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#1 kewy13

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Posted 28 January 2007 - 12:35 AM

only since discovering BtB have i finally admitted to myself that i do have an eating disorder. ive had it since about 3rd grade, when a friend started emotionally abusing me. i always had such a high metabolism that it never mattered if i ate one or one dozen donuts.

gained and lost about 80 lbs during and after pregnancy-did not have to work too hard at it.

i went on ad's about 9 or 10 yrs later and even though i became more active than ever before, backpacking, skiing, snowshoeing, hiking, lots of outdoor activities frequently, i put on almost 100 lbs over several years. no matter what i do i cannot take it off. i cannot control the binging. i do it when i am down, and sometimes when i am up. i dont know what gets it going. it can last a day or intermittently for weeks. i am so ashamed that i let myself get here, but i am absolutely weak when it comes to resisting the urge.

when i am not binging i eat very healthy. i hate to take the time to cook but if it is simple i will. well, i used to. for the last year or so we have been eating out so often because i was too depressed to cook. but i love fish, fruit, poultry, meat, and all cooked and raw veggies.

the foods i crave are generally pastry. i dont know how to deal with retraining my brain after 30 yrs of indulgence. i guess admitting it to my pdoc first. when i can get in.

kewy

Edited by kewy13, 08 October 2007 - 06:25 AM.


#2 Jenna

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Posted 28 January 2007 - 02:30 AM

kewy, you're not alone. its a very difficult thing to deal with. i just booked a cruise with friends for this summer and first thing i said is 'i wont be seen in a bathing suit unless i lose 30 lbs' and i already feel defeated, i already have that feeling of the calendar rolling around to august and me being exactly the same weight as i am today.

#3 kewy13

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Posted 28 January 2007 - 06:54 AM

thanks, jenna. i just dont know how to control it. i cant just stop. i just have to wait til i get into my therapist.

i bet you do lose it. esp with your journal. maybe i'll start that when i feel strong enough to commit. and a cruise is a sounds awesome!

kewy

#4 kewy13

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Posted 09 February 2007 - 02:16 AM

:oops: i am so grossed out by how i look right now. i gained 7 lb in one wk and i just keep getting fatter and fatter! i got an apt w/ my pdoc for the 19th (i think it is) and hopefully she will try me on some other med. this is just making my depression so much worse. my back is killing me after only 3 days back to work, so working out is not an option right now. i walk as much as i can but its just never eflippinnough. if i could quit eating cold turkey, like i did smoking and drinking (i do have an occasional glass of wine or beer but no more) i would be fine, but no. we have to do it. i just need help and dont know where to turn. my docs keep telling me to get more active but how can i when i feel exhausted ALL the time? whatever. angry. very sad. embarrassed. want a hole to hide in but i'd probly get my gut stuck in it.

kewy

#5 IndigoCharm

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Posted 09 February 2007 - 02:36 AM

I can really associate, too, it's horrid. As soon as I start gaining weight, I want to hide somewhere dark where no one would see it, including myself. :oops:

#6 marga

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Posted 09 February 2007 - 10:11 AM

(((((((Kewy)))))))

You're not alone with this. :?: I've had episodes of binge eating and bulimia too. What helps me most is to avoid temptation as much as possible - as you said, we can't give up eating altogether, but I try to avoid "trigger" foods - the things I'm most likely to binge on. And if I get to the point where I'll eat anything and everything, I try to get out of the house and distract myself. I do Weight Watchers now and it's really working for me as I know exactly what I can and can't get away with eating.

Good luck talking to the pdoc about this. There are treatments available, so you don't have to suffer in silence. :?:

Love, Marga.

