much i loved her and how much i hurt!

i do get to do this though...i get to control my feelings by numbing them with this,.,its all i have right now.

but i fucking hate it!

#2 jillie

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Posted 27 July 2011 - 02:21 PM

(((((Amber)))))))

I am sorry that you never got to say goodbye, but I am sure she thought of you and said her mental goodbyes to you. You were important to her.

Maybe try to find a place that can be where you think of S. A quiet place in a park nearby, somewhere you can go to when you want to think of her. Or plant something in the garden, a little bush or something, that is S's. I am not religious, but going to a church and lighting a candle and just sitting very quietly can be very soothing. Churches seem to have a special kind of listening silence. Even finding a churchyard and sitting quietly has helped me. In a busy, noisy life it can be difficult to find the kind of 'switch off' time we need when we want to talk to someone, so you need to find your special place.

Take care, and please try to let the anger and sorrow out, don't let it turn in.

love Jillie xxx

#3 Ed the chow hound

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Posted 31 July 2011 - 12:34 AM

((((((Amber))))))

I am so sorry to hear you are in the grip of the beast. When the beast has us by the throat it is impossible to see any good in our lives but this is a distortion of reality. Lean on your many friends at BTB for emotional support until the attack passes.Stay in touch as much as you can.

hugs

Ed the chow hound