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how am I going to cope with this?


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#1 delicateshadow

delicateshadow
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  • Gender:Female
  • Location:London
  • Interests:reading, writing poetry, art, recovery

Posted 10 April 2006 - 06:07 PM

and I need support....

It feels so lonely there...I couldn't wait until 5pm for my hour shelving in the main library....to be around people who I could talk to...

I was shown around first, and then given a task to do...I tried to demonstate my skills and inititive by getting on with it on my own...didn't want to disturb the others...2 men and a woman and men I struggle around anyway because of my dad....can't ask men anything...

turns out I got things wrong...although I hadn't been told exactly what to do in the first place...sat there on my own afterwards, on the floor...crying....needed to cry..let the pain out..(I'd already--by accident, but yeah..--cut myself on the scissors opening the first box of books)felt so little and lost and lonely...a failure at everything...where could I go now..this place is supposed to help me feel better...be less stressful...and I'm crap at that too....

The woman happened to come by, saw me crying and was patient and understanding...showed me exactly how to do things....and I could get on with it safely...

Then later the man in charge talked me through the next task..and wrote it down for me...maybe by then he'd figured what I needed...I hope so....I hate being around people I've never met before and showing my vulnerability and lack of competence...because I am skilled and efficient, I am.....

and this man is large with a tattoo on his arm and a scar on his face....around his mouth...so he has a wound too...except my wounds are invisible....and little katies are scared of him....they're really scared....

how am I going to cope with this? I can't even run to use the internet in moments of crisis. (I did text a friend at breaktime..that helped a bit....) but I'm going to have to find an internet cafe for lunchbreaks or I'm going to crack up before I've really started...and I have noone to talk to this week....therapy break for 2 weeks, and my dr's off on Friday too cos of bank hol....