Jump to content


Photo

Self hate


  • Please log in to reply
12 replies to this topic

#1 MercuryB

MercuryB
  • Members
  • 2,999 posts
  • Flag:
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:Scandinavia
  • Interests:way to many, but I'm trying to balance them somehow

Posted 12 March 2007 - 05:00 AM

This if very triggery.

.
.
.
.
.

Well, it is the abuse folder after, isn't is.

Of course, it was a good weekend in the end, and of course I got to pay the price as soon as I got home, almost.


Another sleepsless night. And I need to express it somehow.

I'm a useless, getting way too old btw, whore, living on a relatively well paid man from a decent honest family. And I don't even pay with having sex with him in a proper way ... It doesn't matter, rape or not, child or not, it was over twenty years ago anyway ... I should get over it and praise the woman that dragged the rapist home to her. Besides, it never happened, I was a virgin until my twenties. Of course I was ... I'm out of touch with reality.

I've been missing somebody, I don't remember who, so badly for nearly a year. And it doesn't really matter either, "mommy's" was/is/will be always right and in her right.

... all I do is cost people money. I'm useless.

I'm really hate myself very deeply right now.

Edited by MercuryB, 12 March 2007 - 05:01 AM.


#2 Kaktus

Kaktus
  • Members
  • 4,793 posts
  • Flag:
  • Gender:Female

Posted 12 March 2007 - 07:23 AM

(((((((((((((((Basia))))))))))))))
Sending you hugs.
I am very sorry you are hurting now. I am sad that you don't like yourself. You certainly didn't wish your mother's bad behavior on yourself.
I hope you find some peace.

#3 Ed the chow hound

Ed the chow hound
  • Members
  • 6,338 posts
  • Flag:
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:BRISBANE AUSTRALIA
  • Interests:depression support, food, friends, dogs, astrology, physics, cosmology, history,

Posted 12 March 2007 - 09:31 AM

((((((((((Basia)))))))))))))


May I offer you support and comfort as a BTB family member. Self hate is a very painful thing to cope with and I wish I knew away to take away your pain. I guess at the core we blame ourselves for something that happened to us or something we did or that some one else did or did not do.


Self compassion is one way to overcome self hate. Try to be fair in the way you judge yourself, take into account all the circumstances relating to events and the context in which the events happened. Consider if the circumstances were extreme rather than usual, how free were you to act or not act?

Many of us have done bad things but few of us are evil, learn to forgive others and this starts with forgiving yourself.

love ya always

uncle Ed the forgiving hound :kiss: :kiss: :kiss:

#4 rosie8

rosie8
  • Members
  • 1,503 posts
  • Flag:
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:Midlands, UK
  • Interests:Outdoors, walking my dog, cinema, music, gardening and socialising

Posted 13 March 2007 - 09:58 AM

(((Basia))))

Love Rosie

#5 muddy_sneakers

muddy_sneakers
  • Members
  • 53 posts
  • Location:North Carolina
  • Interests:Horses, birds, photography, history, anything and everything that catches and holds my attention for more than 5 minutes.

Posted 05 May 2007 - 10:47 PM

((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) to you...

I hope you're feeling a wee bit better now.

#6 MercuryB

MercuryB
  • Members
  • 2,999 posts
  • Flag:
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:Scandinavia
  • Interests:way to many, but I'm trying to balance them somehow

Posted 06 May 2007 - 11:51 PM

((((((((((((((((((((all))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you all for your replies to this post, it meant a lot to me and I was really hitting a real low when I wrote this. And yes, over all I'm feeling quite a bit better now. Thank you again:


Well, the below i'ts probably triggery and a bit sketchy. And I'm very sorry if my style if writing is upsetting, I simply cannot write about certain things relating to myself without turning the 'irony defence' on.

The thruth is that I'm not in any way sure about the man that got into my room some night was the creepy militia man I really didn't like. All I remember is that my "mommy dearest" was invinting him to her apartment in which I also lived in. I only remember that of all men that was around then he was the one that freaked me out. So I'm not sure about who it was, and I'm not sure if I ever will be. I really don't like the thought that I could very unfairly be putting blame on somebody innocent (or at least innocent to that). It was, after all, rather dark and I wasn't exacly trying to look (or even being there).

What happened in church later, I remember all too well though. All makes sense in a logic, grown up kind of way, but at the same time, sitting here ... all the years in between, I still sort of believe that my bf is the first one I had any kind of sex with ... and the two realities are still clashing with each other in my brain, and I'm not very comfortable with it.

