I found one of my old posts just to jog anyone's memory *sorry if this is not the right section to post this thread btw!*
And was just realising how much things have changed.
Last time I left you all I was with my abusive partner... who to say the least abused me both physically and mentally to the point of utter despair, isolation and hoplessness. It was then I truned to the people here for comfort for I knew how you all understood.
I had been attending TAFE, trying so hard to finish year 12 and graduate and there I met James... who at the time I saw as my knight in shining armour. My one escape. At first I ignored him, but then our friendship grew and so did his feelings towards me.
He was a councellor his mother a nurse. He seemed to understand me... and convinced me to leave my bf. I coudn't though, knowing he was already suspicous the constant hitting, abuse. I was terrified. But at last I had my chance. I convinced my bf to go away to see his uncle for easter. He wanted me to come of course, but I said I was sick, it would be good for him to go, to leave. After a week's debate, he decided he would leave. I had to call him every 3 hours from the home phone *apparently so he would know I was okay*
Early on Saturay morning my bf kissed me goodbye and he left.... I started crying .. he asked what was wrong and I said "nothing im going to miss you thats all" He smiled and walked out the door.... That night I arranged for James to come over and take me away. I packed my things, put my pets in their cages and waited. I started thinking "what if he comes back, what if he comes home early" I started to have second thoughts, frantically I began to unpack again thinking this was a bad idea, I had to put things right like nothing happened. I was just unpacking my clothes when I heard a loud knock at the door.
It was James.... and to my dismay my mother. I acted like I wasnt leaving, that it was just a routine rental inspection and I needed to take my pets with me. But she knew. And I hated that she knew. I was so embarassed...
We went to my mother's... and she kept asking questions. She hated my bf but after all she had done to me by kicking me out of home when I was 16; I coudn't stand to be there, but I knew it was better than the abuse.
On Sunday my father came up for visitation with me and my younger brother. My mother was in the kitchen and cheerfully said ''Oh by the way that EX bf of yours was here this morning but I told him that you don't want him anymore and have left him"
I just looked at her shocked thinking.. how could she tell him that.. I wanted to tell him NOT YOU NOT YOU!!
I had to remain calm, to pretend I was happy for my dad, I couldn't let him see me cry. I couldnt freak out, I couldnt. I met my dad outside and I heard my bf's car screaching around the neighbourhood. There was smoke in my street and when it cleared his car was parked in front of me , my dad looking on with a confused expression.
My bf got out, pushed me up against the bonnet of the car and screamed at me ''HOW COULD YOU DO THIS U F**KIN SL*T HOW DARE YOU LEAVE ME!!"
My dad didnt do anything... I was abandoned again, I was alone. I screamed at him ''I had no choice!! I couldnt live with it anymore! Just go im sorry im sorry please understand im sorry im sorry...'''
He released me, spat on the ground in front of me and screached off, exhaust fumes and smoke blinding me. I went numb, this was my fault, my fault.
James came then, he found me staring at the wall in the garage at the back of te house. My mother came and she told me I should be grateful that she told him. That its better this way. I couldnt believe it, did my family hate me? Did my dad hate me so much as to let my bf do this to me. Am I so bad???
*Triggers* My mother walked away and I started to feel such pain inside, like I was going to crumble, to break, to crack. I grabbed my razors in my bag and infront of James calmly sliced open my wrist. I stood there, staring at my mum walking away.
My dad was waiting, James looked shocked he looked at me and said ''Ive never seen anyone do that, we should get you to a hospital you cut yourself pretty bad here give me the razors" He took them from me and I covered the blood with the sleeves of my jacket. *End Triggers*
I told my dad I couldnt go with him, I was feeling ill. We left him and my brother at the train station and we went to Jame's house.
That night my bf messaged me on my mobile, said he had to see me, he was sorry, he loved me. I knew I shouldnt go but I left James house and went to meet him, james came along, he said he wanted to be there incase something happened. I met my bf, he started crying, begging me to come back, I broke down telling him I was sorry, I loved him I never meant to leave him.
James was waiting for me I had to tell him I made my choice, I walked over to him and said Im going back to my bf. He looked at me, and said ''you make your own decisions are you sure??" I said yes. That night I went back to my bf's house and then all hell broke lose....
In the morning I heard a loud knock at the door, limping (I had been punched in my legs and my sides) I went to see who it was. It was my mum. She said could she talk. I slipped outside and she said she tried to *triggers* kill herself last night cause I went back to my bf. *end triggers* I didnt know what to say... then my bf woke up and went to the door. As soon as my mum caught sight of him she attacked him, trying to punch him in the face. I screamed at her to stop she wouldn't.
I crept behind my bf and called the police. She left and he slammed the door shut. He was a nervous wreck screaming at me that its all my fault, how could I do this to him, to us. He went into his room and took some drugs to calm down. Then I heard a loud knock. The police came.
But not because I called them, because my mother had called them earlier and they asked if they could talk. Adam(my bf) said no but the officer looked at him and said '' I asked the lady''. I went outside and they asked me if I have ever been hit. Adam looked me right in the eyes and clenched his fist. I looked at the officer and said ''No never''.
The officer looked at my bruises and said ''how did you get those?are you sure??'' I said '' Im clumsy I get alot of bruises not sure where they come from but no ive never been hit...''
The office looked at adam and then walked down the stairs. The officers partner gave me her card, later adam burnt the card... and that night I began to think what have I done...
I called james and told him I was sorry, that maybe he could come over to see me. The next morning he did, but he wasnt alone. He had some of my school friends with him. My bf answered the door and said 'some more people here for you..'' I told them to leave, I didnt expect them to come and get me.
Adam waited while they asked to come with them, to leave. Finally I looked adam in the eyes, didn't grab any of my stuff and said ''yes I want to leave'' I didnt look back I walked right out that door and have never been back since. Adam was screaming behind me to get back inside, but I kept walking knowing what I was doing was right. It still didnt stop me from *triggers* cutting *end triggers* for a long time.
But that's how I left my bf, Alot of things have happened since then *triggers* Last year I was admitted to a mental hospital for trying to commit suicide *end triggers* and was diagnosed with Bi Polar disorder. I made alot of friends in the hospital some who I keep in touch with today and who understand. Ive left James I found out he wasn't a councelor at all, he lied to me and actually has scitzophrenia.... but thats another story.
I'm now living on my own, I work full time as an Insurance Underwriter and am saving up to buy my first car and my first home. I met my wonderful boyfriend and partner Steve who treats me amazingly well and his family love me. Ive never been happier, I still have to deal with my bipolar disorder and sometimes when im on a low it does affect me alot, but steve and all my new friends support me.
I think that no matter who you are, no matter how dark a situation can seem there is a way out. I know many women who are still in the situation I was in with adam, but its up to you to try to find the strength to leave and I know it can be so hard.
Just have faith in yourself, never give up on happiness because it will be okay, it will come again. And even though there will be dark times in our lives I now have the belief that it will get better eventually we just have to believe it can, anything is possible and dreams can come true.
Love you all and Thank you,
Edited by cavy_gurl, 08 March 2009 - 04:03 AM.