#7 sunny

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Posted 11 February 2007 - 05:09 AM

if you have read this type of thread at btb before posting...you will know that i am with you and will be a great support if you like :bighug: just let me know

sunny

#8 kewy13

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Posted 11 February 2007 - 08:40 AM

i feel really let down by my dr. every time i ask him for help with my weight, he just tells me i need to be more active. i need to eat less. he doesnt seem to get it. i am trying so hard!! i just need some help. i obviously cant do this on my own. he recommended a book on healthy eating but i need more than just to read on it. i know how to eat healthy. im not stupid. it isnt hard to figure out what, i just need help with the how.

why cant i stop eating? sometimes i feel very very hungry, and others i feel like if i dont get the sugar or carbs or whatever i crave i wont be able to function. if the thought of food pops into my mind it is like it takes me over. it is worse than quitting smoking.

i just keep letting myself down. and my boyfriend. and my daughter. i gained another 5 lbs. that brings me to 12 lbs in a month or so. i know i am moving less with my injury. but this is just killing me inside!!! sorry i keep dragging this post on and on but i am so low about it. :cloud:

i wish i had bulimia or anorexia instead. why is it one person gets anorexia to control something in their life while someone else just binges? i want to purge so badly but i cant. at least i can purge my feelings here.

:sob:
kewy

#9 IndigoCharm

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Posted 12 February 2007 - 05:15 AM

((((Kewy))))

I'm sorry your doctor didn't really help you. Would it help to distract yourself with something like a movie or a very good book?
I once found something on a site about SI that helps me -- everytime I want to eat, I tell myself I will in 15 minutes. When they pass, I add 15 more, and repeat for as long as I can or until I feel enough time has passed.

You're not alone in wishing to be anorexic instead... :co:

Hugs,
-Masha

#10 kewy13

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Posted 16 February 2007 - 04:20 AM

thank you all sooo much. i think i will check into a local weight watchers. i registered about 2 yrs ago w/a friend, but only went once. i am just afraid i'm not strong enough right now. sugar or whatever i am craving is everywhere. even in the foods i think are healthy.

maybe if i cant quit eating cold turkey, i can eat only fresh/unprocessed foods. i dont know, that may be too hard. i dont know. i can be strong about things, i have been in the past. just never about food. i crave the bad food sooo much its like my senses are overwhelmed and cant focus on anything else. i get irritable and focus becomes even harder for me.

being out of work on injury doesnt help either. i know i have to get moving to heal to go back to work, too. not just to lose weight. but it is even easier now to do nothing. i feel so guilty for not taking care of myself, being a better example for my daughter. so many things in my life are affected by being so fat. my fit boyfriend just painted his living room in no time. all i could do to help is part of one wall before my back started hurting. next wk i start physical therapy. hopefully that will get me moving. i will talk to my p doc about it on monday.

i do have to say that everyones support and post does help me feel better. my weight and not working are the only 2 things yanking me down right now :stuck: . i am trying to focus on the other things i am doing ok with. :( i cry with relief that i found this place. everyone here is so special. to get through our own hard times and also be there for others can be so hard, but here it happens all the time. thank you all soo much!!!

:hug:

kewy

#11 kewy13

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Posted 08 October 2007 - 06:23 AM

long time since i posted this. but i need to return. i just cant stop crying. i am so obese. and out of control. i did join weight watchers. and lost 23 lb. but over 7 fucking months. and i have been gaining it back over the last 2 (i think) months. i just cant get fucking on track. i am in pain physically and this is not helping. i am so fucking pissed at myself. i was doing well. losing weight while injured and not working or able to work out. and now i am just fucked. i constantly want pastries and sugar. i am a mess.

i understand people who eat like this to control something in their life, like everyone is controlling things around them so this is the one thing they will control. but i dont feel like i am controlling anything by stuffing donuts or anything i can get my hands on down my face. if i could make myself vomit i would but i did that every hour during my pregnancy and just cant do it to myself. if i had the control i wish for id be able to just exercise my ass off (literally) or not eat much. but i am so fucking weak all i can do is sit here and cry and type about it. i feel like such a fucking failure i cant stand it. fuck fuck fuck.

did i say fuck?
kristel

#12 forestfairy

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Posted 08 October 2007 - 07:02 PM

(((((Kewy)))))

I don't see you as a failure- you have been working hard at this and have done well with weight watchers- and maybe the last 2 months or so have been hard but I do believe that you have achieved more than what you give yourself credit for.

:bighug:

Please be kind to yourself- sounds like you are in pain, you have been through a lot and it hasn't been easy.

Carol

#13 SereneTragedy

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Posted 08 October 2007 - 10:59 PM

Kewy, sweetie....be kind to yourself.