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#1 Armygirl

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Posted 20 March 2011 - 11:45 PM

Well, I've reached that point again where things are too hard to handle, my depression and anxiety have got a good grip on me again, to the point where alot of days I'm suicidal, alot of days I just struggle to get myself out of bed, on days I do manage to get up, its a struggle to do anything productive, my work worries finally got the best of me. Last week I was a no-call-no-show for two days..

Work reamed my ass out, which I deserved, they were worried to the point of calling the local hospitals to see if anything had happened to me..I had dropped subtle hints the last few months that my present client's family situation was really taking a toll on me....surprisingly the didn't fire me even though they could have, but instead offered me some money to help out with finances, which I didn't take...and tomorrow I have an interview with a prospective client's mother, a client that they are saying "will be good for you, someone low profile and less stressful"...part of me is excited, part of me is thinking, what's the catch...too damn good of a nurse to lose you is what they are telling me....

I had a breakdown last week, I went to Dad's house and tried to recover, I felt in a way a strange relief when I made the decision for work that it was not worth the toll on my health, but then a new anxiety of sorts took over, about what to do now...

my rational mind tells me, its not rational, but the beast has me good, and then while at dad's I slept like I haven't in months, I actually woke up from a dream laughing...

I sorted through my thoughts, cried alot, which is very uncharacterisic of me, and had a coming out to my dad last week, and to my brother today about certain things I'm feeling....

I made an appointment with the VA for the 28th, and I'm determined this time it's balls to the wall, I'm going to let everything hang out, I'm tired of dealing with this...

Tonight I called dad, seems like my brother is having issues too, which he made a joke about maybe me being like my mother, he made me angry, and at the end of the visit he said well if it make you feel better I'm taking sleeping pills now, because of stress...he's in his own denial...talked to dad, and he finally said well it's in your genes...that was so huge for me, makes me not feel so bad, because family denial is a big issue...he even said I'm surprised I haven't been to the doctor myself...followed up with there's no judgement, but get help....

It was a big relief that maybe now my family is finally understanding and not judging that I have a problem, although I don't think it would be as understanding except that I told dad that my brother was having issues too...so we'll see what happens...there's still alot I won't tell them even though I have hinted to dad that I was at the point where if I laid my head down and didn't wake up that would be fine too....

so week after next a trip to the doctor, for some meds, and am going to push for a therapist so maybe I can learn to cope with my anxiety and issues....and I am relieved about it finally, maybe I can finally stick my nose to the grind and find a way make sense of it all, and move on with my life

ang

#2 Sunshineinmyface

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Posted 21 March 2011 - 05:15 AM

(((((Ang))))

I just cannot send enough hugs for you dear to let you know we all care about you and to try and reach out here as much as you can.

I am so glad you are going to the VA and let it all hang out. That is fantastic! Takes guts and I know you have plenty of those, but the beast is telling you lies, as Uncle Ed would say.

I am glad you got some relief by telling your family some things and are going to push your therapist to help you more.

I do hope this new client works out well for you, it is high time you catch a break.

Please do let us know how things are going when you can. I am worried about you and want you to know you can count on me in your corner.

Mucho hugs,
Sunshine

#3 Hangingon

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Posted 21 March 2011 - 11:57 AM

(((Ang)))

You are right that work is not worth the toll on your health! I've recently made that decision too and am off on sick leave until I can find something else or get back into where I was previously. No job is worth it!!!

Very happy to hear that your family is coming around and understanding some of this. Please do push for that therapist after you get the meds!!! It's true that it doesn't have to be this way and it can and WILL get better.

We're here for you through this and I know you can do it!!!!

Love

Sheila

#4 Armygirl

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Posted 22 March 2011 - 02:23 AM

((((((((Sunshine, Sheila)))))))),

Thanks for the well wishes and encouragement...I will keep you updated after my appointment next week....

My appointment fell through today with the potential new client...hoping we can make that happen tomorrow...I need to get back to work soon, each passing day cuts a little deeper into the savings account to pay bills next month....and adds to the already intolerable stress level...

ang

#5 Tantalus

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Posted 22 March 2011 - 03:30 AM

Geez, I really wanted to reply in some meaningful way, but I can't get the words out right now. Just know you are in my thoughts and I look forward to hearing an update on how things go, especially with the VA.

Always here for ya, you know how to find me.

#6 RWigram

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Posted 22 March 2011 - 12:54 PM

No idea what to say Ang but all the best to you.

DB

#7 Armygirl

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Posted 22 March 2011 - 10:56 PM

((((((Tant, DB))))),

Sometimes thoughts and well wishes are better than words...I hope things get better for you all as well, I hope the beginning of spring brings new and better things for us all..

Still didn't get that interview today...I'm starting to wonder if I should kick plan "B" in effect, bank account has just enough left to pay the rent on the 1st and a few bills, after that it's up in the air...I think I'm going to give work one more day, and then if no interview tomorrow then I'm going to go down to the local school district and apply as a substitute nurse/and teacher...won't be much money, but some money coming in until school ends in May which is better than the alternative the last week and a half...

see what tomorrow brings I guess....

ang