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Sometimes I want to cross the line....


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#1 Rae

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Posted 22 May 2007 - 07:38 PM

I have always been thin. I mean, I'm 5 ft even and 100 lbs or so. But the problem is, I have had so much pressure from my family to be thinner and prettier. My sister is 5 ft 4 and weighs 95 lbs. And her bra size is bigger than mine (that was so teenage girl), so it's like yeah, I'm thin, but not when you put me next to her.
People are constantly comparing us. My grandmother told me before my cousin's Bat Mitzvah a few weeks ago that I needed to lose weight so I could look like my sister. I mean, this doesn't do wonders for my body image! I look in the mirror and see someone who's fat and ugly, no matter how often my friends tell me I'm thin and beautiful. I cannot see it.
I wear long skirts and very modest clothing because I am insecure.
I have been borderline anorexic several times. Borderline meaning I stay in control. I have recently been down to 90 lbs...as soon as I felt myself losing control, I pulled out of it. But it's so hard to convince myself that I am not fat or ugly...

#2 verysadcat

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Posted 22 May 2007 - 11:42 PM

(((Rae)))

I've been there at your age. I'm 5'9" and big-boned and got myself down to 119 before I was threatened with the hospital. and still I thought I was obese and gross. but I look at pictures now of me back then and all I can think is "ewwww, she looks like a scarecrow". my elbows stuck out, my face was all hollow, my periods stopped, my hair got brittle. it wasn't a pretty sight, trust me.

it takes time and a lot of hard work on your self-esteem to be able to look into the mirror and like the body that's staring back at you. I struggle with that now, though my medications have ADDED unwanted pounds that I hate.

I'm sorry that you have relatives who don't see the damage they are doing by making those kind of comparisons. and I'm sorry, but the skinnier you get, the first thing to go is your boobs! so you're never gonna look like your sister!

and that is fine. look like the beautiful Rae that I know you are.

it's a good thing that you are self-aware enough to know about that slippery slope to anorexia. keep your head up, kid, and just keep working on loving you JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.

because we here do,
hugs,
Di

#3 Ed the chow hound

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Posted 23 May 2007 - 07:13 AM

Di,

I saw your photo and big is beautiful, a man needs some one substantial to cling to in his moments of passion.


uncle Ed the chow hound

:cunning: :cunning: :cunning:

Edited by Ed the chow hound, 23 May 2007 - 03:40 PM.


#4 Aine

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Posted 14 June 2007 - 07:29 AM

I know exactly how you feel. I've never been a full blown anorexic, but I've had bouts of starving myself. I have a lot of beautiful friends, and it really makes me feel like shit. Almost every time I'm with them, I feel embarassed of myself. It's virtually impossible to make the feeling go away completly...but know that you can always find someone to talk to here. Myself included :?:

#5 Sunshineinmyface

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Posted 14 June 2007 - 07:27 PM

((((((((Rae))))))))))

When I was a teenager I thought I was ugly too despite people saying otherwise...i think it is a trap many of us fall into. Looking at pictures of yourself and comparing yourself to others is not helpful in the least. I would like to ring the neck of your in-law or family that are pressuring you to lose weight to the point that you would be anorexic...they are sick sick.

I am 5'3" before I went to college I could not get to 100 lbs no matter what I did. I did eat okay and got exercise, but it was the stress of the chaos (of the family) that kept my weight low. People would say "you are so thin you make me sick" well great.

I did now however think I was fat or not thin enough. I wanted to get a little on my bones and I liked the small breasts.

What I did believe was that I was ugly...so somehow I came up with this: I sat in front of a mirror every night with no make up on and examined my face, with difficulty at first, but kept saying you are not ugly, then you are nice looking......night after night. I thought I had to put all this make up one....blah...just to cover those awful pimples.

I recently thought I was ugly with no make up.....I am okay...not a Kristy Brinkley, but few are and they go to a hell of a lot of expensive work to look like that. If we got the same treatment.....hours of prep and sometimes surgery....we would look like a cover girl too. That is the crap we are fed from the media....beauty is natural especially when we spend an hour or more working on the face, hair and clothes and special camera lenses.

Rae, your family is as sick as the celebraty bs. Go to a table for what weight you should be for your height....you are way on the thin end. Your sister sounds like she would crumble up if she got sick...only bones and skin.

Okay...I have gained the most weight I have in the past two years. And those big breasts suck....they get in the way, catch crumbs, draw unwanted attention, give an impression that you are body no mind especially when wearing low cut outfits. They make clothes hang wrong......I wish I could reverse the weight and get the small breasts back.

I beat myself up for being fat, you do the opposite....we are both causing ourselves undo stress. Do not easily if at all let other people's opinions define you in any way. They are very mean to say mean things like that, but those kind of folks are all over and you must develop as thick a skin as you can dear. They are your relatives and not in a position to dictate one of the most private areas of your life. Do what you need to protect yourself....show them articles about anorexia, healthy weight tables, articles talking about the dangers of being to thin. By the way....how much to these criticizers weight?????????

Gone on too long. You may not believe any of this now, but read those articles, do not look in the mirror. Do not take only your families opinion on this.

Hugs,
Sunshine

Edited by sunshineinmyface, 14 June 2007 - 07:31 PM.


#6 Rae

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Posted 14 June 2007 - 08:31 PM

Thanks for the support, guys.
I do feel myself slipping again, recently. It's very hard for me to force myself to eat.
Everyone in my family is thin...so I have to fit in...those who are not thin are my younger cousins who also have behavior issues, so...ignore that.

But it is not something I can approach my family about.
My grandmother, just to show how nurturing she is, tells me, and has told me since I was young, that I need makeup.
I am secure enough in my sense of self to not wear makeup, but throw this on the weight thing, and the fact that it is summer and I am embarrassed to show my body at all, I'm kind of...down about it.