Beating the Beast

 

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Depression, quite a word, one I hate. I have struggled with the beast off and on for as long as I remember. It fills me with self doubt and self hate. I can turn against anyone who cares about me in a second because I feel that their words and love are all lies, all I can see is hate. I don't see their love and everything gets taken in as a personal attack. All I want is the bad, the pain, I want reassurance that what I feel about me is the truth, if I can see it why can't they. They are blind.

Suicidal thoughts consume me, I want a way out, a way to be free. I run away, escape and hide, it finds me though. I cut to release the pain, it feels good but then it feels bad, shameful and fuels the self hate and doubt in my life. I want everyone to hate me, that would be best, then I wonder where they went, why they don't care. No matter what happens, what gets said or done there is no right answer. It is my struggle and mine alone.

The walls are huge that I build for others. I want them to believe that I am ok, that I am the person they love and see. I play the game and hide the inner torment but it doesn't last. The walls crash and fall and I burn every bridge in my path. I can't win for losing, I can't be what you want me to be, I have to be me but who is that?

I'll beat this thing yet. I see glimmers of me now and again, the person I admire and love. I'm there with my huge smile and bright eyes to light up the sky. I'll grab on to me and find my own path. I chose the hard route, my life is a struggle but I will get there in the end. Life is a choice and one I am determined to make.
 
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Revised: 04/02/05.

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