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#1 KindredSpirit

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Posted 24 August 2005 - 12:54 PM

Just wanted to get this out someplace...I have been spending a lot of time with my Mom this past week (the canning thing) and I had some "stuff" I need to talk about.

For the most part I really enjoyed the time with my Mom, she didn't even annoy me like she can do at times. See, usually, she will come over to my house and tell me I need to do this and that, need to snip my roses "here", need to cut my tomato plants down, blah blah blah. She was pretty good and we even laughed a few times. At one point I even looked at her and thought "this is not the person that raised me", people change with age, even sometimes parents change. Or so I thought.

Before I go into this next part I need to fill you in a bit. When I was a teenager I once got so mad at my dad (he was an alcoholic and was physically abusive to my brother and verbally abusive to me) I slammed my bedroom door and tore the door jam all up. Well my Dad never forgot that, he always brings up the time when "Debbie broke the door jam", "Debbie was scared of the dark", etc etc.

Well, at one point while my mom and I were canning, my Dad got mad at something and hit the wall with his fist as he walked by it. I was stunned. I figured that crap stopped when his drinking stopped years ago. For a brief moment, I felt like that scared little girl again. I asked my mom if I should stop what we were doing and help Dad out since he's getting frustrated (there's me again, trying to keep things together, trying to smooth it all over). My mom replied "oh, just ignore him, he does that all of the time". I then said "I didn't realize he still did that stuff"..."you know, he always brings up the fact that >I< broke the door jam 25 years ago, at least >I< stopped that stuff when I became an adult. No wonder I did that as a kid, look where I got it from".

My mom heard me and we kept on working, nothing else was said about it. But I SAID it and she heard it. I am proud of myself for saying it. I only wish I could say it to HIM. I might do that still, dunno.

Anyway, if you are still reading this I thank you. I'm might post more about my Dad later...

Deb

#2 cerulean flame

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Posted 24 August 2005 - 01:13 PM

((((((Deb))))))))

#3 Katee

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Posted 24 August 2005 - 01:14 PM

(((((((((((((Deb))))))))))))))))


There is actually a term for that, and I"m trying to remember what it is. And I'm not referring to a one-time slamming of a door.

I think it's implied abuse when the person hits (or whatever) something inanimate instead of you. In my first marriage, my husb put his fist through the bedroom door one day when he was angry, and the sight of that hole left chills with me for years.

I am proud of you for standing up for yourself to your mom, and for allowing yourself to be strong.

I dunno about saying it to your dad. I'm pretty much a wimp, I'd have a hard time feeling safe.

All this when you're trying to cope with things at home---I'm proud of you, girl!

love ya,

Kay

#4 Kaktus

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Posted 24 August 2005 - 01:58 PM

MMM hmm...implied abuse...EXTREMELY EFFECTIVE tool for controlling people. I've been around it my entire life.

(((((((((((Deb))))))))))))
Way to go! That's great that you managed to say that to your mom and SHE HEARD YOU!

I hope that some day you will post more about your dad. I'll bet it would be kind of a relief to get some of that out.

I need to post some things about MY dad as well, but for some reason I haven't been able to really do it. And I gotta tell ya, just reading about this has suddenly started my head up...it's got me to realizing my dad was quite abusive to me as a kid and I have been supressing that and just saying to myself "oh, he didn't mean it" or "Well, he had problems of his own and couldn't help himself". And then, he's been so helpful to me, that I feel guilty even allowing myself to think of all the things he did to me, and mostly my older brother.

Hmmmmmmmm

#5 angeleyes

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Posted 24 August 2005 - 04:13 PM

((((((((Deb))))))))

#6 KindredSpirit

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Posted 24 August 2005 - 05:57 PM

((((Kay, Jen, Angel, OF))))) thank you for listening.