And "mommy dearest" doesn't remember a thing, I'm sure after all those talks I had with her. She blocked it all out ... too traumatic for an nearly 40 year old woman ... but the child is suppossed to remember it after over twenty years. I really don't understand why.

Funny, I probably realised from where my 'adopted aunt' got the idea that the neighbours boys were throwing stones and me. "Mommy dearest" told me that ONCE, ONE stone was throwed through the window to the room were we lived when I was very small and she thought that it COULD have hit me. We had a pretty loud and most likely very troubled family living upstairs, but my memories of them are only good. It's strange how much a story can change depending on who is hearing it.

Oh, and uncle Ed: your support is always very much welcomed.

You ask a very good question, and, unfortunally, I'm afraid that when I was old as in my teens ... I could very much have done things differently ... unfortunally. I really think that I need to evaluate on it some day.

And if I only could figure out for what I was forgiving myself, it would probably feel much easier. Being a total failure in life I guess.

love you lots
Basia xo

#7 Ed the chow hound

Ed the chow hound
  • Members
  • 6,338 posts
  • Flag:
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:BRISBANE AUSTRALIA
  • Interests:depression support, food, friends, dogs, astrology, physics, cosmology, history,

Posted 07 May 2007 - 03:57 PM

Basia,

You have helped me a lot by being a member of my cyber family, no matter what happened in the past, LOVE YOURSELF first or you cant really love others.

At BTB we have a chance to be reborn through the love, acceptance and support of our family of choice.
The collective positivity of our group can heal the negativity of anyone of us if we open our souls to its healing power.

love ya

uncle Ed

:kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss: :kiss:

#8 Guest_SherryMaggio_*

Guest_SherryMaggio_*
  • Guests

Posted 08 December 2009 - 12:13 PM

Your article is really great and I truly enjoyed reading it.

#9 Ed the chow hound

Ed the chow hound
  • Members
  • 6,338 posts
  • Flag:
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:BRISBANE AUSTRALIA
  • Interests:depression support, food, friends, dogs, astrology, physics, cosmology, history,

Posted 29 December 2009 - 01:24 PM

Guys,

The first person we should give UNCONDITIONAL LOVE to is OURSELVES. This mean we love ourselves no matter what happens to us, we remain loveable no matter if we are sick or well, rich or poor, single or married, we are always loveable. When we love ourselves we find an inexhaustable supply of love to give to others as well.

hugs

uncle Ed the chow hound

Edited by Ed the chow hound, 29 December 2009 - 01:24 PM.


#10 mkrs

mkrs
  • Members
  • 70 posts
  • Flag:
  • Gender:Female
  • Interests:Art, Music, Film, Animation, Travel

Posted 22 February 2010 - 04:10 PM

I really agree with Ed.

Hugs Basia!

I hope you feel better soon :co:

Edited by mkrs, 22 February 2010 - 04:11 PM.


#11 natoking

natoking
  • Members
  • 408 posts
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:CONNECTICUT
  • Interests:Boating, biking, music, conversation, world affairs, politics, love and sex.<br /><br />I am a graphic artist.

Posted 25 February 2010 - 12:35 AM

I'm there with the hugs too. Mommy dearest remembers but denies it. She won't get well. You are getting it out and you are safe to do so here. I am proud of you for choosing to get it out because you are making a healthy choice. Once you get it out, cast it away like a stone into the ocean. Love, Bob

#12 winter

winter
  • Members
  • 1,216 posts
  • Flag:
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:Not bad but shame about the neighbours
  • Interests:i like people to send me money.
    I know this will never happen
    but i figured it was worth a try

Posted 22 March 2010 - 01:22 AM

hugs everyone, i know how to hate myself as well, it so frustrating and good for mercury for being brave enough to admit it to the freinds of beating the beast. even though we sometimes hate ourselves, we also give love to others on here. so we should love ourselfs for that xx

#13 Ed the chow hound

Ed the chow hound
  • Members
  • 6,338 posts
  • Flag:
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:BRISBANE AUSTRALIA
  • Interests:depression support, food, friends, dogs, astrology, physics, cosmology, history,

Posted 06 April 2010 - 12:38 PM

Hi all,

Self hate is UNJUSTIFIED even though the feeling can be very strong at times, it usually comes from our inability to live up to the unreal expectations
of others as a child or young person. If we dont do what we can reasonably do according to our own expections we could be disappointed but not hateful of ourselves.

hugs

Ed the chow hound

Edited by Ed the chow hound, 06 April 2010 - 12:39 PM.