not sure when it started. I know at one time I used to be happy, I
donít remember when it was though. It's like I always had depression,
I just was scared to talk to anyone except my best friend because we
were going through the same thing. I was constantly upset. I was
feeling guilty for things I had nothing to do with.
sister had a stroke in 1999; that was probably the main reason. She
has since learned to walk again and talk again. She has two sons
now. She was in an emotionally abusive relationship that was starting
to turn physical. I felt like, Maybe it I was there for her more
then she would finally break up with him. There must be something I
did wrong for her to go to him and not come to us for help. I
realize now that that was not healthy, but that was the way I felt
about pretty much everything. My friend was crying, I must have
done something. Mom and Dad where arguing, I must have done
something. On and on it went.
probably would have gone on forever like that, my parents thought it
was some ďteenage thingĒ after all arenít all teenagers ďmoodyĒ? That
is what they thought about it. If not for the one day that my friend
and I were both really upset. We went to the nurseís office because
the school counselor wasnít in her room. We talked and talked about
how we felt. It got to the point were she asked if we were feeling
suicidal. I was going to lie, there is such a negative stigma about
everything that has to do with a mental illness, especially suicide.
But then my best friend said yes she was and that got me to tell me
marched us to the counselorís office and made us talk to the counselor
after the nurse found her. The counselor called our parents and I was
terrified. I didnít what to talk to them. Not after they had been
told I was feeling suicidal. They turned out to be really
understanding, though. They came to school and talked to me. That
night they scheduled my first meeting with a therapist and took me to
an emergency consultation at a therapistís office near the hospital to
make sure I wasnít a danger to myself.
diagnosed with situational depression. But lately things have been
changing. Things have gotten better but I havenít. I still have
problems. Iím still worried about my friend, her parents havenít done
anything. Iím hoping that I will be better by the time I graduate.
Iím only 15 right now. I donít know if it is a realistic dream yet or
not. There are times when I do feel really good but there are more
down days still.
still cry about things normal people wouldnít cry about. Then again,
Iíve been told there is no such thing as normal. It would be nice to
have a regular, run-of-the-mill, day for once. Maybe my day will come.