OF: I'm sorry that this post dredged up some stuff regarding your own Dad. I DO understand the part about bringing it up. I look at how far my dad has come, how good he is to my daughter, etc. Sometimes I just don't want to rock the boat you know? In a way, it was kind of chicken shit of me to say it to my Mom only. I guess I said it because she always goes along with him when he brings the dreaded "Debbie broke the door jam" thing. I don't know if I will ever talk to him, he's getting up there in age. Who knows.

If you want to talk about the stuff with your dad further please post or pm. Here to listen.

Love,

Deb

#7 Kaktus

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Posted 24 August 2005 - 09:59 PM

No! Dont' be sorry! It's great!

I keep pushing it away, and I don't think I'm ever going to get anywhere if I keep doing that. It's truly a help for me.

I need to LOOK back and SEE all the rotten things dad did. Yeah, he's great now, yeah, he's a good Grandpa...but what WAS he then? How much of his behavior is responsible for what I am NOW? And if I don't LOOK at what he's done, how can I forgive him for it?

You just got me to take my hands off my eyes and LOOK.

Very helpful.

Thank you.

And as for just saying to your mom...heck..it's a START! Gotta start somewhere!

#8 Hangingon

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Posted 25 August 2005 - 12:35 AM

((((Deb))))

WTG for even saying it to your mom. That alone does take courage so don't sell yourself short on it please.

Tis a form of Psychological abuse....... Intimidation. Control issues.....

PLEASE do post more about your dad as needed. You too Old Friend. We are here to listen and advise as we can.

You both know how to find me if you want to talk.

Love you

Sheila

:?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?:

#9 angie74

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Posted 25 August 2005 - 11:22 PM

(((((Deb)))))

#10 cookiemonster2809

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Posted 04 October 2009 - 03:17 PM

MMM hmm...implied abuse...EXTREMELY EFFECTIVE tool for controlling people. I've been around it my entire life.

(((((((((((Deb))))))))))))
Way to go! That's great that you managed to say that to your mom and SHE HEARD YOU!

I hope that some day you will post more about your dad. I'll bet it would be kind of a relief to get some of that out.

I need to post some things about MY dad as well, but for some reason I haven't been able to really do it. And I gotta tell ya, just reading about this has suddenly started my head up...it's got me to realizing my dad was quite abusive to me as a kid and I have been supressing that and just saying to myself "oh, he didn't mean it" or "Well, he had problems of his own and couldn't help himself". And then, he's been so helpful to me, that I feel guilty even allowing myself to think of all the things he did to me, and mostly my older brother.

Hmmmmmmmm

yep I make excuses for my dad being a jerk all the time.

#11 WlkThruMyMind

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Posted 05 October 2009 - 04:04 AM

I had the same exact dad, still do. He used to drink, and he stopped. Thought he would change and mellow out. Hmmm, that was until I was staying there and hear him cuss out a coffee maker at 5am and slam things around with me, my wife, and son sleeping in the living room. My wife was like shocked. She knew how he was in the past, but never seen it first hand. I told her, thats how I grew up, but was worse when he drank, but it still sucks now.

I used to say that I would only go to my fathers funeral to say thanks for the sperm. I really meant that, my whole life. But... I had a realization.

I asked my mother, why does he drink. She told that he said because it takes away the pain. DING! I think I know something about that, shit, I know ALL ABOUT THAT. Although I do not like my fathers actions, my growing up with him, or my past, I do understand now and can relate.

I really look at him diffrent now. They say the apple dont fall far from the tree, and its so true. I dont want to be like him, but I am to some extent. But, I also understand why he was the way he was. He had the beast to, and the beast can take over any of us. We dont have the best relationship still, but I do respect him now. I will go when he passes, and be sad I lost my father. Something I never thought I would feel. Keep your head up!

#12 Dedalus77

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Posted 05 October 2009 - 06:09 PM

Implied abuse, that is it exactly! Coupled with real abuse = terrifying childhood. I know I'm new here, but thanks to this conversation I have some new material for therapy this week :)